|
|
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
   
Location: United Kingdom | If you click the link, you will be able to see what engineers get up to when they retire. Click here
Edited by Aquarius 5/16/2013 6:00 AM
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | WAY too much time on their hands. LOL
Fun to watch.....
Thanks for sharing.
HUGS
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | "God laughs and plays" (the title of a treatise by the marvellous Meister Eckhart)
Edited by Paul Joseph 1/3/2009 4:09 PM
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 584
Location: Nigeria | Time Play No Coincidence Easy to Watch Difficult to Play And Play We Must! | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | White Eagle ‘The Source of all our Strength – Enjoy Fun’: ‘Life is not solemn. It is full of joy and fun. Think of life as being eternal and that you – a tiny spark of that Divine life – are learning to walk a path which is leading you to union with your Heavenly Parents. The goal of your life is the conscious union with that Divine love and peace and joy and – yes – fun.’
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | This is supposed to be a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope. It claims that if you are honest it tells you the truth. Write your answers on paper. Then scroll down. 1. Which is your favourite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, Black or White?
5. The name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or an ocean more?
When you are done, scroll down. Don't cheat! *
*
*
*
* Answers: 1. If you choose:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down. 2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright. 3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great; you will find your soul mate. 4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better. You are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it. 5 This person should be your Best Friend. 6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time. 7. If you choose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida : You are a laid back person. 8. If you choose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people. Created by Anon. Edited by Aquarius | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Cross-Examinations
A collection of allegedly true extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questions are from lawyers or barristers and the answers from witnesses. They are examples of verbal confusion and communication misunderstandings that illustrate the importance of listening and understanding.
Q: ‘The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.’
A: ‘No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.’
* * *
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
* * *
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * *
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
* * *
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
* * *
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
* * *
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
* * *
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
* * *
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
* * *
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
* * *
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
* * *
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
* * *
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
* * *
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
* * *
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
* * *
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Are you lonely?
Work on your own?
Hate having to make decisions?
Then hold a meeting.
You can get to see other people,
Sleep in peace,
Load decisions onto others,
Feel important and impress your colleagues –
Just think – all of that in work time!
M e e t i n g s –
The practical and creative alternative to work.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Tale Of The Goat
Two rednecks are out hunting. Walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. First hunter: ‘Wow, some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.’Second hunter: ‘I don’t know, let’s throw something into it and listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom.’First hunter: ‘There’s this old truck transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see’. So they pick it up and carry it over. Counting one and two and three, they heave it into the hole. As they stand listening and looking over the edge to see what’s going on, they hear something rustling behind them. Upon turning round, they see a goat come crashing through the brush. It runs up to the hole and without hesitation jumps in.Stunned, the hunters look at each other and then into the hole. As they are trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up to them. ‘Say there’, he says. ’You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here, did you?’One of the hunters replies: ‘Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped into this hole.’The old farmer said: ‘Why that’s impossible, I had it chained to a big old transmission!’ | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Diet For Stressed People
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Penguins from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine, red or white
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake, if need be eaten directly from the freezer.
REMEMBER:
‘Stressed’ spelled backwards is desserts. | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Mother Superior’s Last Hours
Mother Superior was on her death bed and all nuns were gathered around her trying to make her last hours as pleasant as possible. They tried talking to her and reading to her, but she did not respond.
At last one of the sisters remembered an expensive bottle of brandy she had. She poured a good measure of it into a glass and added some milk. She took this to Mother Superior and persuaded her to drink. In no time at all the contents of the glass had disappeared.
One of the sisters said to her: ‘Mother Superior, before you go, please give us one more piece of your wisdom?’
With her dying breath, Mother Superior whispered: ‘Whatever you do, don’t kill that cow!’
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Children On History
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student howler in an essay. I have pasted together the following ‘history’ of the world from certifiably genuine student howlers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through to college level. If you read carefully, you are sure to learn a lot. Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pirated are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in ‘The Iliad’, by Homer. Homer also wrote the ‘Oddity’, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had more men.
Eventually the Romans conquered the Geeks.
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Hanging On A Rope
Eight men and one woman,
Had been rescued from the scene of an accident
And were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
They were told that the rope
Was not strong enough to carry them all to safety.
They decided that one of them had to let go,
Because otherwise they would all fall and die.
Unable to choose who that person should be,
They hung on for a while – no pun intended!
But then, an idea came to the woman
And she held a most touching speech.
She said she was going to let go of the rope
Because she, as a woman,
Was accustomed to giving up everything for her
Husband and children and also for men in general.
So making sacrifices that brought her little in return
Was nothing new to her.
As soon as she finished speaking,
The men showed their appreciation by clapping.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘Today is my forty-eighth wedding anniversary. Strangely, the same applies to my wife. Who says there’s no such thing as coincidences?’ Courtjester 
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.’ | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Three friends from the local congregation were asked: ‘When you’re in your coffin and friends and congregation members are mourning you, what would you like them to say?’ They gave the following replies:
Artie: ‘I would like them to say that I had been a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.’
Eugene: ‘I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a huge difference to people’s lives.’
Al: ‘I’d like them to say: “Look, he’s moving.”’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man climbs to the top of a mountain to talk with God. Looking up, he asks: ‘What does a million years mean to you?’
Back comes the reply: ‘A minute.’
‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’
‘A penny.’
‘Okay then, can I have a penny?’
‘Yes, you can. In a minute.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man went to see a psychiatrist and said: ‘Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ replied the Doctor. ‘Take a deep breath and calm down. And now tell me where exactly is this Larry’s bar?’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | And then there was a man on his deathbed and gasping pitifully. ‘Allow me one last request, dear,’ he said to his wife.
‘Of course, dearest,’ she replied.
‘Six months after I die, I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob.’
‘I do!’ he wheezed with his last breath.
* * *
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Hi aq! I answered multiple for most of the questions. lol Verrry Interesting, but I have to get back to wotrk with Elon Musk and Dr. Frankel from MIT explaining what dat's all about, Alphie!  It is not a train but is more like a javelin, put on the back burner for/until now. Several nuclear reactors are burning in the atmosphere unabated. Like wise, several fuel ponds are cracked. They contain a lot of plutonium which, as its name states, belongs deep in rock of an Earth type planet. As for Da Tube, this is the launcher to accelerate the Javelin, containing Lunar Regolith mined by little robots. to the lunar escape velocity of about 6400 ft./sec if memory serves correct. Once launched, Solar furmaces can construct more pieces of the puzzle. The Solid tube is then targeted at an entire nuke reactor complex to bury it deep under the earth like planet's crust. Call me nutz, but consider that you are living on such a planet. Ya got any bettah ideas? I'd be glad to hear. To these ends, I am launching a theoretical Faculty of Applied Psi Ends . Dat's Engneerng in case you didn't know.Nurses and Home Economists also should have such metaphysical faculties, but I do not know of their existence.
Now I know us Gearz an' Aggies an' Artzees haven't exactly always been Tickety Boo with each other! lol So maybe it is time to offer an Olive Branch of sorts, Pro Bono Professionis as the old motto goes. Should be fun; actually a laff riot. Thaz ok cuz I heard it is da best medicine. :p
Edited by alpha+omega 8/13/2013 11:45 AM
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Aquarius - 6/8/2013 10:56 AM The Tale Of The Goat
Two rednecks are out hunting. Walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. ../.The old farmer said: ‘Why that’s impossible, I had it chained to a big old transmission!’ loLz
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for letting me know. With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | alpha+omega - 8/13/2013 3:58 PM Hi aq! I answered multiple for most of the questions. lol Verrry Interesting, but I have to get back to wotrk with Elon Musk and Dr. Frankel from MIT explaining what dat's all about, Alphie! ... Sorry, dear Alpha. I haven't a clue what you are talking about. Are you sure you posted it in the thread you originally had in mind? With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 8/15/2013 3:39 PM
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | That may have happened. It seems that sometimes the Indices for various topics interconnect at my end, with unpredictable results. Stranger stuff has happened, so you have an idea How strange things can get here when Astro Travelling! lol Ihave the T-sirt and badges coming to show for it as well. I will say it in pictures eventually. This is the Plan, albeit they also did not understand what I was talking about. They feel it is some kind of bullet train but no, it is an inter-lunar craft mechanism of many parts to bury large nuclear reactor complexii in one shot each problematic facility. This is major surgery coordinated with the Patient(s) Wide Awake, resulting in some seismic/airblast shock, but much ez-er to handle and prepare for than a typical earthquake/Tsunami/etc. event. I am actually planning for them to steal the Thunder undercover/Overcover/Betwixt Da Sheetz here lol. Dey will tink I am nutz, Know Nothing!/sChultz, but their MMV. Now for Da Joke Artist, Mathematician, and an Engineer are discussing Who Da Heck Designed Woman. Artist sez, "Had to be an Artsie, Man! Look at the Perfection, the Beautiful Balance, the Delicate lines, the Tonality, the Sweet Tones, even the scent!" Mathematician says, "Bull5h!+! Had to be Mathematician... The Perfect Parabolic Curves alone suggest that!" Engineer just chuckles. "Waddina F@#$'s so Funny?" they query. "Whood EVAH put a Playground beside A Sewer?"
I just noticed there is no appropriate link
Edited by alpha+omega 8/17/2013 8:42 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | That does sound interesting! Tell me more, tell me more... With love - Aquarus
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Aquarius - 8/17/2013 4:49 AM That does sound interesting! Tell me more, tell me more... With love - Aquarus
Well, Some have said that Plutonium is the most poisonous substance known to man.. 1 lb. of plutonium distributed evenly amongst The Human Species would kill every last one of them. Yet they handled alloys of it regularly with their bare hands at Los Alamos. Of course that depends on which Isotope. And there are trickier things to be considered, such as critical mass. Even solutions containing amounts of plutonium stirred improperly can have a "Criticality Event." This isn't Yer Regular garden variety Down Home nuclear explosion, but a burst of neutrons spraying like little subatomic bullets all ovah da place. Lookup The Demon Core in any search engine to find what happened to Harry Daghlian Jr. and Louis Slotin When Apollo 13 failed, they took great care to re-enter the tiny little nuclear reactor aboard the LEM to the Mariana Trench, the deepest spot in the ocean. Fukushima was the largest no0k complex in Da World. I have a plan. I am working through the steps. It will make the Moonshots small in comparison. For example, they didn't have ta Jack Da Munny first! lol Next, I will need a very enlightened Team of "Different" Engineers. The existing crop fails miserably when it comes to Imagineering, amongst other desirable attributes. In the middle of this, I stumbled across Dark Energy/Matter Physics not as a Physicist, but by "getting my hands dirty" Metaphysically speaking. It is in reverse of the traditional Theory > Proof > Design > Results chain of things out of necessity and the Nature of the Beast; analyzing Cognitive Physics from the Point Of View of the Meat Computer, a recursive doppleganger at best. Heisenberg becomes your only Certainty by default. Now how do we tackle this to even begin to get to work? Time is on My Side here. Oh, those puns. lol In short, I plan to assemble a tube at the moon to take a half million cubic meters in one shot and submerge it under the earth's crust. Then after tweaking with test shots on the moon itself, I will turn my sights on "ET: Phoning Home!" It all boils down to two things 1. Have you EVAH seen an Engneerng Professor put a Paper Straw through a Raw Potato? Ask one! 2. The answer to your question is The Question, "Do You know the Ten Commandments?"
Well, I busted a few for sure... lol
Edited by alpha+omega 8/17/2013 10:08 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Two men are sitting on a park bench one morning. Their conversation starts as follows:
A: What are you going to do today?
