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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | Frozen Windows
One cold winter’s morning a wife at home texts her husband in the office: ‘Windows frozen, won’t open.’
Husband replies: ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.’
Wife texts back five minutes later: ‘Computer now really screwed up.’
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Edited by Aquarius 1/31/2014 6:35 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Haircut
One day a florist went to his barber to have his hair cut. When it was done, the florist asked about his bill, and the barber replied: ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ Very pleased, the florist left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, he found a ‘Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him on the doorstep of his shop.
During that day, a policeman called for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber’s reply again was: ‘I cannot accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.’ Happily the policeman went on his way. The next morning the barber found a ‘Thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting to greet him.
Later that day, a politician came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber told him too: ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ Delightedly the politician left the shop. The next morning, when the barber arrived to open his shop, to this astonishment a dozen politicians were queuing for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of the countries of our world and the politicians who are running them. That’s why politicians and nappies need to be changed frequently – for the same reason.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.’ Anon.
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Might I tweak the joke please Aqua?
My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I know that I am
Edited by Paul Joseph 2/15/2014 3:07 PM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How's that for a touch of honesty for you? |
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Well we are not divorced ... |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Not yet or will you never be?
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Well who knows what the future brings
But I thought this thread was about jokes ...
And for myself, I certainly do not feel that I am God: nothing could be further my personal imagination about myself
Not least because, if God exists, I have the strongest of suspicions she actually is female ....
Well Alanis Morisette did a very good job of playing her in that film whose name I cannot remember ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgpT5rEKIU
Edited by Paul Joseph 2/19/2014 2:57 PM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Well, Paul, I did think you were joking when you said you were God. Having said that . . . to be serious for a moment, we are lyoung God's in the making, of that I am sure. And to me, God is masculine and feminine, God and Goddess all in one. The same duality that also exists in us - as above, so below. With love - Aquarius
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Thanks Aqua
Yes, I agree, agree for the most part except (sorry cannot let go of the Libra casuistry....) ... my take on it is that we are here as angels in the making, and we can be angels here, though it is harder to be God here, for a number of reasons, [questions on a postcard please!!] ...
... so my ontological existential refleection, though I could never tell my Business dissertation students this is, we are here to become angels, and in that process of becoming, we kindle the spark of God
..........and as God cannot only dwell in a spark, and a spark kindles the flame, so we can flare into the totality of the Divine ...
So, the impossible we can do today, miracles take a little longer
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Spot Of Entertainment
A man walks into a bar, leading a dog and a lizard. The two animals perform a great musical act, the dog playing the piano and the lizard singing. When they finish, the proprietor takes the man aside and raves about the performance, saying that there’s a great deal of money to be made from this kind of thing. The man replies that this is not so because the act is a complete fraud. The proprietor asks why and the man replies: ‘The lizard can’t sing a note. It’s just that the dog is a ventriloquist.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,
takes your money and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free,
you either married it or gave birth to it.
I came . . . I saw , , , I gave up!
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Edited by Aquarius 3/8/2014 6:20 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Grandpa’s New I-Pad
An example of what happens when the young ones make gifts
of technology to the older generation. Here a daughter is visiting her father.
She asks: ‘Tell me dad, how are you getting on with the new i-Pad
we gave you for your birthday?’
It’s in German, but no subtitles are needed:
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/
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Edited by Aquarius 3/9/2014 3:24 PM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Exam Papers
General Educational Development (GED) tests are a group of five subject tests which, when passed, certify that the test taker has American or Canadian high school-level academic skills. The following questions were set in last year’s examination. The following are some of the answers that were actually given by pupils from the age of sixteen years:
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised, for example The abdomen?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q... Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature of it?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Sat Nav
In The Style Of Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
‘It’s sixty miles an hour’, it says, ‘You’re doing sixty five’.
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish at times that I could turn the darned thing off.
Author Unknown
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Edited by Aquarius 3/31/2014 6:13 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How about a genuine Pam Ayres poem now?
I suspect that someone wrote ‘The Sat Nav’ in response
to Pam’s ode to her husband that came into being many years ago:
They Should Have Asked My Husband
This world is complicated, imperfect, and oppressed,
And it’s not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed.
It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow;
People want solutions, but they don’t know where to go.
Opinions abound, but who is wrong and who is right?
People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light;
Someone they can turn to, as the crises rage and swirl;
Someone with the remedy, the wisdom and the pearl.
Well, they should have asked my husband!
He’d have told them, then and there,
His thoughts on emigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair,
The future of the monarchy, house prices in the South,
The wait for hip replacements, BSE, and foot and mouth.
Yes, they should have asked my husband!
He can sort out any mess;
He can rejuvenate the railways, and cure the NHS.
So, any little niggle, anything you want to know,
Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go!
Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs,
The damage to the ozone layer, refugees, and drugs?
These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke,
But present it to my husband; he’ll solve it, at a stroke!
He’ll clarify the situation, he will make it crystal clear.
You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs
And the bending of your ear.
Corruption at the top? He’s an authority on that,
And the Maffia, Gadhaffia, and Yassa Arafat.
Upon these areas, he brings his intellect to shine,
In a great, compelling voice
That’s twice as loud as yours or mine.
I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong,
Infallible, articulate, self-confident, and wrong.
When it comes to tolerance, he hasn’t got a lot:
Joy-riders should be guillotined,
And muggers ought to be shot!
The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears,
And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears.
My friends don’t call so often;
They have busy lives, I know,
And it’s not every day one wants to hear
A windbag suck and blow.
Encyclopaedias? On them, we never have to call.
Why clutter up the bookshelf, when my husband knows it all?
Pam Ayres
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | |
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | This whole thread, "Dont take it all too seriously" has had me bothered for a long time ...
I think we need to take this whole question of the Purpose of Being and the Meaning of Life very seriously: every moment of every day of every micro-second
Not to say there is not humour, and joy, in a nano second of Being, but overall, we, none of us, grasp and live with the total seriousness of
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Sorry, dearest Paul, if I ever created the impression that I do not do exactly that. But in my view we also need something to have a good laugh or at least a chuckle about from time to time. With love - Aquarius
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Yeah you are probably right Aqua; it's just those Nike spammers I worry about who read it and think this is a place to undermine ... sorry to be so sensitive ... |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Paul - the following is a message that must have been written with you in mind:
White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth’s atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a sense of humour and nothing gives us greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest for life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world does so for good and wise reasons and therefore is right.’ With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 4/20/2014 1:01 PM
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Thanks for thinking of me Aquarius, and for the guidance too |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | My pleasure, dear Paul.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Geriatric Traffic Jam
In this video you can watch some younger drivers getting frustrated when they encounter a Geriatric Traffic Jam. The old folks are trying to cross the road in an orderly fashion to get to a corner store only to discover that it’s closed.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Proof-Reading – A Dying Art
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Found in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune the other day. San Gabriel is one of the principal valleys of Southern California/ When someone called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote the above headline, it took the editor two or three readings before he realised that what he was reading was impossible. A correction was published the next day that read as follows:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
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Here is a collection of headline gems that appeared in various other papers:
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
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Panda Mating Fails
Veterinarian Takes Over
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
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War Dims Hope for Peace
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain
Police Suspect Homicide
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
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Children Make Nutritious Snacks
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
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Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
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The winner is:
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery. Hundreds Dead
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
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Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
