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Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?
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Posted 6/8/2006 10:10 PM (#542)
Subject: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

Hello. I welcome anyone's comments. I have been exploring the metaphysical spiritual world for the last 5 yrs. It's when I talk of this spirituality or study it that am the most connected (to Spirit, the Universe, my higher self). For 10 months I dated a man that I fell in love w/very quickly. He did as well. I believe we have a past life connection because our connection was unexplainable. Anyway, he was very open about how his life has been, he was always a player and due to insecurity and fears, has always kept love at a distance and has simply been promiscuous and selfish. He expressed an interest in settling down and joining our families (with both have young children). It was a tough relationship due to his many insecurities and anger from his past. We shared a very intense sexual passion and had a lot of fun and laughter together. Fidelity and trust were the most important things to me and we agreed we'd tell each other if we felt the temptation to cheat. Well, he cheated and didn't tell me, and in fact covered it up for almost 3 months while lying to me and continuing to communicate with the person he cheated with. I found out and we broke up. That was 2 and 1/2 months ago. I changed my #s and distanced myself, I was very angry and hurt. Despite that, I have missed him terribly. He has never stopped seeking me and claims he realizes I am the love of his life, that he would never ever do this again, that he sees how much damage he's done and how he took me for granted and was selfish, etc. He has been begging for me to take him back and let him show me his love for me. I have resisted and resisted but the truth is, I'm tired of being angry and I'm tired of missing him. I don't want to feel like I will be thinking "what if?" I try to practice present moment awareness and stop living in the past...if I do that, isn't that forgiveness too? He seems genuinely remorseful for the pain and his mistake. I know I made mistakes too but I always respected him. He disrespected me in many ways before that, he did a lot of yelling and cursing at me, and after he cheated, he was really mean and distant with me and projected his stuff on to me. I didn't understand it then. If I live in the moment, shouldn't I be able to put the past behind me then and enjoy the present with him without worrying about the future??? Thoughts?
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Dancing Daisy
Posted 6/9/2006 2:41 AM (#544 - in reply to #542)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

UMS Student

Posts: 22

It sounds to me like the relationship was already on its way out before the cheating happened, if he was yelling and cursing at you. Even tho you miss him, you might be better off looking to the future and trying a different guy. There are lots of nice guys out there, and even tho it hurts while you recover from the pain of suddenly being alone, you are probably better off moving forward. It sounds to me that if you get back together, it will be nice for a couple months maybe, but then the yelling and cursing will begin again and pehaps even more cheating as time goes on. I think you're just asking for more of the same if you get back together. You can still forgive him without having to go back to him, and that will help you with you're own pain in your heart and diffuse the anger, realizing that it was all meant to be and that he is not necessarily to blame for how you feel. Perhaps you might want to take some responsibility for staying in the relationship too long, and thus the cheating was a result, when your common sense was probably telling you to leave before the cheating happened. That will take away the anger at him and redirect it into a lesson for yourself to leave if you are being disrespected before you get into a situation where your partner is cheating.

Good luck!
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Nicole Y
Posted 6/9/2006 1:17 PM (#546 - in reply to #544)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

Good advice!
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Posted 6/9/2006 6:41 PM (#549 - in reply to #542)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

UMS Student

Posts: 37
Location: Northern Utah, USA

I am with Dancing Daisy on this one... Good sound advice. Nobody deserves to be disrespected and treated as you decribed you were. The man in question has issues, and will not be able to fully love you, until he deals with his issues and loves himself. And remember, in this day and age we find ourselves in, fidelity could literally be a matter of life and death! For now, I would say it's better to be alone with your children, and learn to love yourself, don't settle just to avoid being alone... And finally, trust in the universe that when the time is right, you will meet the right mate and person to love...

Be blessed,

Roger "Doc".

