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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | If you click the link, you will be able to see what engineers get up to when they retire. Click here
Edited by Aquarius 5/16/2013 6:00 AM
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | WAY too much time on their hands. LOL
Fun to watch.....
Thanks for sharing.
HUGS
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | "God laughs and plays" (the title of a treatise by the marvellous Meister Eckhart)
Edited by Paul Joseph 1/3/2009 4:09 PM
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PhD Alumni
Posts: 584
Location: Nigeria | Time Play No Coincidence Easy to Watch Difficult to Play And Play We Must! |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | White Eagle ‘The Source of all our Strength – Enjoy Fun’: ‘Life is not solemn. It is full of joy and fun. Think of life as being eternal and that you – a tiny spark of that Divine life – are learning to walk a path which is leading you to union with your Heavenly Parents. The goal of your life is the conscious union with that Divine love and peace and joy and – yes – fun.’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | This is supposed to be a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope. It claims that if you are honest it tells you the truth. Write your answers on paper. Then scroll down. 1. Which is your favourite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, Black or White?
5. The name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or an ocean more?
When you are done, scroll down. Don't cheat! *
*
*
*
* Answers: 1. If you choose:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down. 2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright. 3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great; you will find your soul mate. 4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better. You are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it. 5 This person should be your Best Friend. 6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time. 7. If you choose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida : You are a laid back person. 8. If you choose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people. Created by Anon. Edited by Aquarius |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Cross-Examinations
A collection of allegedly true extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questions are from lawyers or barristers and the answers from witnesses. They are examples of verbal confusion and communication misunderstandings that illustrate the importance of listening and understanding.
Q: ‘The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.’
A: ‘No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.’
* * *
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
* * *
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * *
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
* * *
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
* * *
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
* * *
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
* * *
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
* * *
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
* * *
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
* * *
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
* * *
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
* * *
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
* * *
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
* * *
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
* * *
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
* * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Are you lonely?
Work on your own?
Hate having to make decisions?
Then hold a meeting.
You can get to see other people,
Sleep in peace,
Load decisions onto others,
Feel important and impress your colleagues –
Just think – all of that in work time!
M e e t i n g s –
The practical and creative alternative to work.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Tale Of The Goat
Two rednecks are out hunting. Walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. First hunter: ‘Wow, some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.’Second hunter: ‘I don’t know, let’s throw something into it and listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom.’First hunter: ‘There’s this old truck transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see’. So they pick it up and carry it over. Counting one and two and three, they heave it into the hole. As they stand listening and looking over the edge to see what’s going on, they hear something rustling behind them. Upon turning round, they see a goat come crashing through the brush. It runs up to the hole and without hesitation jumps in.Stunned, the hunters look at each other and then into the hole. As they are trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up to them. ‘Say there’, he says. ’You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here, did you?’One of the hunters replies: ‘Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped into this hole.’The old farmer said: ‘Why that’s impossible, I had it chained to a big old transmission!’ |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Diet For Stressed People
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Penguins from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine, red or white
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake, if need be eaten directly from the freezer.
REMEMBER:
‘Stressed’ spelled backwards is desserts. |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Mother Superior’s Last Hours
Mother Superior was on her death bed and all nuns were gathered around her trying to make her last hours as pleasant as possible. They tried talking to her and reading to her, but she did not respond.
At last one of the sisters remembered an expensive bottle of brandy she had. She poured a good measure of it into a glass and added some milk. She took this to Mother Superior and persuaded her to drink. In no time at all the contents of the glass had disappeared.
One of the sisters said to her: ‘Mother Superior, before you go, please give us one more piece of your wisdom?’
With her dying breath, Mother Superior whispered: ‘Whatever you do, don’t kill that cow!’
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Children On History
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student howler in an essay. I have pasted together the following ‘history’ of the world from certifiably genuine student howlers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through to college level. If you read carefully, you are sure to learn a lot. Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pirated are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in ‘The Iliad’, by Homer. Homer also wrote the ‘Oddity’, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had more men.
Eventually the Romans conquered the Geeks.
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Hanging On A Rope
Eight men and one woman,
Had been rescued from the scene of an accident
And were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
They were told that the rope
Was not strong enough to carry them all to safety.
They decided that one of them had to let go,
Because otherwise they would all fall and die.
Unable to choose who that person should be,
They hung on for a while – no pun intended!
But then, an idea came to the woman
And she held a most touching speech.
She said she was going to let go of the rope
Because she, as a woman,
Was accustomed to giving up everything for her
Husband and children and also for men in general.
So making sacrifices that brought her little in return
Was nothing new to her.
As soon as she finished speaking,
The men showed their appreciation by clapping.