B: Nothing.
A: You did that yesterday.
B: I know, but I didn’t finish it.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Grandparent’s Answering Machine Message:
Good morning. We are not at home, so please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeep . . .
If you are one of our children, dial 1.
Then select one of the options from 1 to 5 in order of your birth date, so we know who is calling.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the children up from school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or have one delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking. We are listening.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | 'Don't take it all too seriously'
Well, kind of yes, this and we and us are all playing the Great Game of God
Which at the meta level, is certainly, a 'game', and something to seek to enjoy the playing thereof
But at the level of the here and now, matters become more complicated, a little, I feel.
In terms of this post on this thread, I might respectfully suggest: who are the 'Grandparents'?
They are the Gods and Goddesses
Who are the Gods and Goddesses?
They are our inner archetypes
What are our inner archetypes?
They are the templates by which we each of us live, inherited and/or introjected
What is the 'Answering Machine'?
It can only ever be, an Echo
And what is an Echo?
Our own voice repeated back; a character in Greek myth
Oh yes, sorry, back to the complication[s]:
Writing too in light and feeling of concern for war, the prevention of war, the burden on all leaders, and sending blessings and divine wisdom to those who bear the most heaviest of burdens at this current time:
Namaste to them, to the innocents, and also too, to those who are guilty, of crimes that they can only know
Edited by Paul Joseph 8/31/2013 3:27 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Wise words, well spoken! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Could the following item by any change have come my way in reply to your questions, dear Paul?
With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 9/4/2013 5:29 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | What Is A Grandparent?
From papers written by a class of eight-year-olds.
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.
It is good when they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down and show us things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
They don’t say: ‘Hurry up.’
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
They can answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grown-ups who enjoy spending time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time. They say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
Grandpa is the smartest man on Earth. He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him.
It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks and they say it was the dog.
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 9/4/2013 5:28 AM
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Now as I look in the mirror, that is funny. lol I am that Grampz, however a Grand Uncle only AFAIK (likely story.) But like Lulu , I seem to be getting younger. I better chill a bit or I'll have to crawl back in somewhere!
Edited by alpha+omega 9/4/2013 2:03 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.’ Oscar Wilde
‘The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.’ Oscar Wilde
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Taking Advice
A young priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Afterwards he asked his superior how he had done. The reply was: ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass. Whenever I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’
Next Sunday the young man took the advice. ‘Who am I to argue,’ he told himself. As soon as he started his sermon, he felt so nervous that he took a good swig and was soon talking up a storm.
When he returned to his office after mass, the following note had been pinned to the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky one.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the hell out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The River
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said: ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’ Becoming really passionate, he added: ‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’ Getting ever more carried away with his own fervour, he shook his fist in the air and shouted: ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take that and pour it into the river.’ When he had finished, he resumed his seat, highly pleased with himself,.
Very cautiously the song leader got to his feet. With a smile and hardly able to hold back his laughter, he announced: ‘For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365 ‘Shall We Gather at the River?’
See you at the river, dear Friends. * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth’s atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a sense of humour and nothing gives them greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest of life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world does so for good and wise reasons and therefore is right.’
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:
Back in a minute – Godot
(Dept. of English, Columbia University, N.Y.)
* * *
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | What happened? I thought the last post said "Interesting... Tell me more!" Then it wound up here! Musta been a digital wormhole... Well, Hyuna couldn't get arrested with her band 4Minute until she came in to do the video for Gangnam with Psy, an' Beiber's Producer picked 'em up and pumped their stuff. A couple BEEEEELION! hits later and the rest is history... As for all the other stuff, I am waiting on Hurricane Karen to go south. Maybe I should deke over to Arcata on my way to Vegas, although imagine it may snow by the time I am down there. I may not make it out of Vegas though because some crazy Native girls there think I am the Second Coming of Led Zeppelin... You Knoow, Oh, Oh. /HousesOfTheHoly I just gotta put Going To California in the setlist! I'm also workin' with Steph on this old Chestnut...
Edited by alpha+omega 10/5/2013 2:46 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Another one from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:
Be alert.
Your country needs lerts.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Love your posts too Alpha Omega ... and we share an appreciation of Zed Leppelin
Great archive video of the vastly underrated Lady Gaga
Yeah, we must be all disappearing down that digital wormhole. Not sure where we will wind up | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘The person who said: ‘Nothing is impossible!’ never tried to slam a revolving door.’ Anon.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘One trouble with growing older is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn’t amount to much when he was your age.’ Bill Vaughan
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | From ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:
‘God is dead!’ Nietzsche
Someone scrawled underneath:
‘Nietzsche is dead!’ God
‘God is not dead, but alive and well,
And working on a much less ambitious project.’
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | ‘God is dead!’ Nietzsche
'Me first', God | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | 'Me first!' main motivation of unevolved Aries types. Thinking of themselves as God, which all of us really are, but it takes a long time for earthlings to understand the true meaning of this. With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Oh dear ... should I say 'ouch' ??!!
Although said in jest, my comment came more from the sense of self-sacrifice rather than Wall Street ... ie, if anyone is going to die, God is there willing to 'be first' to take the bullet ...
God empties her or himself in the process of manifestation (so might be thought of as dead; though I am not sure that is what Nietsche meant).
God is not dead s/he just needs us to do what s/he cannot readily do any more as a result of that process of manifestation. Miracles only ever rely on us; we are the angels...
Though occasionally if we are sufficiently 'whole', or 'holy', never say never
Not much Aries in my chart anyway as it happens, or so I thought.
Edited by Paul Joseph 12/6/2013 6:28 PM
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | Well, I signed the petition launched by David Suzuki. At least somebody is finally taking something seriously... http://www.avaaz.org/en/petition/We_demand_that_every_single_nations_leader_make_a_public_statement_and_clear_assessment_and_on_the_Fukushima_crisis/?cjKHBgb Likewise, this last interview with Carl Sagan also was prescient...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iyFw8UF85A#t=87 Other than that, I can crawl back under this rock here...
Edited by alpha+omega 12/16/2013 6:47 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Eating In The UK In The 1950s
Pasta had yet to be invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding and never part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves that never were green.
Coffee was Camp and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India .
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
Kebab was unknown as a word or as food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was considered to be white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin. One only ever saw a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap. Had someone suggested bottling it and charging more for it than for petrol, we would have laughed.
The one thing that we never had on our table in the fifties was elbows!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Where Is Paradise And Where Is Hell?
Paradise is where:
Chefs are Italians,
Mechanics – German,
Police – English,
Lovers – French,
And the organisers – Swiss.
Hell is where:
Chefs are English,
Mechanics – French,
Police – German,
Lovers – Swiss,
And the organisers – Italian.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Wives And Their Husbands
A number of women were attending a seminar for the healing of their relationship with their husbands. Their first lesson consisted of trying to salvage something from the wreckage of the romance that once existed between the partners. When the instructor asked: ‘How many of you love your husband?’ All the women raised their hands. The next question was: ‘When was the last time you told your husband that you love him?’ Some of the women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn’t remember when they did.
Then the women were told to send a text to their husbands containing something like: ‘I love you, my dearest.’
Here are some replies:
- Who the hell is this?
- Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
- Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you?
- What now? Did you crash the car again?
- I don't understand what you mean?
- What the hell did you do now?
- ?!?
- Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
- Am I dreaming?
- If you don't tell me who this message is for, someone will die.
- I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
- Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Recommended Reading:
* * * | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Frozen Windows
One cold winter’s morning a wife at home texts her husband in the office: ‘Windows frozen, won’t open.’
Husband replies: ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.’
Wife texts back five minutes later: ‘Computer now really screwed up.’
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 1/31/2014 6:35 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Haircut
One day a florist went to his barber to have his hair cut. When it was done, the florist asked about his bill, and the barber replied: ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ Very pleased, the florist left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, he found a ‘Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him on the doorstep of his shop.
During that day, a policeman called for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber’s reply again was: ‘I cannot accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.’ Happily the policeman went on his way. The next morning the barber found a ‘Thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting to greet him.
Later that day, a politician came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber told him too: ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ Delightedly the politician left the shop. The next morning, when the barber arrived to open his shop, to this astonishment a dozen politicians were queuing for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of the countries of our world and the politicians who are running them. That’s why politicians and nappies need to be changed frequently – for the same reason.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.’ Anon.
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Might I tweak the joke please Aqua?
My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I know that I am
Edited by Paul Joseph 2/15/2014 3:07 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How's that for a touch of honesty for you? | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Well we are not divorced ... | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Not yet or will you never be?
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Well who knows what the future brings
But I thought this thread was about jokes ...
And for myself, I certainly do not feel that I am God: nothing could be further my personal imagination about myself
Not least because, if God exists, I have the strongest of suspicions she actually is female ....
Well Alanis Morisette did a very good job of playing her in that film whose name I cannot remember ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgpT5rEKIU
Edited by Paul Joseph 2/19/2014 2:57 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Well, Paul, I did think you were joking when you said you were God. Having said that . . . to be serious for a moment, we are lyoung God's in the making, of that I am sure. And to me, God is masculine and feminine, God and Goddess all in one. The same duality that also exists in us - as above, so below. With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Thanks Aqua
Yes, I agree, agree for the most part except (sorry cannot let go of the Libra casuistry....) ... my take on it is that we are here as angels in the making, and we can be angels here, though it is harder to be God here, for a number of reasons, [questions on a postcard please!!] ...
... so my ontological existential refleection, though I could never tell my Business dissertation students this is, we are here to become angels, and in that process of becoming, we kindle the spark of God
..........and as God cannot only dwell in a spark, and a spark kindles the flame, so we can flare into the totality of the Divine ...
So, the impossible we can do today, miracles take a little longer
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Spot Of Entertainment
A man walks into a bar, leading a dog and a lizard. The two animals perform a great musical act, the dog playing the piano and the lizard singing. When they finish, the proprietor takes the man aside and raves about the performance, saying that there’s a great deal of money to be made from this kind of thing. The man replies that this is not so because the act is a complete fraud. The proprietor asks why and the man replies: ‘The lizard can’t sing a note. It’s just that the dog is a ventriloquist.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,
takes your money and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free,
you either married it or gave birth to it.
I came . . . I saw , , , I gave up!
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 3/8/2014 6:20 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Grandpa’s New I-Pad
An example of what happens when the young ones make gifts
of technology to the older generation. Here a daughter is visiting her father.
She asks: ‘Tell me dad, how are you getting on with the new i-Pad
we gave you for your birthday?’
It’s in German, but no subtitles are needed:
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 3/9/2014 3:24 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Exam Papers
General Educational Development (GED) tests are a group of five subject tests which, when passed, certify that the test taker has American or Canadian high school-level academic skills. The following questions were set in last year’s examination. The following are some of the answers that were actually given by pupils from the age of sixteen years:
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised, for example The abdomen?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q... Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature of it?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Sat Nav
In The Style Of Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
‘It’s sixty miles an hour’, it says, ‘You’re doing sixty five’.
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish at times that I could turn the darned thing off.
Author Unknown
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 3/31/2014 6:13 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How about a genuine Pam Ayres poem now?
I suspect that someone wrote ‘The Sat Nav’ in response
to Pam’s ode to her husband that came into being many years ago:
They Should Have Asked My Husband
This world is complicated, imperfect, and oppressed,
And it’s not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed.
It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow;
People want solutions, but they don’t know where to go.
Opinions abound, but who is wrong and who is right?
People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light;
Someone they can turn to, as the crises rage and swirl;
Someone with the remedy, the wisdom and the pearl.