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Posted 6/13/2006 12:42 AM (#558 - in reply to #542)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

I really hear how much you care for him and probably him for you as well. Some connections can be so strong even though not always healthy.
I think cheating is a very tough thing to overcome in a relationship. Unless he is willing to do some healing work with you and mostly with himself he may have a pattern of fleeing intimacy and that could be pretty tough for you to live with. When you mention he is abusive after that happens then I worry that he is indeed very immature and you may be in for quite a ride. It is hard to give up on exciting relationships from my own experience, but as someone mentionned the price to pay for an unfaithfull man can be quite high in terms of disease. If you have children, then, you are also exposing them to your highs and lows and they need you to be as stable and happy as possible. I recently went to a conference and a trance medium said that there are three types of people those who are not meant to be in sexual relationships, those that are meant to be monogamous, and those that are meant to be polyamorous or serial judgment, just different styles.
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Posted 6/13/2006 3:13 PM (#563 - in reply to #542)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

UMS Student

Posts: 7

Dear Olga,

Follow your heart. Only you can know the path for you and this other may have things yet to work through together. Only you can know/feel/intuit the truth of this connection, and the lessons that you are receiving, the growth that your soul is desiring. Quiet your mind and look deep in your heart. Khalil Gibran, in The Prophet, says: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." If you have a past life connection, it could be that the roles were reversed at one time, or that your souls made an agreement to come together in this life to clear energy from the past. A good healer may be able to assist you in finding the roots to this life experience, as often these deep, entangled relationships have much to teach us. Go deep and connect with your soul on this one. I recommend the books Care of the Soul and Soul Mates by Thomas Moore. Also...silence, going inward, seeking guidance from your own deep source of wisdom.

Many Blessings to you on this path. Be fearless in love.

Asha Star
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Posted 6/30/2006 11:53 AM (#634 - in reply to #542)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

Dear Olga.... I understand your pain and questions. I found myself in a similar situation. I could not help but share my own insight to the other sincere responses you've gotten so far. At the current time I am happily married to a wonderful and loving man, but only after I accepted that the relationship I was in, no matter how destined it appeared, was going to bring me constant unhappiness. Like you, we seem connected, even a shamanic healer confirmed that. We tried a lot of things, or rather I prayed that he would be open to the things we tried to restore his love for himself. He was so self destructive. Ina way he was punishing himself for the sins of the past. Although they may hurt you like they did me, they are more hurtful to him in the long run. In my case,  after lots of meditation it came to me that he had a karmic debt to pay and he would continue as such until he could admit it and be healed. Yes, I could stay with him, but it would never be the idealic love affair I was hoping for. I was not sure I could make that sacrifice. In your lover's case, his infidelity is a form of self punishment. An act to fill a void that he has not yet come to terms with. He does not really want or need that other woman, he is merely hiding from himself his true fears and insecurities using the oldest method in the HIs angry communication with you is a reflection of the hate he feels for himself. He lashes out at the others around him because he cannot face himself. So my dear, if you accept this man, he may never change until he can come to terms with his own spirit and find his true nature, and embrace peace and self love. Your life with him would be one of pain for you. You could accept him as he is and keep praying for that day to come. Or you could move on. It may bring you peace and happiness with another, yet a part of you will still think of the what ifs. You may think, what if he changes and you gave up on him? In the end you make a choice and accept the consequences. If you take him back it may be like the story of the prodigal son in the Bible. You never stop loving until he comes "home". While enduring the shame and pain on yourself. Or you let go and love him from a distance, realizing that it is not your fault, you did not cause it, you did not fail. But the timing was not right. It was karma. peace and love, my sister
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Posted 10/26/2006 5:18 PM (#1115 - in reply to #634)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

One also must look at what lessons one is getting from being in the relationships we put ourselves into.
I had many psychological lessons to learn & persisted in relationships that brought those issuses up until I finally got it! My last relationship was an abusive one; and the most important person in my life has become Me!!
My Spiritual life is my relationship; and if I do find my Soul mate it'll be because I'm ready and I'm choosing to be w/the Love of my Life. I'm not "there" yet and I very happy!
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Posted 11/4/2006 3:34 AM (#1150 - in reply to #542)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

PhD Alumni

Posts: 1882
Location: NE Ohio
Without trust, you will always be second guessing. Not worth it. You will forever wonder in the back of your mind, if he is unfaithful again? Too many great and wonderful people out there to take back someone who abused you. You are better than that.....