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘Today is my forty-eighth wedding anniversary. Strangely, the same applies to my wife. Who says there’s no such thing as coincidences?’ Courtjester 
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.’ |
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Three friends from the local congregation were asked: ‘When you’re in your coffin and friends and congregation members are mourning you, what would you like them to say?’ They gave the following replies:
Artie: ‘I would like them to say that I had been a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.’
Eugene: ‘I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a huge difference to people’s lives.’
Al: ‘I’d like them to say: “Look, he’s moving.”’
* * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man climbs to the top of a mountain to talk with God. Looking up, he asks: ‘What does a million years mean to you?’
Back comes the reply: ‘A minute.’
‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’
‘A penny.’
‘Okay then, can I have a penny?’
‘Yes, you can. In a minute.’
* * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man went to see a psychiatrist and said: ‘Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ replied the Doctor. ‘Take a deep breath and calm down. And now tell me where exactly is this Larry’s bar?’
* * *
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | And then there was a man on his deathbed and gasping pitifully. ‘Allow me one last request, dear,’ he said to his wife.
‘Of course, dearest,’ she replied.
‘Six months after I die, I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob.’
‘I do!’ he wheezed with his last breath.
* * *
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Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Hi aq! I answered multiple for most of the questions. lol Verrry Interesting, but I have to get back to wotrk with Elon Musk and Dr. Frankel from MIT explaining what dat's all about, Alphie!  It is not a train but is more like a javelin, put on the back burner for/until now. Several nuclear reactors are burning in the atmosphere unabated. Like wise, several fuel ponds are cracked. They contain a lot of plutonium which, as its name states, belongs deep in rock of an Earth type planet. As for Da Tube, this is the launcher to accelerate the Javelin, containing Lunar Regolith mined by little robots. to the lunar escape velocity of about 6400 ft./sec if memory serves correct. Once launched, Solar furmaces can construct more pieces of the puzzle. The Solid tube is then targeted at an entire nuke reactor complex to bury it deep under the earth like planet's crust. Call me nutz, but consider that you are living on such a planet. Ya got any bettah ideas? I'd be glad to hear. To these ends, I am launching a theoretical Faculty of Applied Psi Ends . Dat's Engneerng in case you didn't know.Nurses and Home Economists also should have such metaphysical faculties, but I do not know of their existence.
Now I know us Gearz an' Aggies an' Artzees haven't exactly always been Tickety Boo with each other! lol So maybe it is time to offer an Olive Branch of sorts, Pro Bono Professionis as the old motto goes. Should be fun; actually a laff riot. Thaz ok cuz I heard it is da best medicine. :p
Edited by alpha+omega 8/13/2013 11:45 AM
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Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Aquarius - 6/8/2013 10:56 AM The Tale Of The Goat
Two rednecks are out hunting. Walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. ../.The old farmer said: ‘Why that’s impossible, I had it chained to a big old transmission!’ loLz
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for letting me know. With love - Aquarius
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | alpha+omega - 8/13/2013 3:58 PM Hi aq! I answered multiple for most of the questions. lol Verrry Interesting, but I have to get back to wotrk with Elon Musk and Dr. Frankel from MIT explaining what dat's all about, Alphie! ... Sorry, dear Alpha. I haven't a clue what you are talking about. Are you sure you posted it in the thread you originally had in mind? With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 8/15/2013 3:39 PM
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Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | That may have happened. It seems that sometimes the Indices for various topics interconnect at my end, with unpredictable results. Stranger stuff has happened, so you have an idea How strange things can get here when Astro Travelling! lol Ihave the T-sirt and badges coming to show for it as well. I will say it in pictures eventually. This is the Plan, albeit they also did not understand what I was talking about. They feel it is some kind of bullet train but no, it is an inter-lunar craft mechanism of many parts to bury large nuclear reactor complexii in one shot each problematic facility. This is major surgery coordinated with the Patient(s) Wide Awake, resulting in some seismic/airblast shock, but much ez-er to handle and prepare for than a typical earthquake/Tsunami/etc. event. I am actually planning for them to steal the Thunder undercover/Overcover/Betwixt Da Sheetz here lol. Dey will tink I am nutz, Know Nothing!/sChultz, but their MMV. Now for Da Joke Artist, Mathematician, and an Engineer are discussing Who Da Heck Designed Woman. Artist sez, "Had to be an Artsie, Man! Look at the Perfection, the Beautiful Balance, the Delicate lines, the Tonality, the Sweet Tones, even the scent!" Mathematician says, "Bull5h!+! Had to be Mathematician... The Perfect Parabolic Curves alone suggest that!" Engineer just chuckles. "Waddina F@#$'s so Funny?" they query. "Whood EVAH put a Playground beside A Sewer?"
I just noticed there is no appropriate link
Edited by alpha+omega 8/17/2013 8:42 AM
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UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | That does sound interesting! Tell me more, tell me more... With love - Aquarus
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Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