Well, they should have asked my husband!
He’d have told them, then and there,
His thoughts on emigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair,
The future of the monarchy, house prices in the South,
The wait for hip replacements, BSE, and foot and mouth.
Yes, they should have asked my husband!
He can sort out any mess;
He can rejuvenate the railways, and cure the NHS.
So, any little niggle, anything you want to know,
Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go!
Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs,
The damage to the ozone layer, refugees, and drugs?
These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke,
But present it to my husband; he’ll solve it, at a stroke!
He’ll clarify the situation, he will make it crystal clear.
You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs
And the bending of your ear.
Corruption at the top? He’s an authority on that,
And the Maffia, Gadhaffia, and Yassa Arafat.
Upon these areas, he brings his intellect to shine,
In a great, compelling voice
That’s twice as loud as yours or mine.
I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong,
Infallible, articulate, self-confident, and wrong.
When it comes to tolerance, he hasn’t got a lot:
Joy-riders should be guillotined,
And muggers ought to be shot!
The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears,
And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears.
My friends don’t call so often;
They have busy lives, I know,
And it’s not every day one wants to hear
A windbag suck and blow.
Encyclopaedias? On them, we never have to call.
Why clutter up the bookshelf, when my husband knows it all?
Pam Ayres
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | This whole thread, "Dont take it all too seriously" has had me bothered for a long time ...
I think we need to take this whole question of the Purpose of Being and the Meaning of Life very seriously: every moment of every day of every micro-second
Not to say there is not humour, and joy, in a nano second of Being, but overall, we, none of us, grasp and live with the total seriousness of
This | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Sorry, dearest Paul, if I ever created the impression that I do not do exactly that. But in my view we also need something to have a good laugh or at least a chuckle about from time to time. With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Yeah you are probably right Aqua; it's just those Nike spammers I worry about who read it and think this is a place to undermine ... sorry to be so sensitive ... | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Paul - the following is a message that must have been written with you in mind:
White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth’s atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a sense of humour and nothing gives us greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest for life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world does so for good and wise reasons and therefore is right.’ With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 4/20/2014 1:01 PM
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Thanks for thinking of me Aquarius, and for the guidance too | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | My pleasure, dear Paul.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Geriatric Traffic Jam
In this video you can watch some younger drivers getting frustrated when they encounter a Geriatric Traffic Jam. The old folks are trying to cross the road in an orderly fashion to get to a corner store only to discover that it’s closed.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Proof-Reading – A Dying Art
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Found in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune the other day. San Gabriel is one of the principal valleys of Southern California/ When someone called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote the above headline, it took the editor two or three readings before he realised that what he was reading was impossible. A correction was published the next day that read as follows:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* * *
Here is a collection of headline gems that appeared in various other papers:
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* * *
Panda Mating Fails
Veterinarian Takes Over
* * *
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* * *
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* * *
War Dims Hope for Peace
* * *
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
* * *
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* * *
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain
Police Suspect Homicide
* * *
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* * *
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
* * *
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* * *
Children Make Nutritious Snacks
* * *
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* * *
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
* * *
The winner is:
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery. Hundreds Dead
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The French Towel Dance
In a routine reminiscent of The Greatest Show on Legs' Balloon Dance, an act called Les Beaux Frères recently delighted the crowd on a French TV show called 'Le Plus Grand Cabaret Du Monde'. As the host puts it: it's one act where you're actually hoping for them to make a mistake.
So, take it away, boys – though not literally!
Please click the link below for:
* * *
| |
| | |
Forum Administrator
Posts: 174
| LOL ... love it! | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Thought you might. Just a bit naughty and very French,don't you think? With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘The most cruel lies are often told in silence.’ Robert L. Stevenson
‘The deeper the sorrow, the less tongue it hath.’ The Talmud
‘Sports do not build character; they reveal it.’ Heywood Broun
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A New Way Of Apple Peeling
To find out how it’s done, please follow the link below:
Apple Peeling The New Way
I wonder whether this method will catch on.
Somehow, I don’t think so.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘There are three types of people in our world – those who can count and those who can’t.’ Anon.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Here’s another video to put a smile on your face, hopefully.
All In A Day’s Work
To see a few of the things that happen to some men when they are at work,
please follow the link below:
‘Men At Work’
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
Forum Administrator
Posts: 174
| Ouch! Perhaps we should pray for more women to replace these "men at work!"
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How about the fellers getting their act together? Mind you, that would probably not be half as much fun to watch on a video, would it? With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.’ Anon.
| |
| | |
Forum Administrator
Posts: 462
| Dear Aquarius
That last one is very good and a great reassurance when everything seems to be going in the opposite direction ...
Blessings
O | |
| | |
UMS Student
Location: Bellingham |
Reassurance, reassurance, I need insurance!
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.’ Anon.
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Chair
After having dealt for the whole of a semester with a broad array of topics, an eccentric philosophy professor decided to give his pupils one more task as a final exam, to establish how much of his lectures they had really understood. The class was still seated but ready to go, when the professor picked up his chair, put it on his desk and wrote on the board: ‘Using everything you have learned this semester, show me that this chair does not exist.’
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over thirty pages in one hour trying to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class, however, had finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the students received their grades, the rest of the group wondered how that person could have got an A barely having written anything. The professor revealed that the answer had been: ‘What chair?’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Ophiucus - 7/19/2014 10:45 AM Dear Aquarius That last one is very good and a great reassurance when everything seems to be going in the opposite direction ... Blessings O ‘Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.’ Albert Einstein Ah well, you see... With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Barbecue
Now that it is summer in the Northern hemisphere and we are in the midst of the barbecue season, here is a refresher course on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. It’s the only type of food preparation a ‘real’ man will do, probably because it involves an element of danger. When he volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Routine:
- The woman buys the food.
- She makes the salad and the dessert and prepares the vegetables.
- She prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with a beer in his hand.
The first really important part:
- The man places the meat on the grill.
More routine:
- The woman goes inside to organise plates and cutlery.
- She returns to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks her to bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
More routine:
- Having prepared the eating utensils, the woman attends to salads, bread, sauces and napkins and brings them to the table.
- After eating, she clears the table and washes the dishes.
And now comes most vital and glorious moment of all:
- Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his wonderful cooking.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off’. Noticing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Calling All Cat Lovers
Today, as a special surprise, I have for you
A delightful collection of funny moments with cats.
To enjoy them, please click on the words below:
‘Funny Moments With Cats’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Spelling Reform Of The English Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, the other language under discussion. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had a great deal of room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’.. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Modern Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: ‘Sweet Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.’
That night, while enjoying a repast of lightly sautéed frog’s legs, the princess chuckled to herself and thought: ‘I don’t bloomin’ well think so!’
From ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’
By Allison Pearson
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Dad’s Response
My dad is sixty-six and the other day I took him shopping for some new shoes. But before hurling ourselves into the fray, we decided to have something to eat first. He was sitting next to a teenager and I noticed how he was watching her. The youngster had spiked hair in different colours – green, red, orange, and blue and my dad kept staring at her. From time to time she looked back and each time she did, my dad was still staring at her. Finally, she’d had enough. Turning to him, she asked: ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food to make sure I would not choke on his response. I knew it would be a good one. Sure enough, he responded in his own inimitable style without batting an eyelid: ‘Yeah, I got stoned once and made love to a parrot. Just wondering whether you are my daughter.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Notes Left In Milk Bottles
From the days when there was still door-to-door milk delivery
After reading these it’s not hard to see why this service had to die a natural death.
Dear Mister Milkman,
- I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
- Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
- Cancel one pint after the day after today.
- Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
- Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
- Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
- Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
- Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
- Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
- When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand with turning the mattress.
- Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
- My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
- Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
- Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
- Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
- From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
- My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
- Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, as I wrote this note yesterday.
- When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let the dog out and put the newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
- No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Olympic Games In London
It’s the year 2012 and the Olympic Games in London are in full swing. One fine day, three friends by the name of Smith, Brown and Jones are dying to get into the stadium, in spite of the fact that they have no money for tickets.
Refusing to be stuck for a solution, Smith picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm, walks to the gate and says: ‘Smith, United Kingdom, discus.’ The man at the checkpoint waves him in.
Brown picks up a clothes prop, slings it over his shoulder, marches to the gate and says: ‘Brown, United Kingdom, pole vaulting.’ He too walks in.
‘Ah,’ Jones thinks to himself. Looking around, he spots a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, tucks it under his arm, walks up to the gate and says: ‘Jones, United Kingdom, fencing.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Trip To Rome
A woman was getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?’
‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’
‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. Where will you be staying in Rome?’
‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’
‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.’
‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.’
‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’
A month later, the woman came for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . ‘It was wonderful,’ she explained, ‘not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they moved us into first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome twenty-eight year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They’d just finished a five million dollar remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!’
‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.’
‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because on a tour through the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and told me the Pope would like to meet some of the visitors. If I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, he walked in and shook my hand! As I knelt down, he just spoke a few words to me.’
‘Oh, really! What did he say?’
‘After blessing me he said: ‘Who messed up your hair like this?’’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Understanding Engineers
1)
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said: ‘Where did you get such a great bike?’
The other one replied: ‘Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman came riding on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: ‘Take what you want.’
Nodding approvingly, the first student responded with: ‘Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.’
2)
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3)
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed: ‘What’s the matter with those chaps? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’
The doctor chimed in: ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept players!’
The priest remarked: ‘Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’ And turning to him, he said: ‘Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’
‘Oh, yes,’ the green-keeper replied. ‘That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play free of charge at any time.’
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said: ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’
The doctor said: ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’
And the engineer added to that: ‘Why don’t they play at night?’
4)
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Sad, but true!
5)
A graduate with a science degree asks: ‘Why does it work?’
A person with an engineering degree asks: ‘How does it work?’
Yet another one who has an accounting degree asks: ‘How much does it cost?’
And a graduate with an arts degree may want to know: ‘Do you want fries with that?’
6)
Three engineering students were discussing who might have designed the human body. The first one said: ‘It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.’
The second one replied: ‘No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.’
‘Ah,’ the third one suggested after a moment’s pause: ‘I think it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?’
7)
Ordinary folks think that if something isn’t broken one doesn’t fix it.
Engineers, however, believe that if something isn’t broken, it may not yet have enough features.
Eight)
One day an engineer was crossing a road, when a frog called out to him: ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.’
Bending over, the man picked up the frog and without saying a word put it in his pocket. The frog cried: ‘If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.’
The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked the frog. I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’
‘Look here,’ replied the man, ‘I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that’s really cool. I’m going to keep you.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Getting On A Bit
Have you ever heard of AAADD
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
Everybody over 50 is at risk
And this is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I catch a glimpse of my car and decide it’s in need of washing.
Walking towards the garage, I notice the mail that I collected from the letterbox earlier on the table near the front door.
I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that it is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
When I take my cheque book off the table, I notice that only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go there and find a can of Coke I had been drinking earlier.
Searching for my new chequebook, I push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. Because it feels warm, I take it to the fridge in the kitchen.
Heading towards the kitchen with my Coke, I notice a vase of flowers in need of topping up with water on the worktop.
So, I put the Coke down and, to my delight, find my reading glasses which I’ve been searching for all morning. Thinking to myself: ‘I better put them back on my desk,’ but then decide to first give my flowers some water.
Leaving the glasses on the worktop, I am about to fill a container with water when I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I’ll be looking for it high and low and I shall never remember where I left it. So, I better put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
Whilst topping up the flower vase, but quite a bit of water splashes onto the floor. So, I put the remote control back on the table, get some kitchen towel and wipe up the spill.
