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PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
   
Location: NE Ohio | HA HA.... Aquarius You are hilarious.... how cute is that.... LOL |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Glad you are enjoying it so much! How about this one? Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
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Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
* * * Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
* * *
Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Paul Joseph - 9/9/2015 7:48 PM . . . the Germans refer to her in their dictionary, according to DC today, as 'the Queen' [there is only one ....] Great speeches in today's Parliament by both DC and HH. . . When one considers the German background of our royal family, it is hardly surprising that the Queen has a special place in the heart of the German people and that to them she is just ‘The Queen’. Here is a link that tells you more about it:
‘The German Background Of The Royal Family’
Although on the whole I have no time for royalty and monarchies, I love Queen Elizabeth II. She truly is a wonderful lady. Unlike you, dear Paul, and millions of other Brits, I have sworn an oath of allegiance to her. The occasion for this arose when, after having lived in the United Kingdom for almost twenty-five years, I finally decided to apply for British nationality. The main reason for this was that in spite of being a British citizen with all its rights and duties, paying my taxes just the same as everybody else, I was not allowed to cast my vote at the ballot box.
People have given their lives so that we ordinary people should have the vote and I feel it is my citizen’s duty to cast mine, wherever I am living.
With love – Aquarius * * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Tale Of The Wily Painter
A painter who was interested in making an extra penny here and there, often thinned down his paint to make it go further. He got away with this for quite some time, until his local church decided to do a restoration job on one of its biggest buildings.
Our painter put in a bid and because his price was lower than that of all other tenders, he got the job. After he had made all the necessary preparations like erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, he went to buy the paint. And yes, you guessed it, he thinned it down with turpentine.
One day, when the job was almost completed, our man was up on the scaffolding, when a mighty clap of thunder shook seemed to shake Heaven and Earth. The skies opened, the rain came pouring down and washed the paint from all over the church and the poor fellow was knocked off his scaffolding. He landed on the lawn among the gravestones of the surrounding cemetery and to his horror saw telltale puddles of his inferior paint all around him.
Well, our man was no fool. Being of a religious inclination, he realised that the event just had to be a message from the Almighty. So he got down on his knees and cried: ‘O God, O dear God, forgive me. What should I do?’
Through the next roll of thunder a mighty voice spoke to him: ‘Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Today I have something for you that isn’t funny.
But I hope that you will find it enjoyable:
The Magic Flower Garden
Click on the link below for your
‘Entry Into The Magic Flower Garden’
At first you get a black page.
Click your mouse anywhere on it,
then click and drag the cursor all over it,
so the magic can unfold.
Enjoy!
And have a wonderful day
that is filled with flowers and love.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Once more I have something for you that is not funny.
But it is amazing and I hope that you will find it as interesting as I do and enjoy it as much.
Separating Egg White And Yolk
If you have difficulties doing this the old fashioned way,
you might like to try the ingenious method demonstrated in the video whose link is below:
‘Separating Egg White And Yolk’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Medical Dictionary With A Difference Medical Terms & Definitions
Artery
The study of paintings
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
Searching for Kitty
Cauterise
Made eye contact with her
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
A small lie
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
A higher offer
Nitrates
Rates of pay for working at night,
normally more money than days
Node
I knew it
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Nearly killed him
Secretion
Hiding something
Seizure
Roman Emperor
Tablet
A small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
One plus one more
Urine
Opposite of you're out
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | 1981 and 2005 - Two Interesting Years
1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
The next time Charles gets married shouldn’t someone warn the Pope?
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Edited by Aquarius 10/3/2015 7:44 AM
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Ha ha - very good ... let's hope he doesn't ...  |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Are you lonely?
Work on your own?
Hate having to make decisions?
Then hold a meeting.
You can get to see other people,
Sleep in peace,
Load decisions onto others,
Feel important and impress your colleagues –
Just think – all of that in work time!
MEETINGS!
The practical and creative alternative to work.
Anon.
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | So true ..... I have often thought that meetings are great ways of avoiding meeting people or doing any work
Edited by Paul Joseph 10/7/2015 7:28 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Teenagers!
