|
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | The French Towel Dance
In a routine reminiscent of The Greatest Show on Legs' Balloon Dance, an act called Les Beaux Frères recently delighted the crowd on a French TV show called 'Le Plus Grand Cabaret Du Monde'. As the host puts it: it's one act where you're actually hoping for them to make a mistake.
So, take it away, boys – though not literally!
Please click the link below for:
* * *
|
|
| |
|
Forum Administrator
Posts: 174
| LOL ... love it! |
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Thought you might. Just a bit naughty and very French,don't you think? With love - Aquarius
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘The most cruel lies are often told in silence.’ Robert L. Stevenson
‘The deeper the sorrow, the less tongue it hath.’ The Talmud
‘Sports do not build character; they reveal it.’ Heywood Broun
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A New Way Of Apple Peeling
To find out how it’s done, please follow the link below:
Apple Peeling The New Way
I wonder whether this method will catch on.
Somehow, I don’t think so.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘There are three types of people in our world – those who can count and those who can’t.’ Anon.
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Here’s another video to put a smile on your face, hopefully.
All In A Day’s Work
To see a few of the things that happen to some men when they are at work,
please follow the link below:
‘Men At Work’
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
|
|
| |
|
Forum Administrator
Posts: 174
| Ouch! Perhaps we should pray for more women to replace these "men at work!"
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How about the fellers getting their act together? Mind you, that would probably not be half as much fun to watch on a video, would it? With love - Aquarius 
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.’ Anon.
|
|
| |
|
Forum Administrator
Posts: 462
| Dear Aquarius
That last one is very good and a great reassurance when everything seems to be going in the opposite direction ...
Blessings
O |
|
| |
|
UMS Student
Location: Bellingham |
Reassurance, reassurance, I need insurance!
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.’ Anon.
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Chair
After having dealt for the whole of a semester with a broad array of topics, an eccentric philosophy professor decided to give his pupils one more task as a final exam, to establish how much of his lectures they had really understood. The class was still seated but ready to go, when the professor picked up his chair, put it on his desk and wrote on the board: ‘Using everything you have learned this semester, show me that this chair does not exist.’
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over thirty pages in one hour trying to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class, however, had finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the students received their grades, the rest of the group wondered how that person could have got an A barely having written anything. The professor revealed that the answer had been: ‘What chair?’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Ophiucus - 7/19/2014 10:45 AM Dear Aquarius That last one is very good and a great reassurance when everything seems to be going in the opposite direction ... Blessings O ‘Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.’ Albert Einstein Ah well, you see... With love - Aquarius
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Barbecue
Now that it is summer in the Northern hemisphere and we are in the midst of the barbecue season, here is a refresher course on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. It’s the only type of food preparation a ‘real’ man will do, probably because it involves an element of danger. When he volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Routine:
- The woman buys the food.
- She makes the salad and the dessert and prepares the vegetables.
- She prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with a beer in his hand.
The first really important part:
- The man places the meat on the grill.
More routine:
- The woman goes inside to organise plates and cutlery.
- She returns to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks her to bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
More routine:
- Having prepared the eating utensils, the woman attends to salads, bread, sauces and napkins and brings them to the table.
- After eating, she clears the table and washes the dishes.
And now comes most vital and glorious moment of all:
- Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his wonderful cooking.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off’. Noticing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Calling All Cat Lovers
Today, as a special surprise, I have for you
A delightful collection of funny moments with cats.
To enjoy them, please click on the words below:
‘Funny Moments With Cats’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Spelling Reform Of The English Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, the other language under discussion. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had a great deal of room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’.. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Modern Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: ‘Sweet Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.’
That night, while enjoying a repast of lightly sautéed frog’s legs, the princess chuckled to herself and thought: ‘I don’t bloomin’ well think so!’
From ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’
By Allison Pearson
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Dad’s Response
My dad is sixty-six and the other day I took him shopping for some new shoes. But before hurling ourselves into the fray, we decided to have something to eat first. He was sitting next to a teenager and I noticed how he was watching her. The youngster had spiked hair in different colours – green, red, orange, and blue and my dad kept staring at her. From time to time she looked back and each time she did, my dad was still staring at her. Finally, she’d had enough. Turning to him, she asked: ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food to make sure I would not choke on his response. I knew it would be a good one. Sure enough, he responded in his own inimitable style without batting an eyelid: ‘Yeah, I got stoned once and made love to a parrot. Just wondering whether you are my daughter.’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Notes Left In Milk Bottles
From the days when there was still door-to-door milk delivery
After reading these it’s not hard to see why this service had to die a natural death.
Dear Mister Milkman,
- I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
- Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
- Cancel one pint after the day after today.
- Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
- Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
- Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
- Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
- Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
- Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
- When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand with turning the mattress.
- Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
- My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
- Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
- Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
- Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
- From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
- My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
- Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, as I wrote this note yesterday.
- When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let the dog out and put the newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
- No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Olympic Games In London
It’s the year 2012 and the Olympic Games in London are in full swing. One fine day, three friends by the name of Smith, Brown and Jones are dying to get into the stadium, in spite of the fact that they have no money for tickets.
Refusing to be stuck for a solution, Smith picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm, walks to the gate and says: ‘Smith, United Kingdom, discus.’ The man at the checkpoint waves him in.
Brown picks up a clothes prop, slings it over his shoulder, marches to the gate and says: ‘Brown, United Kingdom, pole vaulting.’ He too walks in.
‘Ah,’ Jones thinks to himself. Looking around, he spots a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, tucks it under his arm, walks up to the gate and says: ‘Jones, United Kingdom, fencing.’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Trip To Rome
A woman was getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?’
‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’
‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. Where will you be staying in Rome?’
‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’
‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.’
‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.’
‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’
A month later, the woman came for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . ‘It was wonderful,’ she explained, ‘not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they moved us into first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome twenty-eight year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They’d just finished a five million dollar remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!’
‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.’
‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because on a tour through the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and told me the Pope would like to meet some of the visitors. If I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, he walked in and shook my hand! As I knelt down, he just spoke a few words to me.’
‘Oh, really! What did he say?’
‘After blessing me he said: ‘Who messed up your hair like this?’’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Understanding Engineers
1)
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said: ‘Where did you get such a great bike?’
The other one replied: ‘Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman came riding on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: ‘Take what you want.’
Nodding approvingly, the first student responded with: ‘Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.’
2)
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3)
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed: ‘What’s the matter with those chaps? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’
The doctor chimed in: ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept players!’
The priest remarked: ‘Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’ And turning to him, he said: ‘Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’
‘Oh, yes,’ the green-keeper replied. ‘That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play free of charge at any time.’
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said: ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’
The doctor said: ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’
And the engineer added to that: ‘Why don’t they play at night?’
4)
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Sad, but true!
5)
A graduate with a science degree asks: ‘Why does it work?’
A person with an engineering degree asks: ‘How does it work?’
Yet another one who has an accounting degree asks: ‘How much does it cost?’
And a graduate with an arts degree may want to know: ‘Do you want fries with that?’
6)
Three engineering students were discussing who might have designed the human body. The first one said: ‘It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.’
The second one replied: ‘No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.’
‘Ah,’ the third one suggested after a moment’s pause: ‘I think it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?’
7)
Ordinary folks think that if something isn’t broken one doesn’t fix it.
Engineers, however, believe that if something isn’t broken, it may not yet have enough features.
Eight)
One day an engineer was crossing a road, when a frog called out to him: ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.’
Bending over, the man picked up the frog and without saying a word put it in his pocket. The frog cried: ‘If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.’
The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked the frog. I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’
‘Look here,’ replied the man, ‘I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that’s really cool. I’m going to keep you.’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Getting On A Bit
Have you ever heard of AAADD
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
Everybody over 50 is at risk
And this is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I catch a glimpse of my car and decide it’s in need of washing.
Walking towards the garage, I notice the mail that I collected from the letterbox earlier on the table near the front door.
I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that it is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
When I take my cheque book off the table, I notice that only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go there and find a can of Coke I had been drinking earlier.
Searching for my new chequebook, I push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. Because it feels warm, I take it to the fridge in the kitchen.
Heading towards the kitchen with my Coke, I notice a vase of flowers in need of topping up with water on the worktop.
So, I put the Coke down and, to my delight, find my reading glasses which I’ve been searching for all morning. Thinking to myself: ‘I better put them back on my desk,’ but then decide to first give my flowers some water.
Leaving the glasses on the worktop, I am about to fill a container with water when I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I’ll be looking for it high and low and I shall never remember where I left it. So, I better put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
Whilst topping up the flower vase, but quite a bit of water splashes onto the floor. So, I put the remote control back on the table, get some kitchen towel and wipe up the spill.
After that, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place. At the end of the day I find that the car hasn’t been cleaned, the bills are still unpaid, a can of warm Coke is sitting on the kitchen worktop, the flowers still don’t have enough water and only one cheque is in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote control and the glasses and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did with the car keys.
Exhausted, I flop into a chair and I try to figure out why nothing got done today. This really baffles me because I know I have been very busy all day.
Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you – yet!
As my dear old dad used to say:
‘What’s blossoming in one is budding in another.’
Your time for the onset of AAADD may be closer than you think.
‘Growing older is mandatory,
growing up is optional and
laughing at ourselves is therapeutic.’
* * *
|
|
| |
Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