After that, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place. At the end of the day I find that the car hasn’t been cleaned, the bills are still unpaid, a can of warm Coke is sitting on the kitchen worktop, the flowers still don’t have enough water and only one cheque is in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote control and the glasses and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did with the car keys.
Exhausted, I flop into a chair and I try to figure out why nothing got done today. This really baffles me because I know I have been very busy all day.
Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you – yet!
As my dear old dad used to say:
‘What’s blossoming in one is budding in another.’
Your time for the onset of AAADD may be closer than you think.
‘Growing older is mandatory,
growing up is optional and
laughing at ourselves is therapeutic.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Typewriter
Leroy Anderson, 1908-1975, was an American composer of Swedish descent. He wrote short and light concert pieces, many of which were introduced by the Boston Pops Orchestra under the direction of Arthur Fiedler. As with all his other compositions, Leroy Anderson wrote ‘The Typewriter’ to be performed by an orchestra. The work was completed October 9, 1950.
This particular orchestration was presented to the public in a concert on June 12, 2011 by members of the National Orchestra and Chorus of Spain in Madrid. The soloist on the typewriter is Alfredo Anaya.
It’s the funniest video that has come my way for quite a while.
Please follow the link below:
‘The Typewriter’
Enjoy!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Alligators In The Pool
A CEO, Chief Executive Officer, is throwing a party and takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion, at the back of which is the largest swimming pool his visitors have ever seen. To their amazement, it is filled with hungry looking alligators.
The host says to his guests: ‘In my view, executives should be measured by the degree of their courage. That’s what once made me into a CEO. My challenge is if any one of you has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators and make it to the other side, I will give them anything they desire – my job, my money, my house, anything!’
Everyone laughs at this outrageous offer and follows the CEO on the tour of his estate. Suddenly, a loud splash can be heard. Everyone turns round and sees the CFO, the Chief Financial Officer, in the pool. Swimming for his life, he dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool. Just as he is pulling himself out of the water, one of the creatures snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says: ‘You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and you may now have anything I own. Tell me what I can do for you and it will be done.’
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says: ‘Just one thing, that’s all. Tell me who the hell pushed me into the pool.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Do You Think A Gallon Of Petrol Is Too Expensive?
To put things into perspective, compare it with the following:
Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 £10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 £9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 £10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 £33.60 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 £178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 £123.20 per gallon
Tippex 7oz £1.39 £5.42 per gallon
Best of all:
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 is £21.19 per gallon
£21.19 for nothing but water and the buyers don’t even know the source.
By the way, did you realise that Evian read backwards means naïve?
There’s no need to compare the price of petrol with that of perfume or aftershave.
Have you ever wondered why some computer printers are so cheap?
To make you become hooked on the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at the staggering price of £5,200 per gallon.
So, next time you are filling up, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, the Heavens forbid, printer ink.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Zebra
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the complaint: ‘Doctor, I think I’m going crazy. I keep imagining I am a zebra. Each time I look at myself in the mirror I see my entire body covered with black stripes.’
‘Calm down. You are not a zebra,’ the doctor reassures the man. Go home, take these pills and get a good night’s rest. I’m sure the black stripes will disappear.’
The man does as he is told, but the next day he is back. ‘Doctor,’ he says, ‘the black stripes have disappeared. I feel great! Now, have you anything for the white stripes?’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Soccer Match
Two long-time friends who loved playing soccer made a pact in their younger days. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the one left behind with information as to whether soccer was played in the world of spirit. Both adored the game so much that they looked forward to continue playing it after leaving the Earth plane.
When the first of them had passed on, the other one waited to see if his deceased friend would find a way of contacting him. Then one day, to his surprise, he received a message that his friend had some good and some bad news for him. ‘The good news is,’ his friend said, ‘that we do play soccer here and the bad news is that tomorrow you will be our goal keeper.’ * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom |
Christmas In Our Time
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir.
We will lend a coat of fur.
We will rock you, rock you, rock you.
We will rock you, rock you, rock you.
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
* * *
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow,
In a one horse open sleigh,
O’er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way.
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
* * *
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.
The union of Shepherd’s has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
* * *
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road.
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load.
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
* * *
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
* * *
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place. Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Facts About Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually in late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to the historical presentations of Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Donner and Blitzen, could only be a female. They alone would be willing and able to drag a fat old man in a red velvet suit round our whole world in one night without getting lost.
Santa Claus’s reindeer form the team of flying reindeer that pull the sleigh of Santa Claus and help him deliver Christmas gifts. The names of the reindeer are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. The last two names are the German words for Thunder and Lightning. The names are based on those used in the 1823 poem ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’, commonly called ‘The Night Before Christmas’, the origin of the reindeer’s popularity as Christmas symbols.
Merry Christmas to you all.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Speedy Nag
A woman visited a psychiatrist and begged: ‘You’ve got to help me, Doctor. My husband thinks he’s a racehorse. He neighs, sleeps on straw and even eats grain!’
‘That surely is a new one,’ responded the psychiatrist, stifling a snicker. ‘Nonetheless, I should be able to help him, but I have to warn you – it’s going to be very costly!’
‘Oh, money isn’t an issue,’ replied the wife. ‘He’s already won two races.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Spanish Lesson
A teacher of the Spanish language was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are either masculine or feminine. She explained as follows:
House is ‘la casa’ and feminine,
Pencil is ‘el lapiz’ and therefore masculine.
One of her students asked: ‘What gender is computer?’
Instead of supplying them with the answer, the teacher first split her class into two groups, one male and the other female. Then she asked her pupils to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group had to give four reasons for its decision.
The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender, ‘la computadora’, because:
1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to men.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories.
Wait for it – it gets better!
The women’s group decided that computer should be a masculine word, el computador, for the following reasons:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you have committed yourself to one of them, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | E-Mail Addresses
An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife planned to join him two days later.
The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and sent it without realising his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. Expecting messages from relatives and friends, the lady decided to check her emails. When she read the first one, she screamed and fainted. When her son rushed into the room and saw his mother on the floor, he found the following e-mail on the computer screen:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I have arrived!
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I have made sure that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear. Your ever loving husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.
Please do not use the cursor to help you.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass the above three tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations!
Eonvrye who can raed this rsaie your hnad.
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too.
Can you raed this? Apparently olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae . The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Jewish Humour
A new flood is foretold. In five days the rain will be incessant and our world wiped out.
The Dalai Lama in an interview asks all Buddhists to prepare for their next reincarnation.
The Pope holds an audience and advises all Catholics to confess their sins and pray.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel on TV announces: ‘Friends, we have five days to learn how to live under water.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Jeff Foxworthy On New Englanders
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.
If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you live in New England.
If you’ve ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you live in New England.
‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day, and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know the four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
‘Down South’ to you means Philadelphia.
Your neighbour throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly.’
P.S. For Non-Americans: Jeffrey Marshall Foxworthy (born September 6, 1958) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television and radio personality, author and voice artist.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Changing A Light Bulb
Ah yes! But how does one do this on a 1500 feet TV Tower?
It’s easy when you know how to – and have the nerve to do it!
Please follow the link below:
‘Changing A Light Bulb’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Fire Fighting
A fire is raging at a chemical plant in northern Wisconsin. Since the location is so rural, the local town fire department begins to call for back up from the surrounding area. Hundreds of volunteers show up alongside fire departments from neighbouring towns and counties, as well as the rural and forest fire departments. As they are dousing the fire as best they can, it breaks into the storerooms of the company’s volatile chemicals and roars out of control.
The owner, looking on in desperation, declares that any fire department that can go in and save his family’s formulas in the middle of the plant, will be given half a million dollars as a reward. The fire-fighters, already weary from struggling with the blaze, begin with renewed vigour, but to no avail, the fire responds by making one side of the plant collapse.
Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, appears an old fire engine from the 1940’s. Its bell is ringing wildly out of control and the truck’s driver does not seem to cope much better with navigating the road. The truck is loaded with a crew of retired volunteers from a small town up the road. All have a stone hard determination etched on their faces, as the driver ploughs onward to his destination and smashes the truck through a barricade and from there and through a wall, which sends the truck into the middle of the inferno.
The owner of the plant watches in awe as the veteran fire-fighters jump out of their truck, get into their suits and begin fighting the fire from inside the plant. The rest of the fire-fighters outside, inspired by the bravery of these haughty old veterans, begin to fight the fire with a renewed vigour. They don’t want the money any longer, but wish to do their best to help the heroes inside.
After some hours the fire is finally contained and begins to die down. As the retired veterans stumble out of the wreckage of the plant, the excited owner of the plant comes running up to them with all the remaining fire-fighters behind him. They all want to meet these brave men. The owner gives a check to the most grizzled of them who comes hobbling out of the plant first. ‘That was the most courageous things I’ve ever seen! You’ve saved my families legacy. I cannot thank you enough, so please take this!’ He hands the cheque over and the recipient, still somewhat dazed from his ordeal, nods and starts to walk away with the rest of his men. As everybody is watching them walk off into the distance, the owner calls after them: ‘What will you do with the money?’
The leader of the veterans, with a hard look of determination in his eyes replies: ‘Well, first thing we’re going to do is get those darned brakes fixed on the truck!’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Revolutionary Song
I could have done it yesterday, if I hadn’t had a cold,
But since I’ve put this pint away, I’ve never felt so bold.
So, as soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, the revolution starts.
I’ll shoot the aristocracy and confiscate their brass,
Create a fine democracy that’s truly working class.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, I’ll raise the banner high.
I’ll fight the nasty racialists and scrap the colour bar,
And all fascist dictatorships and every commissar.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, I’ll man the barricades.
So raise your glasses, everyone, for everything is planned,
And each and every mother’s son will see the Promised Land.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes . . .
I think I’m going to be sick.
Alex Glasgow
‘The Revolutionary Song’
Enjoy!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Tap On The Shoulder
A passenger in the backseat of a taxi wanted to ask his driver a question. Leaning forward, he tapped the man behind the wheel on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over a curb and stopped only inches away from a large plate glass window.
For a moment there was silence in the cab, but then the still shaking driver gathered his wits and said: ‘I’m very sorry about this, but you scared the living daylights out of me.’
The frightened passenger apologised profusely and said he had not realised that a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten anyone so much. ‘Ah,’ replied the driver, ‘it’s me who needs to apologise. The whole thing is entirely my fault. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last twenty-five years. Today is my first day as a taxi driver.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Slippery Customer
A video about a squirrel trying to raid a bird feeding box,
but …
See for yourself by following the link below:
‘Slippery Customer’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | I Am Thirsty!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: ‘Da-ad.’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, you had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad.’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later: ‘Daaaa-aaaad.’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Sick Note
Dear Sir
I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today
While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.
Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.
So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below
Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.
Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.
The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
‘The Sick Note’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Pregnancy Questions And Answers
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, immediately after it finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method of determining a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that her behaviour sometimes borders on the irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’m going to feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: When you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act something like normal again?
A: When your children have gone to college.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | From The Police Report
A policeman calls the station on his radio: ‘Hello, is that you Sarge?’
‘Yes?’
‘We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.’
‘Have you arrested the woman?’
‘No sir. The floor is still wet.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Badge
A US Drug Enforcement Administration Officer one day stopped at our farm and told me: ‘I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.’
‘Okay,’ I replied, ‘but don’t go in that field over there.’
