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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | Fun With Languages
Isn’t English a crazy language? Let me illustrate this with a few examples. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And, by the way, why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’? There also is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP! And now it’s UP to you what you do with this.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Public Transport With A Difference
I bet you have never travelled like this!
Please follow the link below:
‘Public Transport In Russia’
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Wow I think this last post is so gender-centric .... as a man I might as well go and slit my wrists now ..... apologies for being whom or what I am
Edited by Paul Joseph 5/10/2015 3:07 PM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Seeing that it affects you in this way, I have deleted it. With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 5/11/2015 10:47 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Maxine Asks
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
And why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they know you are broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the Universe you believe them, but why, when someone tells you there is wet paint somewhere, do you have to touch it to check?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘s’ into the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a piece of string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, all of a sudden reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do dead bugs get into the enclosed light fittings?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four people suffers from some kind of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, it must be you.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Oh, Bubbles!
I’m forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky
Then like my dreams they fade and die
Fortune’s always hiding
I’ve looked everywhere
I’m forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air
Please follow the video link below:
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Has anyone encountered this yet?
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oHBG3ABUJU
Edited by Paul Joseph 5/23/2015 2:17 PM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Oh yes, Paul, I have. See the following posting. With love - Aquarius * * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | When You’re Getting On A Bit
Ever heard of AAADD
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
Everybody over 50 is at risk
and this is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I catch a glimpse of my car and decide it’s in need of washing.
Walking towards the garage, I notice the mail that I collected from the letterbox earlier on the table near the front door.
I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that it is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
When I take my cheque book off the table, I notice that only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go there and find a can of Coke I had been drinking earlier.
Searching for my new chequebook, I push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. Because it feels warm, I take it to the fridge in the kitchen.
Heading towards the kitchen with my Coke, I notice a vase of flowers in need of topping up with water on the worktop.
So, I put the Coke down and, to my delight, find my reading glasses which I’ve been searching for all morning. Thinking to myself: ‘I better put them back on my desk,’ but then decide to first give my flowers some water.
Leaving the glasses on the worktop, I am about to fill a container with water when I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I’ll be looking for it high and low and I shall never remember where I left it. So, I better put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
Whilst topping up the flower vase, but quite a bit of water splashes onto the floor. So, I put the remote control back on the table, get some kitchen towel and wipe up the spill.
After that, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place. At the end of the day I find that the car hasn’t been cleaned, the bills are still unpaid, a can of warm Coke is sitting on the kitchen worktop, the flowers still don’t have enough water and only one cheque is in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote control and the glasses and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did with the car keys.
Exhausted, I flop into a chair and I try to figure out why nothing got done today. This really baffles me because I know I have been very busy all day.
Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you – yet!
As my dear old dad used to say:
‘What’s blossoming in one is budding in another.’
Your time for the onset of AAADD may be closer than you think.
‘Growing older is mandatory,
growing up is optional and
laughing at ourselves is therapeutic.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Today I have something extra special for all those who enjoy travelling and exploring other countries and their customs.
It is a video that is neither funny nor suitable for any other thread,
so I have decided to share it with you here:
To Russia With Love
A Journey On The Zarengold – Gold Of The Tsars – Train
Of The Trans-Siberian Railways
It is a video that lasts thirty-five minutes
and takes us in style and splendour
through landscapes of breath-taking beauty.
If that sounds good to you,
Please follow the link below:
‘The Journey’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Letter To The Bank Manager
This letter really was written and sent by an eighty-six year old lady to her bank manager, who found it so amusing that he sent it to the Times Newspaper.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by a cheque that is addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you will have to nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Contact, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order for me to know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure. The mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
Immediately After Dialling, Press The Star (*) Button For English
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. This password will be sent to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact person.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.
P.S. Remember not to make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to cheese us off entirely.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Soft words butter no parsnips
And they won’t harden the heart of a cabbage either.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
Irish Proverbs
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Great Outdoors
Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping to get away from it all. In the middle of the night Sherlock woke Watson and asked him: ‘What do you see?’ Watson replied: ‘Why, I see stars – millions of them!’ ‘Hm,’ said Holmes. ‘And what does that tell you?’ ‘Well,’ came the reply, ‘astronomically, I see millions of stars, and the possibility that there are billions more of them in other galaxies. Theologically, I see that God is great and manifests magnificently in his Creation. Meteorologically, I see that the weather tomorrow will be clear and fine. But what do you see, Holmes?’
After a moment’s pause, Sherlock replied: ‘Elementary, my dear Watson! Someone has stolen our tent.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Graffiti
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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Make love not war.
See driver for details.
(On the back of a van)
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Back in a minute – Godot
(Dept. of English, Columbia University, N.Y.)
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Einstein rules relatively, okay.
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Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
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We are the writing on your wall.
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Join the Army!
Meet interesting people and kill them.
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Be alert.
Your country needs lerts.
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100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.
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Do not adjust your mind!
There is a fault in reality.
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‘God is dead!’ Nietzsche
Someone scrawled underneath:
‘Nietzsche is dead!’ God
Beneath that, another person wrote:
‘God is not dead, but alive and well,
And working on a much less ambitious project.’
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To do is to be. Rousseau
To be is to do. Sartre
Dobedobedo. Sinatra
From ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man runs up to a stranger and out of breath asks him: ‘Have you seen any police round here?’
‘Police round here, mate? You having a laugh?’ replies the other one.
‘Oh, good! Stick 'em up!’ says the first man.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Importance Of Drinking Water In Old Age
A reporter asked 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: ‘Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?’