Tired of being harassed by parents,
Who don’t know anything?
Act Now!
Move out! Get a job!
Pay your own bills,
While you still know everything!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Talking Dog For Sale
A man sees a sign in front of a house ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. ‘Can I see it?’
‘Yes, of course you can!’ The owner takes the man to the dog.
‘Is it true that you can talk?’ the man asks the creature.
‘Yep,’ it replies.
‘That’s incredible! What’s your story?’
The dog looks up and says: ‘Well, I discovered this gift when I was young and wanted to help the government. I told the CIA what I could do and in no time they had me moving from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, as no-one thought a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some astonishing things there and was awarded a lot of medals. I’m retired now.’
Amazed, the man turns to the owner and asks how much he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ comes the reply.
Stunned by the low price, the man says: ‘But the dog is brilliant. Why are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar. He never did any of that!’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A young man had just received his driving licence, so he went to his father, an evangelist, to see whether he would be allowed to use his father’s car. The father responded with: ‘I’ll make a deal with you. If you increase your grades from a C to a B average, study the Bible a bit more and get your hair cut. we’ll talk about the car.’
Thinking about this for a moment, the boy decided to settle for the offer. Father and son agreed on it. After about six weeks they met in the father’s study. He greeted the youngster with: ‘Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, as well as participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m really disappointed because you haven’t got your hair cut.’
The young man responded with: ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. But I noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’
The father replied: ‘Did you also notice that they all walked wherever they went?’
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Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | If you click the link, you will be able to see what engineers get up to when they retire. Click here
lol... In reality, whatever that may be, I solved every disease in the book . I'm lookin' for a new book lulz Have to meet Goldberg tomorrow.
Edited by alpha+omega 10/12/2015 2:39 PM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’s
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
How about this one?
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
Well Jesus also walked on water, John the Baptist was submerged, Moses parted the waves, and as for Samson, well he might have passed water now and again ...
Paul |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | So he - they - did! Well, maybe they did.
With love - Aquarius * * *
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Nice to see you back here Alpha |
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
Or Samson could have had a wash and cut ....
Just playing with the water puns ...
Love
Paul |
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Here is a Shaolin monk running on water (or as near as):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2dUkJIl00U |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | <p>The things that people do! One can never help wondering why. Not exactly walking on water, is he? With love - Aquarius<br /></p>
Edited by Aquarius 10/15/2015 10:28 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Good Old Days
Granddad was reminiscing about them the other day: ‘When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t’corner store wi’ a dollar, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf a dozen eggs. Yer can’t do that now. Too many bloomin’ security cameras.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Understanding And Applying The New Universal Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you also need to go to the toilet.
2. Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, always rolls into the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability. The likelihood of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers. If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you may indeed have a flat tire. So beware!
6. Law of Variation. If you change queues in the supermarket or traffic lanes, the one you were in begins to move faster than the one you have joined.
7. Law of Bathing. When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically, when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of Results. When you try to prove to someone that something doesn’t work, it will get going.
10. Law of Biomechanics. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach of your hands.
11. Doctors’ Law. When you feel unwell, you make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you will probably feel better. But strangely enough, if you don’t go and see her or him you may remain sick.
12. The Starbucks Law. As soon as you sit down to enjoy a cup of hot coffee, your boss asks you to do something that will take until your coffee has gone cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers. If there are only two people in a locker room, they are bound to be in adjacent ones.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces. The chances of an open-faced jelly, jam or marmalade sandwich landing face down on the floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the floor covering.
15. Law of Logical Argument. Anything is possible, if you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance. If the clothes fit, they’re probably not very nice.
17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy. As soon as you find a product that you really enjoy, it disappears from the shelves.
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Re: 18 - Interesting coincidence that Dr. James L. Wilson is a contemporary authority on adrenal fatigue, which could be of interest to metaphysicians and healers. Presumably that is not the same one is you mean, Aquarius!?
Love 'n' All
Paul
Edited by Paul Joseph 10/18/2015 6:46 AM
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Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