Exploding with rage, the Officer replied: ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!’ Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he brought out his badge and with a growl shoved it into my face: ‘See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’
Nodding politely, I apologised and went about my chores. It didn’t take long until I heard a loud scream. When I looked up I saw that the Officer was chased by my big old mean bull. He was running for his life, but with every step the bull was gaining ground and it was very likely that the man would get gored before he could reach safety. He looked so terrified that I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my voice: ‘Your badge, show him the badge!’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Fun With Languages
Isn’t English a crazy language? Let me illustrate this with a few examples. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And, by the way, why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’? There also is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP! And now it’s UP to you what you do with this.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Public Transport With A Difference
I bet you have never travelled like this!
Please follow the link below:
‘Public Transport In Russia’
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Wow I think this last post is so gender-centric .... as a man I might as well go and slit my wrists now ..... apologies for being whom or what I am
Edited by Paul Joseph 5/10/2015 3:07 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Seeing that it affects you in this way, I have deleted it. With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 5/11/2015 10:47 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Maxine Asks
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
And why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they know you are broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the Universe you believe them, but why, when someone tells you there is wet paint somewhere, do you have to touch it to check?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘s’ into the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a piece of string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, all of a sudden reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do dead bugs get into the enclosed light fittings?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four people suffers from some kind of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, it must be you.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Oh, Bubbles!
I’m forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air
They fly so high, nearly reach the sky
Then like my dreams they fade and die
Fortune’s always hiding
I’ve looked everywhere
I’m forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air
Please follow the video link below:
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Has anyone encountered this yet?
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oHBG3ABUJU
Edited by Paul Joseph 5/23/2015 2:17 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Oh yes, Paul, I have. See the following posting. With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | When You’re Getting On A Bit
Ever heard of AAADD
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
Everybody over 50 is at risk
and this is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I catch a glimpse of my car and decide it’s in need of washing.
Walking towards the garage, I notice the mail that I collected from the letterbox earlier on the table near the front door.
I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that it is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
When I take my cheque book off the table, I notice that only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go there and find a can of Coke I had been drinking earlier.
Searching for my new chequebook, I push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. Because it feels warm, I take it to the fridge in the kitchen.
Heading towards the kitchen with my Coke, I notice a vase of flowers in need of topping up with water on the worktop.
So, I put the Coke down and, to my delight, find my reading glasses which I’ve been searching for all morning. Thinking to myself: ‘I better put them back on my desk,’ but then decide to first give my flowers some water.
Leaving the glasses on the worktop, I am about to fill a container with water when I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I’ll be looking for it high and low and I shall never remember where I left it. So, I better put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
Whilst topping up the flower vase, but quite a bit of water splashes onto the floor. So, I put the remote control back on the table, get some kitchen towel and wipe up the spill.
After that, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place. At the end of the day I find that the car hasn’t been cleaned, the bills are still unpaid, a can of warm Coke is sitting on the kitchen worktop, the flowers still don’t have enough water and only one cheque is in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote control and the glasses and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did with the car keys.
Exhausted, I flop into a chair and I try to figure out why nothing got done today. This really baffles me because I know I have been very busy all day.
Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you – yet!
As my dear old dad used to say:
‘What’s blossoming in one is budding in another.’
Your time for the onset of AAADD may be closer than you think.
‘Growing older is mandatory,
growing up is optional and
laughing at ourselves is therapeutic.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Today I have something extra special for all those who enjoy travelling and exploring other countries and their customs.
It is a video that is neither funny nor suitable for any other thread,
so I have decided to share it with you here:
To Russia With Love
A Journey On The Zarengold – Gold Of The Tsars – Train
Of The Trans-Siberian Railways
It is a video that lasts thirty-five minutes
and takes us in style and splendour
through landscapes of breath-taking beauty.
If that sounds good to you,
Please follow the link below:
‘The Journey’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Letter To The Bank Manager
This letter really was written and sent by an eighty-six year old lady to her bank manager, who found it so amusing that he sent it to the Times Newspaper.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by a cheque that is addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you will have to nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Contact, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order for me to know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure. The mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
Immediately After Dialling, Press The Star (*) Button For English
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. This password will be sent to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact person.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.
P.S. Remember not to make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to cheese us off entirely.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Soft words butter no parsnips
And they won’t harden the heart of a cabbage either.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
Irish Proverbs
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Great Outdoors
Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping to get away from it all. In the middle of the night Sherlock woke Watson and asked him: ‘What do you see?’ Watson replied: ‘Why, I see stars – millions of them!’ ‘Hm,’ said Holmes. ‘And what does that tell you?’ ‘Well,’ came the reply, ‘astronomically, I see millions of stars, and the possibility that there are billions more of them in other galaxies. Theologically, I see that God is great and manifests magnificently in his Creation. Meteorologically, I see that the weather tomorrow will be clear and fine. But what do you see, Holmes?’
After a moment’s pause, Sherlock replied: ‘Elementary, my dear Watson! Someone has stolen our tent.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Graffiti
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* * *
Make love not war.
See driver for details.
(On the back of a van)
* * *
Back in a minute – Godot
(Dept. of English, Columbia University, N.Y.)
* * *
Einstein rules relatively, okay.
* * *
Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
* * *
We are the writing on your wall.
* * *
Join the Army!
Meet interesting people and kill them.
* * *
Be alert.
Your country needs lerts.
* * *
100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.
* * *
Do not adjust your mind!
There is a fault in reality.
* * *
‘God is dead!’ Nietzsche
Someone scrawled underneath:
‘Nietzsche is dead!’ God
Beneath that, another person wrote:
‘God is not dead, but alive and well,
And working on a much less ambitious project.’
* * *
To do is to be. Rousseau
To be is to do. Sartre
Dobedobedo. Sinatra
From ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man runs up to a stranger and out of breath asks him: ‘Have you seen any police round here?’
‘Police round here, mate? You having a laugh?’ replies the other one.
‘Oh, good! Stick 'em up!’ says the first man.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Importance Of Drinking Water In Old Age
A reporter asked 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: ‘Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?’
Hattie replied:
For better digestion I drink beer.
In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine.
For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine.
In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch.
And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.
Reporter: When do you drink water?
Hattie: I’ve never been that sick!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Be Careful What You Ask For!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day, while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to become aware of the kind of things he had to endure and so one fine day he prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I go to work every day and put in eight hours of toil, while my wife merely stays at home. I don’t think that’s fair. I want her to get to know my lot in life. How about swopping our roles just for a day, so she does my work and I do hers?’
The Universe, in Its infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. And so the next morning he woke up as a woman. Immensely pleased with himself, he got up and prepared breakfast for his family. Then he raised the children from their slumbers and set out their school clothes. Having breakfasted with them, he packed their lunches and drove them to school. Upon returning home he picked up the dry cleaning and took it to the cleaners, stopping at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went to the supermarket to shop for groceries and drove home to put them away. After that he paid some bills, without forgetting to balance the check book.
After that he cleaned the cat’s litter tray and bathed the dog. As it was already one p.m., it was time for making the beds. After that came the laundry, dusting and vacuuming. Then he swept and mopped the kitchen floor. Oh dear! Time for picking the children up from school. On their way home they got into an argument with him. When they got home, he gave them some milk and biscuits and then supervised their homework.
After all that, he set up the ironing board and watched TV whilst he was ironing. At 4.30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables to make some salad. He breaded the pork chops he had bought and prepared fresh beans to accompany them. Having partaken in their evening meal, he cleaned the kitchen and got the dishwasher going, folded laundry, bathed the children and put them to bed.
By 9 p.m. he was so exhausted that, in spite of the fact that his daily chores were by no means finished, he went to bed. Instead of being allowed to go to sleep and get the rest he needed and had deserved, he was expected to make love. To his own amazement, he managed to get through it without complaint.
Upon waking the next morning, he immediately went down on his knees by the side of his bed and prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay at home. Please, oh please, will you let me be a man again? Amen!’
The Universal Force, in Its infinite wisdom, replied: ‘My dearest child of the Earth, I can see that you have learnt your lesson and I would be happy enough to change things back to the way they were, but you’ll have to wait nine months because you got pregnant last night.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | ‘And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.’ Friedrich Nietzsche | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Hi Aquarius
Is that the same Nietzsche who is quoted as declaring 'God is dead' in your graffiti post above?
Just wondering about the connections, if any ...
Mazel Tov
Paul | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | But, Hattie may have been a bit confused just the same......I'd sure love to know where in the USA Feague, Kentucky is........it doesn't seem to be in Kentucky Kentucky.......maybe it's in Berzerkly, California Kentucky where lots of strange things happen..... Martin and LuckyLee (from the Catskills, New York which is in the USA somewhere north of the Mason Dixon Line which is the last defense should the Maginot line fail---- VIVE LA FRANCE!
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Paul Joseph - 7/8/2015 9:25 PM Hi Aquarius Is that the same Nietzsche who is quoted as declaring 'God is dead' in your graffiti post above? Just wondering about the connections, if any ... Mazel Tov Paul Yes, it is the same Nietzsche. 'God is dead' in the Graffiti is but a joke. Here is the full quote: ‘God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become Gods simply to appear worthy of it?’ Nietzsche With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | mruppert - 7/9/2015 1:03 AM But, Hattie may have been a bit confused just the same......I'd sure love to know where in the USA Feague, Kentucky is........it doesn't seem to be in Kentucky Kentucky.......maybe it's in Berzerkly, California Kentucky where lots of strange things happen..... Martin and LuckyLee (from the Catskills, New York which is in the USA somewhere north of the Mason Dixon Line which is the last defense should the Maginot line fail---- VIVE LA FRANCE!
Do you think that really matters? I thought it was hilarious. That's why I shared it here. Three cheers to Hattie, wherever she may be!
And peace be with you, too. With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 7/9/2015 8:15 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The other day, I told my best friend about the Nietzsche quote: ‘Woman was God’s second mistake.’ Without hesitation, he replied: ‘The first one was creating man.’ | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
Well firstly, that Nietzsche quote about how we 'must .... become gods' illustrates for me one seriously central problem, and can be seen to be why and how Nietzsche's ideas influenced the growth of Nazi ideology: the idea that human beings can become gods and thus create civilization in their/our own twisted image. We can see that now in the growth of contemporary cults too.
God cannot die: we might wish to kill Him (or Her), but in doing anything like that, we kill parts of ourself.
Secondly, I suspect you are being ironic (hope so!) - but equally I do not think creating woman was a mistake, second, first or otherwise (although I saw that as graffiti somewhere too). You clearly have a feminist imago going on, which is fine, and I am no great proponent of patriarchy either: but we are born as we are into and onto this planet, and it doesn't seem to me to help much by either gender castigating [and yes, I know there is a pun there waiting to come out ..] the other. Maybe we should all aspire to androgyny.
To take something from your other writings, how can God have made a mistake? For myself, I suspect God might have been lonely playing around, and things got out of hand - but that is another story.
As for Hattie, she reminds me of Captain Haddock in the Tintin books, who only drank whiskey.
Love
Paul
Edited by Paul Joseph 7/9/2015 3:42 PM
| |
| | |
Forum Administrator
Posts: 462
| Humour is a funny thing. Wasn't it Freud who said that the basis of all jokes is the sadistic impulse? | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Helloooooo and Bravoooooo Aquarius-you got the point of the post and asked the question. My answer is in today's day and age it matters a lot. Particularly when many are ready to crucify on the accuracy of information. One would think that in comedic enterprises it doesn't matter but just try to poke a little fun at Moe Hammid (the little known fifth member of the Three Stooges, who were actually four + Moe2); or ride the coattails of Hannibal Buress' rise to the top at the expense of calling Bill Cosby a rapist......OMG NO CAN BE TRUE......but turns out that out of the mouth of Huxtables comes truth. Humour, even slimmed down without a u, is not quite perceived the way "we (me?)" think it will be. BUT, I thought it was funny and I only brought up Feague 'cos there ain't no such place.......BUT, there will be now since it is on the Internet. And, you will see home pages for Feague's founding mithers and fithers who came to Kentucky to grow Bourbon and drink Blue Grass and raise tall Fescues. OMG-Georgie Orwell was spot on!