Hattie replied:
For better digestion I drink beer.
In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine.
For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine.
In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch.
And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.
Reporter: When do you drink water?
Hattie: I’ve never been that sick!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Be Careful What You Ask For!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day, while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to become aware of the kind of things he had to endure and so one fine day he prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I go to work every day and put in eight hours of toil, while my wife merely stays at home. I don’t think that’s fair. I want her to get to know my lot in life. How about swopping our roles just for a day, so she does my work and I do hers?’
The Universe, in Its infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. And so the next morning he woke up as a woman. Immensely pleased with himself, he got up and prepared breakfast for his family. Then he raised the children from their slumbers and set out their school clothes. Having breakfasted with them, he packed their lunches and drove them to school. Upon returning home he picked up the dry cleaning and took it to the cleaners, stopping at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went to the supermarket to shop for groceries and drove home to put them away. After that he paid some bills, without forgetting to balance the check book.
After that he cleaned the cat’s litter tray and bathed the dog. As it was already one p.m., it was time for making the beds. After that came the laundry, dusting and vacuuming. Then he swept and mopped the kitchen floor. Oh dear! Time for picking the children up from school. On their way home they got into an argument with him. When they got home, he gave them some milk and biscuits and then supervised their homework.
After all that, he set up the ironing board and watched TV whilst he was ironing. At 4.30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables to make some salad. He breaded the pork chops he had bought and prepared fresh beans to accompany them. Having partaken in their evening meal, he cleaned the kitchen and got the dishwasher going, folded laundry, bathed the children and put them to bed.
By 9 p.m. he was so exhausted that, in spite of the fact that his daily chores were by no means finished, he went to bed. Instead of being allowed to go to sleep and get the rest he needed and had deserved, he was expected to make love. To his own amazement, he managed to get through it without complaint.
Upon waking the next morning, he immediately went down on his knees by the side of his bed and prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay at home. Please, oh please, will you let me be a man again? Amen!’
The Universal Force, in Its infinite wisdom, replied: ‘My dearest child of the Earth, I can see that you have learnt your lesson and I would be happy enough to change things back to the way they were, but you’ll have to wait nine months because you got pregnant last night.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.’ Friedrich Nietzsche |
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Hi Aquarius
Is that the same Nietzsche who is quoted as declaring 'God is dead' in your graffiti post above?
Just wondering about the connections, if any ...
Mazel Tov
Paul |
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Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | But, Hattie may have been a bit confused just the same......I'd sure love to know where in the USA Feague, Kentucky is........it doesn't seem to be in Kentucky Kentucky.......maybe it's in Berzerkly, California Kentucky where lots of strange things happen..... Martin and LuckyLee (from the Catskills, New York which is in the USA somewhere north of the Mason Dixon Line which is the last defense should the Maginot line fail---- VIVE LA FRANCE!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Paul Joseph - 7/8/2015 9:25 PM Hi Aquarius Is that the same Nietzsche who is quoted as declaring 'God is dead' in your graffiti post above? Just wondering about the connections, if any ... Mazel Tov Paul Yes, it is the same Nietzsche. 'God is dead' in the Graffiti is but a joke. Here is the full quote: ‘God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become Gods simply to appear worthy of it?’ Nietzsche With love - Aquarius
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | mruppert - 7/9/2015 1:03 AM But, Hattie may have been a bit confused just the same......I'd sure love to know where in the USA Feague, Kentucky is........it doesn't seem to be in Kentucky Kentucky.......maybe it's in Berzerkly, California Kentucky where lots of strange things happen..... Martin and LuckyLee (from the Catskills, New York which is in the USA somewhere north of the Mason Dixon Line which is the last defense should the Maginot line fail---- VIVE LA FRANCE!
Do you think that really matters? I thought it was hilarious. That's why I shared it here. Three cheers to Hattie, wherever she may be!
And peace be with you, too. With love - Aquarius 
Edited by Aquarius 7/9/2015 8:15 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The other day, I told my best friend about the Nietzsche quote: ‘Woman was God’s second mistake.’ Without hesitation, he replied: ‘The first one was creating man.’ |
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
Well firstly, that Nietzsche quote about how we 'must .... become gods' illustrates for me one seriously central problem, and can be seen to be why and how Nietzsche's ideas influenced the growth of Nazi ideology: the idea that human beings can become gods and thus create civilization in their/our own twisted image. We can see that now in the growth of contemporary cults too.
God cannot die: we might wish to kill Him (or Her), but in doing anything like that, we kill parts of ourself.
Secondly, I suspect you are being ironic (hope so!) - but equally I do not think creating woman was a mistake, second, first or otherwise (although I saw that as graffiti somewhere too). You clearly have a feminist imago going on, which is fine, and I am no great proponent of patriarchy either: but we are born as we are into and onto this planet, and it doesn't seem to me to help much by either gender castigating [and yes, I know there is a pun there waiting to come out ..] the other. Maybe we should all aspire to androgyny.
To take something from your other writings, how can God have made a mistake? For myself, I suspect God might have been lonely playing around, and things got out of hand - but that is another story.
As for Hattie, she reminds me of Captain Haddock in the Tintin books, who only drank whiskey.
Love
Paul
Edited by Paul Joseph 7/9/2015 3:42 PM
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Forum Administrator
Posts: 462
| Humour is a funny thing. Wasn't it Freud who said that the basis of all jokes is the sadistic impulse? |
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Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
