|
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | The Nature Of Hell
The following is a question that was actually given in a University of Washington chemistry final exam: ‘Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.’ Most of the students wrote of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
‘First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. For this we have to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving it. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of them state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions who are trying to convince us that this is true, and because people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that the souls of all people go to Hell. With birth and death rates the way they presently are, we can surmise that the number of souls in Hell is increasing exponentially.
Now, let us look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. As Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This presents us with two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering it, the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in it, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, who told me: ‘It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in sleeping with her, number two cannot be true, and that makes me feel sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student is the only who got an A.
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
|
|
| |
|
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
I seem to remember checking the etymology of Hell some years ago and found it linked back to Old English meaning to 'seal off', or something similar. That always seemed to be a good working definition, ie, that someone 'in Hell', is sealed off, from life. It captures the way in which we can place ourselves in Hell, rather more than the idea of 'Divine Judgement'. I will need to recheck, but posted this meantime.
Love
Paul |
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Thank you, Paul, that makes a great deal of sense to me. With love - Aquarius * * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Ventriloquist With A Difference
Watch how the man walks off the stage and the puppet continues on its own.
‘The Ventriloquist’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | From The Mouths Of Children
A new teacher was trying to make use of what she had learned in her psychology studies. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, One of the children stood up. The teacher said: ‘Do you think you’re stupid?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
* * *
A little boy watched with fascination as his mother smoothed cold cream onto her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘Are you giving up?’ asked the lad.
* * *
A kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ With a puzzled look on its face the child replied: ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’
* * *
A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ The father replied: ‘Whenever I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. With a worried look on his face, the lad replied: ‘Dad, I think the Parcel Force man wants to buy mum.’
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | For this special day I have prepared a little surprise for you.
Please follow the link below:
‘Thanksgiving’
With love – Aquarius
* * *
|
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | A juicy drumstick to you Aqua!
Joyeux Jour de Merci Donnant!
Ah, Thanksgiving......the only day of the year that Americans eat better than the French do......
Pumpkin Peace o' Pie,
Marty
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Merci beaucoup, cher Martin. I cannot help wondering whether the Americans really are eating BETTER on this day or merely more? As far as I am concerned, I prefer quality to quantity any time - foodwise and otherwise. Bon appetit! Aquarius * * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Here is something that puts things into perspective whenever we are in danger of losing it. Please follow the link below and join me on: 'The Journey' * * * |
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Two treats today......I have always liked Eric Idle.......and, in another venue, Paul mentioned Spike Milligan....both have given us quite a few laughs over time.
Marty |
|
| |
|
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Did anyone see this? It is absolutely wonderful and just about the best response to 'ISIS': it was posted on Facebook this week by someone called Finchie Cova, and has been shared 12,000 times (I hope UMS will forgive the sometimes colourful language!)!
MY OPEN LETTER TO ISIS
What's the craic lads! I don't think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullcrap.
So how's yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and "copy paste" fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!
Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world's biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he's called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick "chat" about it.
What's this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called "The Global Coalition" in some mad 80's themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.
First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much crape hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all "rouge and crap" and joining in fights we clearly don't want to be part of. It's like when a fisht fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Iano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don't bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn't be arsed with the hole thing, we're simply too laid back.
Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.
Don't judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don't like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don't give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon's law, (or whatever it is) won't work here. I know a Sharon, and she's a cunt. We don't like her either.
Don't bomb our crap. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy leitrim, absolute crapehole lads I'm not joking)
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common...all mad bastards. Let that sink in
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning your fooeyed. Like actually fooeyed. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to " the cause" and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don't even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!.
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offies close at ten
2. Don't leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono's address
4. Don't bomb crap when the toy show is on
5. Start with leitrim
6. If your looking for virgins you won't find any on Harcourt street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don't judge you for where your from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep fooeying walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don't want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the crap out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack's.
Yours unintentionally
Finchie and the rest of Ireland
EDIT: offaly, offaly too!
Forwarded with joy at the ever-redeeming factor of good humour
Paul
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Euro English
The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan aimed to become known as ‘Euro-English’. Here are a few examples:
In the first year, the soft ‘c’ will replace the ‘s’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one fewer letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will nicely shorten words like photograph.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the forz yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Created by Anon.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Walking On Water
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. Sitting by the side of a lake, they closed their eyes in concentration. Suddenly the first one stood up and said: ‘I forgot my mat.’ He stepped onto the water and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said: ‘I forgot to turn off the stove.’ He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.
The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. ‘Is your learning so superior to mine? I am sure I can match any feat you two can perform,’ he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. When he tried to step onto it, he immediately disappeared under the surface.
Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and had another go with the same result. Again and again he tried while the other two were sitting and calmly watching his efforts.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first one and said: ‘Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?’
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Recipe For A Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
- 2 cups flour
- 1 stick butter
- 1 cup water
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 cup brown sugar
- Lemon juice
- 4 large eggs
- Nuts
- 2 bottles wine
- 2 cups dried fruit
Sample the wine to check its quality. Take a large bowl, test the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, first pour one level cup of it and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still okay. Better try another cup.
Just in case, turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Pick the fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, then a spoon of sugar or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat. Then walk to the nearest supermarket and buy a cake.
Bingle Jells!
Merry Christmas to all.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How About A Spot Of Fortune Telling?
This is supposed to be a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope which, if you are honest, is supposed to tell the truth.
For a bit of fun, why not have a go? Write your answers down and begin:
1. Which is your favourite colour: red, black, blue, green or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which colour do you like better, black or white?
5. The name of a person of the same sex as you?
6. Your favourite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a Lake or the Ocean more?
9. Write down a realistic wish.
When you are done, scroll down and no cheating, please.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Answer 1:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you will fall in love with someone quite unexpectedly.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major
Life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great. You will find your soul mate.
4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better and you are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realise this.
5. This person should be your Best Friend.
6. This is how many close friends you will have in your present lifetime.
7. If you choose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
8. If you choose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
Happy New Year 2016 to all.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | That was fun.... I enjoy things like this, always have. They seem very optimistic! Hope all is going well~
HUGS |
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Thank you for letting me know. With love - Aquarius * * *
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom |
Edited by Aquarius 1/15/2016 10:07 AM
|
|
| |
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Senior Issues
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that they should become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, therefore doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you are muttering protests.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
1. Death is the number killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day when they are lying in hospital and dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the sixties people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
9. Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
* * *
|
|
| |
|
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | That is very funny and all so true .... |
|
| |
Don't Take It All Too Seriously!
