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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | The Typewriter
Leroy Anderson, 1908-1975, was an American composer of Swedish descent. He wrote short and light concert pieces, many of which were introduced by the Boston Pops Orchestra under the direction of Arthur Fiedler. As with all his other compositions, Leroy Anderson wrote ‘The Typewriter’ to be performed by an orchestra. The work was completed October 9, 1950.
This particular orchestration was presented to the public in a concert on June 12, 2011 by members of the National Orchestra and Chorus of Spain in Madrid. The soloist on the typewriter is Alfredo Anaya.
It’s the funniest video that has come my way for quite a while.
Please follow the link below:
‘The Typewriter’
Enjoy!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Alligators In The Pool
A CEO, Chief Executive Officer, is throwing a party and takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion, at the back of which is the largest swimming pool his visitors have ever seen. To their amazement, it is filled with hungry looking alligators.
The host says to his guests: ‘In my view, executives should be measured by the degree of their courage. That’s what once made me into a CEO. My challenge is if any one of you has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators and make it to the other side, I will give them anything they desire – my job, my money, my house, anything!’
Everyone laughs at this outrageous offer and follows the CEO on the tour of his estate. Suddenly, a loud splash can be heard. Everyone turns round and sees the CFO, the Chief Financial Officer, in the pool. Swimming for his life, he dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool. Just as he is pulling himself out of the water, one of the creatures snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says: ‘You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and you may now have anything I own. Tell me what I can do for you and it will be done.’
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says: ‘Just one thing, that’s all. Tell me who the hell pushed me into the pool.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Do You Think A Gallon Of Petrol Is Too Expensive?
To put things into perspective, compare it with the following:
Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 £10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 £9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 £10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 £33.60 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 £178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 £123.20 per gallon
Tippex 7oz £1.39 £5.42 per gallon
Best of all:
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 is £21.19 per gallon
£21.19 for nothing but water and the buyers don’t even know the source.
By the way, did you realise that Evian read backwards means naïve?
There’s no need to compare the price of petrol with that of perfume or aftershave.
Have you ever wondered why some computer printers are so cheap?
To make you become hooked on the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at the staggering price of £5,200 per gallon.
So, next time you are filling up, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, the Heavens forbid, printer ink.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Zebra
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the complaint: ‘Doctor, I think I’m going crazy. I keep imagining I am a zebra. Each time I look at myself in the mirror I see my entire body covered with black stripes.’
‘Calm down. You are not a zebra,’ the doctor reassures the man. Go home, take these pills and get a good night’s rest. I’m sure the black stripes will disappear.’
The man does as he is told, but the next day he is back. ‘Doctor,’ he says, ‘the black stripes have disappeared. I feel great! Now, have you anything for the white stripes?’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Soccer Match
Two long-time friends who loved playing soccer made a pact in their younger days. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the one left behind with information as to whether soccer was played in the world of spirit. Both adored the game so much that they looked forward to continue playing it after leaving the Earth plane.
When the first of them had passed on, the other one waited to see if his deceased friend would find a way of contacting him. Then one day, to his surprise, he received a message that his friend had some good and some bad news for him. ‘The good news is,’ his friend said, ‘that we do play soccer here and the bad news is that tomorrow you will be our goal keeper.’ * * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom |
Christmas In Our Time
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir.
We will lend a coat of fur.
We will rock you, rock you, rock you.
We will rock you, rock you, rock you.
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
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Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow,
In a one horse open sleigh,
O’er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way.
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
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While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.
The union of Shepherd’s has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
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Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road.
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load.
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
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We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
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Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place. Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Facts About Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually in late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to the historical presentations of Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Donner and Blitzen, could only be a female. They alone would be willing and able to drag a fat old man in a red velvet suit round our whole world in one night without getting lost.
Santa Claus’s reindeer form the team of flying reindeer that pull the sleigh of Santa Claus and help him deliver Christmas gifts. The names of the reindeer are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. The last two names are the German words for Thunder and Lightning. The names are based on those used in the 1823 poem ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’, commonly called ‘The Night Before Christmas’, the origin of the reindeer’s popularity as Christmas symbols.
Merry Christmas to you all.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Speedy Nag
A woman visited a psychiatrist and begged: ‘You’ve got to help me, Doctor. My husband thinks he’s a racehorse. He neighs, sleeps on straw and even eats grain!’
‘That surely is a new one,’ responded the psychiatrist, stifling a snicker. ‘Nonetheless, I should be able to help him, but I have to warn you – it’s going to be very costly!’
‘Oh, money isn’t an issue,’ replied the wife. ‘He’s already won two races.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Spanish Lesson
A teacher of the Spanish language was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are either masculine or feminine. She explained as follows:
House is ‘la casa’ and feminine,
Pencil is ‘el lapiz’ and therefore masculine.
One of her students asked: ‘What gender is computer?’
Instead of supplying them with the answer, the teacher first split her class into two groups, one male and the other female. Then she asked her pupils to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group had to give four reasons for its decision.
The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender, ‘la computadora’, because:
1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to men.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories.
Wait for it – it gets better!
The women’s group decided that computer should be a masculine word, el computador, for the following reasons:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you have committed yourself to one of them, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | E-Mail Addresses
An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife planned to join him two days later.
The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and sent it without realising his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. Expecting messages from relatives and friends, the lady decided to check her emails. When she read the first one, she screamed and fainted. When her son rushed into the room and saw his mother on the floor, he found the following e-mail on the computer screen:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I have arrived!
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I have made sure that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear. Your ever loving husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.
Please do not use the cursor to help you.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass the above three tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations!
Eonvrye who can raed this rsaie your hnad.
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too.