Paulio, I have been pleading with Aqua to give us an opt-out of the "we are all young gods in the making" and I plead the same to Nietzsche. Let me be perfectly clear on this and quite serious.....I do not want (and if you all knew him you would unanimously agree) Nathan Nuddleman to be a god.....he would be a total disaster as a god......he would knock something over and make the entire universe disappear....he is DITZY! In Cuba they are all ready carrying signs "CUBA SI NATHAN NO!"
Lastly, here we all are again......me, Aqua, Paul and Officialus.....is this serendipity or what?
As the Pope, Bishop of Rome, Italy says:
Pizza be with you!
Marty and LuckyLee | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | mruppert - 7/10/2015 12:36 AM . . . here we all are again......me, Aqua, Paul and Officialus.....is this serendipity or what. . . ? 'Ee by gum, Nellie, so we are! That's fair grand!' That's what they would say in my neck of the woods, if they knew of it - whoever 'they' may be. In fifty years of hearing them - almost exactly to the day - I have grown to love hearing their voices.
With love, as ever - Aquarius * * *
Edited by Aquarius 7/10/2015 10:05 AM
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Indeed, Aqua!
But folks, come on........if I want to have a conversation with Aqua I could do so in a tea shoppee.
There must be some viewers of these posts that have some comments????????
Hugs and XXXX's Aqua,
I always will love you,
Martin and LuckyLee | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Computers Versus Cars
This is dedicated to all those who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers are enhancing our lives.
At a recent computer expo COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the car industry and stated: ‘If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that achieved 1,000 miles to the gallon.’
In response to this, Ford has issued the following press release:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash – sometimes on several occasions each day.
2. Every time the lines in the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and re-open the windows before you could continue. And yet, for some unknown reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Microsoft would make a car powered by the Sun, very reliable and five times as fast and twice as easy to drive. Alas, it would run on only five percent of our roads.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning signal.
7. The airbag system would ask: ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would be operating in the same manner as in the old car.
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.
P.S. When all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country call centre who would instruct you how to fix the car yourself in English spoken with such a strong foreign accent that it would be almost impossible to understand what the person on the other end of the line was saying.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Note Of Thank You
Dear Friends,
Just a quick note to thank all of you for the many educational e-mails I received over the past year. As a result, I am totally screwed up and have little chance of recovery. That's why:
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
And I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 Angels looking out for me and St Theresa’s Novena is granting me every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered when I forward some of my e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, to make sure no serial killer crawls in the back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe. A good job too because they’ve gone bust.
Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 pm tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.
By the way, a German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother to take it off now, it’s too late.
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that germs can splash over six feet from out of the toilet.
Have an exceptionally good day and a healthy life.
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 7/25/2015 6:45 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Simon’s motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall. But the message wasn’t getting through. Simon kept procrastinating and putting off the repair of the mower.
In her frustration Maria one day thought she’d had a clever idea for making her point. When Simon arrived home from work, Maria was sitting on the lawn and clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Simon watched her silently for a few minutes. Then he went into the house and after a few minutes he appeared with a toothbrush in his hand. Giving it to Maria, he said: ‘When you’ve finished cutting the grass, how about sweeping the sidewalk?’
* * * | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Tale Of The Hot Air Balloon
A woman travelling in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. Reducing altitude, she spotted a man below. So she descended a bit more and shouted: ‘Excuse me, can you please help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’
The man replied: ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’
‘You must be an Engineer,’ said the balloonist.
‘I am,’ came the reply, ‘but how did you know?’
‘Well,’ the woman answered, ‘everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip by your talk.’
The man responded with: ‘You must be in Management.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know that?’
‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. In fact, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. The only difference is that now it’s somehow become all my fault.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | An Evening Out
We had decided to go out for a dinner and theatre evening. When we were dressed and ready to leave the house, we turned on a ‘night light’, switched on the answering machine, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. Then we phoned a local taxi company to ask for a cab. Within minutes it arrived. Alas, as soon as we opened the front door to leave, the cat slipped back in.
We didn’t want to leave her on her own in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. So my wife walked to the taxi and I nipped back into the house to get the cat. Like the wind she raced up the stairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife did not want anyone to know that our house would be empty for the night, so she told the driver that I would be joining them in a moment and that I was just saying good-bye to her mother.
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard. She’d better not muck up the vegetable garden again!’
The silence in the taxi was deafening.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Words
Pythagoras’ theorem – 24 words.
Lord’s Prayer – 66 words.
Archimedes’ Principle – 67 words.
10 Commandments – 179 words.
Gettysburg address – 286 words.
US Declaration of Independence – 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments – 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbage – 26,911 words. * * *
Edited by Aquarius 8/27/2015 2:29 PM
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | God's name, when asked of the Divine by Abraham:
I AM
(two words)
.................................................... | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Three symbols (or letters if one prefers) of the trinity.....God the FATHER, God the SON and God the HOLY GHOST | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | AUM ..... | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | mruppert - 8/28/2015 5:24 AM Three symbols (or letters if one prefers) of the trinity.....God the FATHER, God the SON and God the HOLY GHOST Or, the way I perceive the Holy Trinity: The Great White Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, and their only born Son, the great Light and the Sun of all Suns behind the Sun in the sky above us. May they always be with us and keep us and our world safe.
With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Hi Aquarius
That was one of the reasons that I was attracted to Andean spirituality when I visited Peru ... their idea of their divinity Viracocha as the great divine sun behind the sun (if I understood their indigenous pre-Columbian/pre-Christian cosmology correctly) seemed at root to link to and integrate our Northern Hemisphere spiritualities intriguingly.
Love
Paul
Edited by Paul Joseph 8/28/2015 7:22 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Facebook – In Real Life
Dedicated to those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and, I tell them I love them and, it works! I already have 6 people following me:
2 police officers,
1 psychiatrist,
And a staff of 3 from the local Insane Asylum’s Ambulance-Capture-Crew.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Paul Joseph - 8/28/2015 1:20 PM Hi Aquarius That was one of the reasons that I was attracted to Andean spirituality when I visited Peru ... their idea of their divinity Viracocha as the great divine sun behind the sun (if I understood their indigenous pre-Columbian/pre-Christian cosmology correctly) seemed at root to link to and integrate our Northern Hemisphere spiritualities intriguingly. Love Paul Dear Paul – an interesting observation, but it does not surprise me. I believe that all the myths and legends that ever appeared in our world have been interconnected and basically telling us the same story. To get an idea of how step by step one has been leading to the other, you might like to read my recently updated interpretation of:
‘The Labours Of Hercules’
Please allow a moment for the file to load.
With love – Aquarius
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 8/29/2015 6:28 AM
| |
| | |
Forum Administrator
Posts: 462
| Indeed the Labours of Hercules are the travails of each one of us in this world. | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A Case Of Mistaken Identity
An elderly gentleman was walking down a road, carrying a length of 2" by 1" timber over his shoulder, to make his wife a clothes prop.
A little boy came past him and asked: ‘Are you a Pole-vaulter?’
‘No, young man,’ replied the man. ‘I am German, but how did you know my name is Walter?’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Ophiucus - 8/30/2015 8:42 PM Indeed the Labours of Hercules are the travails of each one of us in this world. How right you are, dear Ophiucus. The following three items relate to and are concerned with the theme of these labours. They are best read in the sequence shown below, as one follows on from the other.
1) ‘Flying Into The Freedom Of The Aquarian Age’
2) ‘The Labours Of Hercules’
3) ‘Flying On Eagle’s Wings’ With love - Aquarius * * *
Edited by Aquarius 8/31/2015 8:02 AM
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | I feel all perspectives lead us to where we each want to go. That is the nice thing about freedom of religious beliefs. I have no use for many of them, and great use for many combined.
Make it what you want... and let your light SHINE!
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Supernatural3 - 9/4/2015 12:40 AM I feel all perspectives lead us to where we each want to go. That is the nice thing about freedom of religious beliefs. I have no use for many of them, and great use for many combined. Make it what you want... and let your light SHINE! Dear Jill, It's good to hear from you again. I just couldn’t agree more with what you are saying and would like to share the following with you on this theme:
If you wish to find the nuggets of genuine wisdom that are buried in all the belief systems your world has ever known, call upon Me. I am your inner guidance and the living God within, waiting to be called upon to help you train your earthly minds and to teach you its wise use, so in future you will never again fall prey to false beliefs, prejudices and superstitions. I am the only one in the whole of Creation who can and does reliably tell you truths from untruths and false beliefs from true ones.
Take possession of the tool this places into everyone’s own hands, as the time has come for treating each one of the remaining old faiths of your world like a cake. I am ready and waiting to show all of you how to recognise and extract the raisins and cherries of truth each one of them contains. Your task as aspiring lightbringers and healers consists of keeping and conserving their best, that which is true and of value for all humankind. The rest needs to be discarded. Through gathering and joining together the manifold treasures you are going to find in this way, you and I together are lovingly baking a rich new cake that is of such wealth of My spiritual wisdom and truth as thus far has been unknown in earthly life. Getting their hands on their very own portion of this delicacy is every soul’s birthright.
As young Gods in the making, because of life’s oneness on the inner plane, growth by any one of you can only be achieved through constantly interacting with the rest of life. My Cosmic law of evolution decrees that no individual soul in the whole of Creation shall grow and evolve in isolation, and that every part of life forever shall depend upon all others for its survival and wellbeing, or otherwise. Event though on the surface of things you may like to think of yourself as an independent being, you are still reliant upon millions of others on many different levels of life, from the highest to the lowest. They are constantly influencing you in everything you say and do, as much as you are influencing them.
From ‘Baking A Rich New Cake’ ‘The Universal Christ Now Speaks To Us And Our World’
With love - Aquarius
Edited by Aquarius 9/5/2015 7:36 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A woman goes back to work after thirty years.
To see what happens to her, please follow the link below:
‘Back To Work’
As the video is only four seconds long, watch carefully!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | On The Death Of A Good Friend
Dear Friends,
We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in a mass of bureaucratic red tape. However, he will be remembered for a very long time for once having taught our world some extremely valuable lessons. Among them were:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain.
Why it is that the early bird gets the worm.
That only on the surface of things life isn’t always fair.
Sometimes thinking: ‘Maybe it was all my fault, after all!’
Common Sense lived by simple and sound financial policies, like don’t spend more than you earn, and had reliable strategies, like adults and not children are in charge.
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations appeared, for example:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate. Teenagers were suspended from school for using a mouthwash after lunch.
A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. He lost some more of his ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves had failed to do by disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, yet could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and asked for an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live when churches turned into businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
He took another beating when he heard that you couldn’t defend yourself against a burglar in your own home and if you defended yourself, burglars could sue you for assault.
He finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot and when she spilt a bit of it in her lap, she was awarded a huge compensation settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by:
His parents: Truth and Trust
His wife: Discretion
His daughter: Responsibility
His son: Reason
He is survived by his four stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m a Victim
Not many attended Common Sense’s funeral because very few realised that he had gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the expression:
‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 May 2015.
From this date onward the correct term will be: ‘Euronating’.
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
* * *
The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the expression:
‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 May 2015.
From this date onward the correct term will be: ‘Euronating’.