My life of men:
I lived a lie for 15yrs. I married a man my parents liked. LOL I did... it was a choice i thought was right back then. I cried daily and lived very depressed for 15 years. I had three kids by the time i was 24 yrs old. We were financially set, so my work was never taken seriously. I was so unhappy, i did however study metaphysics (now -about 16yrs of metaphysical studies). No amount of studying helped me love him though. I even took anti-depressants to try to save our marriage. He was a Capt. Firefighter, with no heart. A Soul-less man, in it strickly for the money. Rather than blame him, i blaimed myself, but it drove me to be wreckless. He never paid any kind of attention to me, it was like i was left for dead. But the bills were paid, so his duty was done. I was the most lonely married woman alive, so it felt. Needless to say, our marriage was horrible, he abused me physically, mentally, emotionally. I became self-destructive. I went out a lot, kept myself busy and became numb.

I then met another man, who gave me so much attention, that i decided to go for a divorce. Although i had no income, and three kids, i knew i was giving up money but just had to take a chance. So, i did it. Then i dated the guy i met, who gave me lots of attention, but here, he was very bi-polar and unstable. The sex was incredible and i have to admit, i was addicted. I felt loved again, but then again... it turned into psychotic obsession. This man then moved into my home and was not working, he was living off me and wouldn't let me breathe. He was a compulsive liar and just did massive amounts of off the wall things as well as cheating. (being psychic, i caught him everytime, which actually hurt me) He started to have a negative effect on my children, so i had to break it off. The problem with that is, he wouldn't leave my home. He was self descructive and because of him i had a NDE. I had to have been saved by an angel, i should be dead. (another story) I ended up calling 911 on him, for trying to snap my neck, then choking me till blood vessles popped in my eyes and face (another different story). Police did nothing, because he was not in their custody and i wasn't pressing charges, unless they had him, in fear he would come back and finish the job. To make a long story shorter, he ended up stalking me for two years and it took my nearly a year to get him to move out. and he still calls and sits outside my house just as last week....(i live at a dead end, it's not on anyone's way to anywhere)

I did meet another man (2002), who found me on YES, i met my hubby on-line.We got maried last year (7/05). He found me, because i said i was into metaphysics. What is weird is, i truly believe that he and i have lived previous lives together. Both our parents names are named Tom and Nancy. He named his daughter Jillian Renee...... My middle name is that too. I have a STEP daughter now with my exact name. My husband and I are extreme happy and i feel our marriage is sacred. I wouldn't dare cheat on him. He makes me a better person and totally believes in me.... not to mention the guy rocks my world to no end. Another weird thing.... Come to find out that we have always been around each other, and just didn't actually connect. My ex boyfriend from highschool, actually was his lab partner in electronics class. WILD. So i remember my boyfriend back in 85 talking about him, but never actually met him. Had no idea i would be MARRIED to this man years later. Life is just wild.

My point is.... someone out there is waiting for you. If your not happy, just work on yourself.... the more you make your inner light shine, the more you will attract the one who is meant to be. You will know it when it happens. But if you cannot trust your man, you will only hurt yourself and dim your own light.

Make sense?

I still have a stalker... but i am not in fear anymore. I am on good terms with both my ex's and found that if I just brag about how happy i am, they don't want to hear it and leave you alone. LOL Life is good and it was metaphysics that brought me to my hubby. We are a family of 7 and a little insane, but wouldn't have it any other way.

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Posted 11/9/2006 2:44 PM (#1176 - in reply to #1150)
Subject: RE: Present living, forgiveness or just plain stupid?

Thank you for this post, Supernatural, I found it most inspiring and am admiring the courage you came up with to deal with your circumstances. Whadda role mode you are!
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