Can you raed this? Apparently olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae . The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Jewish Humour
A new flood is foretold. In five days the rain will be incessant and our world wiped out.
The Dalai Lama in an interview asks all Buddhists to prepare for their next reincarnation.
The Pope holds an audience and advises all Catholics to confess their sins and pray.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel on TV announces: ‘Friends, we have five days to learn how to live under water.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Jeff Foxworthy On New Englanders
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.
If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you live in New England.
If you’ve ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you live in New England.
‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day, and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know the four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
‘Down South’ to you means Philadelphia.
Your neighbour throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly.’
P.S. For Non-Americans: Jeffrey Marshall Foxworthy (born September 6, 1958) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television and radio personality, author and voice artist.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Changing A Light Bulb
Ah yes! But how does one do this on a 1500 feet TV Tower?
It’s easy when you know how to – and have the nerve to do it!
Please follow the link below:
‘Changing A Light Bulb’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Fire Fighting
A fire is raging at a chemical plant in northern Wisconsin. Since the location is so rural, the local town fire department begins to call for back up from the surrounding area. Hundreds of volunteers show up alongside fire departments from neighbouring towns and counties, as well as the rural and forest fire departments. As they are dousing the fire as best they can, it breaks into the storerooms of the company’s volatile chemicals and roars out of control.
The owner, looking on in desperation, declares that any fire department that can go in and save his family’s formulas in the middle of the plant, will be given half a million dollars as a reward. The fire-fighters, already weary from struggling with the blaze, begin with renewed vigour, but to no avail, the fire responds by making one side of the plant collapse.
Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, appears an old fire engine from the 1940’s. Its bell is ringing wildly out of control and the truck’s driver does not seem to cope much better with navigating the road. The truck is loaded with a crew of retired volunteers from a small town up the road. All have a stone hard determination etched on their faces, as the driver ploughs onward to his destination and smashes the truck through a barricade and from there and through a wall, which sends the truck into the middle of the inferno.
The owner of the plant watches in awe as the veteran fire-fighters jump out of their truck, get into their suits and begin fighting the fire from inside the plant. The rest of the fire-fighters outside, inspired by the bravery of these haughty old veterans, begin to fight the fire with a renewed vigour. They don’t want the money any longer, but wish to do their best to help the heroes inside.
After some hours the fire is finally contained and begins to die down. As the retired veterans stumble out of the wreckage of the plant, the excited owner of the plant comes running up to them with all the remaining fire-fighters behind him. They all want to meet these brave men. The owner gives a check to the most grizzled of them who comes hobbling out of the plant first. ‘That was the most courageous things I’ve ever seen! You’ve saved my families legacy. I cannot thank you enough, so please take this!’ He hands the cheque over and the recipient, still somewhat dazed from his ordeal, nods and starts to walk away with the rest of his men. As everybody is watching them walk off into the distance, the owner calls after them: ‘What will you do with the money?’
The leader of the veterans, with a hard look of determination in his eyes replies: ‘Well, first thing we’re going to do is get those darned brakes fixed on the truck!’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Revolutionary Song
I could have done it yesterday, if I hadn’t had a cold,
But since I’ve put this pint away, I’ve never felt so bold.
So, as soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, the revolution starts.
I’ll shoot the aristocracy and confiscate their brass,
Create a fine democracy that’s truly working class.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, I’ll raise the banner high.
I’ll fight the nasty racialists and scrap the colour bar,
And all fascist dictatorships and every commissar.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, I’ll man the barricades.
So raise your glasses, everyone, for everything is planned,
And each and every mother’s son will see the Promised Land.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes . . .
I think I’m going to be sick.
Alex Glasgow
‘The Revolutionary Song’
Enjoy!
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Tap On The Shoulder
A passenger in the backseat of a taxi wanted to ask his driver a question. Leaning forward, he tapped the man behind the wheel on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over a curb and stopped only inches away from a large plate glass window.
For a moment there was silence in the cab, but then the still shaking driver gathered his wits and said: ‘I’m very sorry about this, but you scared the living daylights out of me.’
The frightened passenger apologised profusely and said he had not realised that a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten anyone so much. ‘Ah,’ replied the driver, ‘it’s me who needs to apologise. The whole thing is entirely my fault. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last twenty-five years. Today is my first day as a taxi driver.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Slippery Customer
A video about a squirrel trying to raid a bird feeding box,
but …
See for yourself by following the link below:
‘Slippery Customer’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | I Am Thirsty!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: ‘Da-ad.’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, you had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad.’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later: ‘Daaaa-aaaad.’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Sick Note
Dear Sir
I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today
While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.
Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.
So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below
Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.
Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.
The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
‘The Sick Note’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Pregnancy Questions And Answers
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, immediately after it finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method of determining a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that her behaviour sometimes borders on the irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’m going to feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: When you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act something like normal again?
A: When your children have gone to college.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | From The Police Report
A policeman calls the station on his radio: ‘Hello, is that you Sarge?’
‘Yes?’
‘We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.’
‘Have you arrested the woman?’
‘No sir. The floor is still wet.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Badge
A US Drug Enforcement Administration Officer one day stopped at our farm and told me: ‘I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.’
‘Okay,’ I replied, ‘but don’t go in that field over there.’
Exploding with rage, the Officer replied: ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!’ Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he brought out his badge and with a growl shoved it into my face: ‘See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’
Nodding politely, I apologised and went about my chores. It didn’t take long until I heard a loud scream. When I looked up I saw that the Officer was chased by my big old mean bull. He was running for his life, but with every step the bull was gaining ground and it was very likely that the man would get gored before he could reach safety. He looked so terrified that I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my voice: ‘Your badge, show him the badge!’
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Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