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
* * * The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the expression:
‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 May 2015.
From this date onward the correct term will be: ‘Euronating’.
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
* * *
The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the expression:
‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 May 2015.
From this date onward the correct term will be: ‘Euronating’.
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
* * *
The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the expression:
‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 May 2015.
From this date onward the correct term will be: ‘Euronating’.
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | deaar A
sorry was too preoccupied raising a glass or more than 2 to our dear old Queen hereabouts in the UK ... longest serving monarch and even the Germans refer to her in their dictionary, according to DC today, as 'the Queen' [there is only one ....]
Great speeches in today'sParilament by both DC and HH
Mazel Tov
Paulo Pablo and don Quixote as I once and future was known by herabouts .... [in those halcyon days of Sunflower, Marty, NE, Lori, Stillness, FF, Leo, Tracy, Cara, DocJ and any1 else may have forgotten if so please forgive, one always needs more thsan as much forgiveness as can be given ...]
Namaste | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | HA HA.... Aquarius You are hilarious.... how cute is that.... LOL | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Glad you are enjoying it so much! How about this one? Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
* * *
Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
* * * Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
* * *
Reflections
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!
When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Paul Joseph - 9/9/2015 7:48 PM . . . the Germans refer to her in their dictionary, according to DC today, as 'the Queen' [there is only one ....] Great speeches in today's Parliament by both DC and HH. . . When one considers the German background of our royal family, it is hardly surprising that the Queen has a special place in the heart of the German people and that to them she is just ‘The Queen’. Here is a link that tells you more about it:
‘The German Background Of The Royal Family’
Although on the whole I have no time for royalty and monarchies, I love Queen Elizabeth II. She truly is a wonderful lady. Unlike you, dear Paul, and millions of other Brits, I have sworn an oath of allegiance to her. The occasion for this arose when, after having lived in the United Kingdom for almost twenty-five years, I finally decided to apply for British nationality. The main reason for this was that in spite of being a British citizen with all its rights and duties, paying my taxes just the same as everybody else, I was not allowed to cast my vote at the ballot box.
People have given their lives so that we ordinary people should have the vote and I feel it is my citizen’s duty to cast mine, wherever I am living.
With love – Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Tale Of The Wily Painter
A painter who was interested in making an extra penny here and there, often thinned down his paint to make it go further. He got away with this for quite some time, until his local church decided to do a restoration job on one of its biggest buildings.
Our painter put in a bid and because his price was lower than that of all other tenders, he got the job. After he had made all the necessary preparations like erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, he went to buy the paint. And yes, you guessed it, he thinned it down with turpentine.
One day, when the job was almost completed, our man was up on the scaffolding, when a mighty clap of thunder shook seemed to shake Heaven and Earth. The skies opened, the rain came pouring down and washed the paint from all over the church and the poor fellow was knocked off his scaffolding. He landed on the lawn among the gravestones of the surrounding cemetery and to his horror saw telltale puddles of his inferior paint all around him.
Well, our man was no fool. Being of a religious inclination, he realised that the event just had to be a message from the Almighty. So he got down on his knees and cried: ‘O God, O dear God, forgive me. What should I do?’
Through the next roll of thunder a mighty voice spoke to him: ‘Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Today I have something for you that isn’t funny.
But I hope that you will find it enjoyable:
The Magic Flower Garden
Click on the link below for your
‘Entry Into The Magic Flower Garden’
At first you get a black page.
Click your mouse anywhere on it,
then click and drag the cursor all over it,
so the magic can unfold.
Enjoy!
And have a wonderful day
that is filled with flowers and love.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Once more I have something for you that is not funny.
But it is amazing and I hope that you will find it as interesting as I do and enjoy it as much.
Separating Egg White And Yolk
If you have difficulties doing this the old fashioned way,
you might like to try the ingenious method demonstrated in the video whose link is below:
‘Separating Egg White And Yolk’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Medical Dictionary With A Difference Medical Terms & Definitions
Artery
The study of paintings
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
Searching for Kitty
Cauterise
Made eye contact with her
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
A small lie
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
A higher offer
Nitrates
Rates of pay for working at night,
normally more money than days
Node
I knew it
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Nearly killed him
Secretion
Hiding something
Seizure
Roman Emperor
Tablet
A small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
One plus one more
Urine
Opposite of you're out
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | 1981 and 2005 - Two Interesting Years
1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
The next time Charles gets married shouldn’t someone warn the Pope?
* * *
Edited by Aquarius 10/3/2015 7:44 AM
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Ha ha - very good ... let's hope he doesn't ... | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Are you lonely?
Work on your own?
Hate having to make decisions?
Then hold a meeting.
You can get to see other people,
Sleep in peace,
Load decisions onto others,
Feel important and impress your colleagues –
Just think – all of that in work time!
MEETINGS!
The practical and creative alternative to work.
Anon.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | So true ..... I have often thought that meetings are great ways of avoiding meeting people or doing any work
Edited by Paul Joseph 10/7/2015 7:28 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Teenagers!
Tired of being harassed by parents,
Who don’t know anything?
Act Now!
Move out! Get a job!
Pay your own bills,
While you still know everything!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Talking Dog For Sale
A man sees a sign in front of a house ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. ‘Can I see it?’
‘Yes, of course you can!’ The owner takes the man to the dog.
‘Is it true that you can talk?’ the man asks the creature.
‘Yep,’ it replies.
‘That’s incredible! What’s your story?’
The dog looks up and says: ‘Well, I discovered this gift when I was young and wanted to help the government. I told the CIA what I could do and in no time they had me moving from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, as no-one thought a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some astonishing things there and was awarded a lot of medals. I’m retired now.’
Amazed, the man turns to the owner and asks how much he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ comes the reply.
Stunned by the low price, the man says: ‘But the dog is brilliant. Why are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar. He never did any of that!’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A young man had just received his driving licence, so he went to his father, an evangelist, to see whether he would be allowed to use his father’s car. The father responded with: ‘I’ll make a deal with you. If you increase your grades from a C to a B average, study the Bible a bit more and get your hair cut. we’ll talk about the car.’
Thinking about this for a moment, the boy decided to settle for the offer. Father and son agreed on it. After about six weeks they met in the father’s study. He greeted the youngster with: ‘Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, as well as participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m really disappointed because you haven’t got your hair cut.’
The young man responded with: ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. But I noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’
The father replied: ‘Did you also notice that they all walked wherever they went?’
* * *
| |
| | |
Veteran
Posts: 205
Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/ | If you click the link, you will be able to see what engineers get up to when they retire. Click here
lol... In reality, whatever that may be, I solved every disease in the book . I'm lookin' for a new book lulz Have to meet Goldberg tomorrow.
Edited by alpha+omega 10/12/2015 2:39 PM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’s
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
How about this one?
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
Well Jesus also walked on water, John the Baptist was submerged, Moses parted the waves, and as for Samson, well he might have passed water now and again ...
Paul | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | So he - they - did! Well, maybe they did.
With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Nice to see you back here Alpha | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
Or Samson could have had a wash and cut ....
Just playing with the water puns ...
Love
Paul | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Here is a Shaolin monk running on water (or as near as):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2dUkJIl00U | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | <p>The things that people do! One can never help wondering why. Not exactly walking on water, is he? With love - Aquarius<br /></p>
Edited by Aquarius 10/15/2015 10:28 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Good Old Days
Granddad was reminiscing about them the other day: ‘When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t’corner store wi’ a dollar, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf a dozen eggs. Yer can’t do that now. Too many bloomin’ security cameras.’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Understanding And Applying The New Universal Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you also need to go to the toilet.
2. Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, always rolls into the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability. The likelihood of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers. If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you may indeed have a flat tire. So beware!
6. Law of Variation. If you change queues in the supermarket or traffic lanes, the one you were in begins to move faster than the one you have joined.
7. Law of Bathing. When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically, when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of Results. When you try to prove to someone that something doesn’t work, it will get going.
10. Law of Biomechanics. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach of your hands.
11. Doctors’ Law. When you feel unwell, you make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you will probably feel better. But strangely enough, if you don’t go and see her or him you may remain sick.
12. The Starbucks Law. As soon as you sit down to enjoy a cup of hot coffee, your boss asks you to do something that will take until your coffee has gone cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers. If there are only two people in a locker room, they are bound to be in adjacent ones.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces. The chances of an open-faced jelly, jam or marmalade sandwich landing face down on the floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the floor covering.
15. Law of Logical Argument. Anything is possible, if you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance. If the clothes fit, they’re probably not very nice.
17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy. As soon as you find a product that you really enjoy, it disappears from the shelves.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Re: 18 - Interesting coincidence that Dr. James L. Wilson is a contemporary authority on adrenal fatigue, which could be of interest to metaphysicians and healers. Presumably that is not the same one is you mean, Aquarius!?
Love 'n' All
Paul
Edited by Paul Joseph 10/18/2015 6:46 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | I may well be that the two are connected somehow, dear Paul.
With love - Aquarius
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Today I have something for you that is not funny, just interesting.
To watch one of the most delightful videos
that ever came my way,
please follow the link below:
‘Cat And Dolphin At Play’
* * *
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Ruppert's Law of Time Expansion:
1) Anything that you are told will take five minutes will take at least an hour.
2) "Half a mo..." usually encompasses a whole mo and then some......
3) If you are asked "have you got a minute" be prepared to spend at least 30 minutes or more.
4) "Just a second" will invoke the minute hand of the clock to turn faster
Time is a very strange thing indeed!
Peace and tick tocks,
Marty | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Isn't it just, dear Marty? With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | And also my dear Akwarious...........
Ruppert"s Laws of Time and Motion:
1) If you arrive at the bus stop or train station 10 minutes early, the bus or train will be at least 15 minutes late.
2) If you arrive at the bus stop or train station 1 minute late, the bus or train will have been at least 5 minutes early.
Ruppert's Factor of Bodies in Motion:
1) The bus or train that is at least 15 minutes late will not stop for one who has been at the designated point of boarding at the designated time.
2) The bus or train will never wait for the appointed time to enter and leave the designated point of boarding but will stop and go based on the principle of locomotive free will.
This is a complex science that few of us understand!!
P.S. Bizarre Phenomena:
1) At least one person in the cash only line will try to pay with a credit/debit card
2) At least two people in the credit/debit line will have his or her card declined.
Why is that?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Prophetically Yours,
Marty | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Marty
Wot, no LuckyLee?! .....
Hopefully not yet passed the land of the feline Valhalla?
Paul (hope this link uploads..)
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/offbeat/mother-cat-breaks-into-vet-cl...
Edited by Paul Joseph 10/24/2015 5:38 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Good Question, Paul. Where, oh where can she be? With love - Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Hello Paul, Aqua, et al:
Her failing body was an increasing burden to her. She must have suffered a third stroke sometime Tuesday afternoon, October 13th that left her immobile and virtually non responsive. She freed herself of her useless body at 7:30 that evening.
My companion of 31 years..............
Peace,
Marty | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Hello Marty, So sorry to hear that. But it was an incredible age for a cat and you were truly blessed to have her with you for such a long time. The Rainbow Bridge
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
In a lush green meadow where time stands still,
Where people’s friends freely do run,
When their time on the Earth plane’s over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where all God’s beloved creatures find rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more they suffer from pain and sadness,
Here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness,
Limbs are restored and health renewed.
Bodies healed and with new strength imbued,
They romp through the grass, without having a care.
But then, one fine day, they stop and sniff the air.
With ears pricked forward, one of them looks back
And suddenly breaks away from the pack.
For just at that instant the eyes have met,
Re-united once more, of human being and pet.
They run to each other to renew their friendship of the past.
The time of their parting is over at last and
The sadness they felt while being apart
Now turns into the purest of joy in their loving heart.
They embrace with an affection that will last forever
And then, side-by-side, they cross over
Into the world of light – together.
Steve and Diane Bodofsky
Edited by Aquarius With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Condolences Marty, so sorry for your inconceivable loss
Nice poem Aquarius
Warmth, love and hugs
Paul | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Marty -
Took me all day, but knocked up this little number, for you and Lucky Lee:
Goodbye to a Loved One
Look you tread softly upon the Rainbow Bridge
If too hard a footfall, you will step right through the light into the dark
Only the gentle are true Valhalla bound
Slip silent past the Praetorian Guard
Miss the alarmed sentry by a whisker
Whispering the password, your purred word
Spare your penny for the Ferryman’s daughter -
You are more beautiful by far - then once upon the Farthest Shore
Go quick, no looking back – not even for me
May see you on the Other Side
Your friend
Paul
Edited by Paul Joseph 10/26/2015 4:36 PM
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Paul, Aqua.......
You all are wonderful friends to have, particularly at such times as these past weeks.
Love yas,
Marty
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Marty, Our loving thoughts are always with you and especially so at this time of saying goodbye and departures from the Earth plane, of that you can be sure. With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | It’s Halloween! It’s Halloween!
The moon is full and bright
And we shall see what can’t be seen
On any other night.
Skeletons and ghosts and ghouls,
Grinning goblins fighting duels,
Werewolves rising from their tombs,
Witches on their magic brooms.
In masks and gowns
We haunt the street
And knock on doors
For trick or treat.
Tonight we are
The king and queen,
For oh tonight
It’s Halloween!
Jack Prelutsky
Please click the link below and take a look at your
‘Halloween Card’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Joy And Wonder Of Translations
In a Bangkok temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Spy Camera Visits Polar Bears
Please follow the link below:
‘Spy On The Ice’
Enjoy!
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says: ‘Give me six double Martinis’. Although he is more than somewhat aghast, the man behind the bar obliges. He prepares the drinks and sets them down in a row in front of the visitor, who instantly starts guzzling them down, one after the other, without blinking.
The kind bartender, who has the good of his customers at heart, says to the man: ‘Listen mister – you’re gonna do yourself some harm drinking like that!’ Smiling sadly, the man replies: ‘Ah well, if you had what I have, you’d be glugging them down like that too.’
Very concerned now, the bartender wants to know: ‘Why? What have you got?’
After a moment’s hesitation, the man replies: ‘63 cents.’
* * *
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Hi all:
In the apartment building that I have dwelled in for quite a while, I have a reputation for receiving "strange" mail. I get things in many different languages; magazines from all over the world; and contradictory subject matter. One Tuesday passed, though, caused quite a stir. The US Postal Service left a box at my door that had prominent stickers that said "USPS CREMATED REMAINS". Because I was juggling messenger bag, take away food, umbrella, mail, newspaper and keys, I kicked the box in and didn't notice the stickers until much later.
Here is the story.....my sister felt uncomfortable with my Mom's remains so she sent them to me.....using a service of the US Postal Service that would have required me to go to the local post office and sign to pick up the parcel. Our super efficient postal delivery person, however, chose to deliver the parcel at the time she normally delivers regular mail, which means that my Mom sat outside my door from 11:00 am until 5:00 pm - when I hastily kicked her inside.
That means that neighbors in other apartments or flats as the Brit people call them-and even bumpies, which is a flat that has several floors or uneven single floors-all saw "USPS CREMATED REMAINS" sitting at my door.
Anyway, Mom is sitting on the couch (or settee as the Brits say)......and, of course, I do what any sane (???????????????????) person would do.....I talk to a wooden chest!
Don't fear for my sanity folks, fear for my insanity. I shall have to find another cat or two to keep me in some semblance of reality!
Peace and Love to All,
Marty and ? cat-----oh yeah----and Mom!
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Games
Here is a video for you about a dog who is determined to get a stone-hearted man to throw his stick.
The dog loves playing the game of fetch and can’t understand why the man will not join in the fun.
Discover why by following the link below:
‘The Spoil Sport’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | What Did Noah Say To His Wife? ‘The Woodpecker will have to go!’  * * * | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | Good luck trying to breed those lions. LOL and yes.... the wood pecker needs to go! HA HA | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Oh No no no - the holes are good, they let out the water from the rain .... | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Hi Marty
Sorry been unwell so only just now got round to reading your post: tragi-comic? Not sure what to say ...
How strange the journey your mama's remainds have undergone .... an after-life journey indeed
My mother keeps my dad's ashes in her bedroom, along with all the ashes of the cats and dogs that she has had over the years .... she said to me once, when she dies, she wants me to take all the ashes of hers and those others, load them into a car, and drive it into the sea .... she did not say whether I should get out of the car before it sank or the tide came in ...
Your friend from nearby Wembley Stadium
Paul 
Edited by Paul Joseph 11/17/2015 10:29 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Re: The Woodpecker Good thinking, dear Paul.
With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | The Nature Of Hell
The following is a question that was actually given in a University of Washington chemistry final exam: ‘Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.’ Most of the students wrote of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
‘First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. For this we have to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving it. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of them state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions who are trying to convince us that this is true, and because people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that the souls of all people go to Hell. With birth and death rates the way they presently are, we can surmise that the number of souls in Hell is increasing exponentially.
Now, let us look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. As Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This presents us with two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering it, the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in it, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, who told me: ‘It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in sleeping with her, number two cannot be true, and that makes me feel sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student is the only who got an A.
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Dear Aquarius
I seem to remember checking the etymology of Hell some years ago and found it linked back to Old English meaning to 'seal off', or something similar. That always seemed to be a good working definition, ie, that someone 'in Hell', is sealed off, from life. It captures the way in which we can place ourselves in Hell, rather more than the idea of 'Divine Judgement'. I will need to recheck, but posted this meantime.
Love
Paul | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Thank you, Paul, that makes a great deal of sense to me. With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Ventriloquist With A Difference
Watch how the man walks off the stage and the puppet continues on its own.
‘The Ventriloquist’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | From The Mouths Of Children
A new teacher was trying to make use of what she had learned in her psychology studies. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, One of the children stood up. The teacher said: ‘Do you think you’re stupid?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
* * *
A little boy watched with fascination as his mother smoothed cold cream onto her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘Are you giving up?’ asked the lad.
* * *
A kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ With a puzzled look on its face the child replied: ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’
* * *
A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ The father replied: ‘Whenever I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. With a worried look on his face, the lad replied: ‘Dad, I think the Parcel Force man wants to buy mum.’
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | For this special day I have prepared a little surprise for you.
Please follow the link below:
‘Thanksgiving’
With love – Aquarius
* * *
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | A juicy drumstick to you Aqua!
Joyeux Jour de Merci Donnant!
Ah, Thanksgiving......the only day of the year that Americans eat better than the French do......
Pumpkin Peace o' Pie,
Marty
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Merci beaucoup, cher Martin. I cannot help wondering whether the Americans really are eating BETTER on this day or merely more? As far as I am concerned, I prefer quality to quantity any time - foodwise and otherwise. Bon appetit! Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Here is something that puts things into perspective whenever we are in danger of losing it. Please follow the link below and join me on: 'The Journey' * * * | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 2118
Location: The Heart of Space | Two treats today......I have always liked Eric Idle.......and, in another venue, Paul mentioned Spike Milligan....both have given us quite a few laughs over time.
Marty | |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | Did anyone see this? It is absolutely wonderful and just about the best response to 'ISIS': it was posted on Facebook this week by someone called Finchie Cova, and has been shared 12,000 times (I hope UMS will forgive the sometimes colourful language!)!
MY OPEN LETTER TO ISIS
What's the craic lads! I don't think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullcrap.
So how's yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and "copy paste" fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!
Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world's biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he's called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick "chat" about it.
What's this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called "The Global Coalition" in some mad 80's themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.
First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much crape hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all "rouge and crap" and joining in fights we clearly don't want to be part of. It's like when a fisht fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Iano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don't bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn't be arsed with the hole thing, we're simply too laid back.
Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.
Don't judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don't like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don't give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon's law, (or whatever it is) won't work here. I know a Sharon, and she's a cunt. We don't like her either.
Don't bomb our crap. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy leitrim, absolute crapehole lads I'm not joking)
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common...all mad bastards. Let that sink in
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning your fooeyed. Like actually fooeyed. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to " the cause" and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don't even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!.
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offies close at ten
2. Don't leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono's address
4. Don't bomb crap when the toy show is on
5. Start with leitrim
6. If your looking for virgins you won't find any on Harcourt street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don't judge you for where your from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep fooeying walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don't want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the crap out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack's.
Yours unintentionally
Finchie and the rest of Ireland
EDIT: offaly, offaly too!
Forwarded with joy at the ever-redeeming factor of good humour
Paul
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Euro English
The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan aimed to become known as ‘Euro-English’. Here are a few examples:
In the first year, the soft ‘c’ will replace the ‘s’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one fewer letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will nicely shorten words like photograph.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the forz yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Created by Anon.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Walking On Water
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. Sitting by the side of a lake, they closed their eyes in concentration. Suddenly the first one stood up and said: ‘I forgot my mat.’ He stepped onto the water and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said: ‘I forgot to turn off the stove.’ He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.
The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. ‘Is your learning so superior to mine? I am sure I can match any feat you two can perform,’ he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. When he tried to step onto it, he immediately disappeared under the surface.
Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and had another go with the same result. Again and again he tried while the other two were sitting and calmly watching his efforts.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first one and said: ‘Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?’
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Recipe For A Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
- 2 cups flour
- 1 stick butter
- 1 cup water
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 cup brown sugar
- Lemon juice
- 4 large eggs
- Nuts
- 2 bottles wine
- 2 cups dried fruit
Sample the wine to check its quality. Take a large bowl, test the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, first pour one level cup of it and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still okay. Better try another cup.
Just in case, turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Pick the fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, then a spoon of sugar or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat. Then walk to the nearest supermarket and buy a cake.
Bingle Jells!
Merry Christmas to all.
* * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | How About A Spot Of Fortune Telling?
This is supposed to be a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope which, if you are honest, is supposed to tell the truth.
For a bit of fun, why not have a go? Write your answers down and begin:
1. Which is your favourite colour: red, black, blue, green or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which colour do you like better, black or white?
5. The name of a person of the same sex as you?
6. Your favourite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a Lake or the Ocean more?
9. Write down a realistic wish.
When you are done, scroll down and no cheating, please.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Answer 1:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you will fall in love with someone quite unexpectedly.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major
Life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great. You will find your soul mate.
4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better and you are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realise this.
5. This person should be your Best Friend.
6. This is how many close friends you will have in your present lifetime.
7. If you choose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
8. If you choose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
Happy New Year 2016 to all.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio | That was fun.... I enjoy things like this, always have. They seem very optimistic! Hope all is going well~
HUGS | |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Thank you for letting me know. With love - Aquarius * * *
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom |
Edited by Aquarius 1/15/2016 10:07 AM
| |
| | |
UMS Guest
Posts: 1938
Location: United Kingdom | Senior Issues
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that they should become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, therefore doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you are muttering protests.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
1. Death is the number killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day when they are lying in hospital and dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the sixties people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
9. Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
* * *
| |
| | |
PhD Alumni
Posts: 4414
Location: United Kingdom | That is very funny and all so true .... | |
| |
|
Don't Take It All Too Seriously!