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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24088 - in reply to #24084)
Subject: Latest Survey Results



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‘Latest surveys show that three out of four people make up seventy-five percent of the world’s population.'
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24152 - in reply to #24088)
Subject: The man and the rabbi



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A man went to see his Rabbi and told him: ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
 
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the Rabbi.
 
‘My wife is poisoning me.’
 
‘How can that be?’
 
‘I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
 
‘Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and let you know.’
 
A week later the Rabbi called the man and told him: ‘I contacted your wife by phone and spoke to her for three hours. If I were you, I’d take the poison.’
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24179 - in reply to #24152)
Subject: Why Men Don’t Get Depressed As Easily As Women



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Why Men Don’t Get Depressed As Easily As Women

They are much happier people for very good reasons:

•    Your surname remains the same when you marry.
•    The garage is all yours.
•    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
•    Chocolate is just another snack.
•    You can never be pregnant.
•    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
•    You can wear no shirt to a water park.
•    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
•    The world is your urinal.
•    You never have to drive to another filling station restroom because this one is just too dirty.  
•    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
•    Same work, more pay.
•    Wrinkles add character.
•    Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental $100.
•    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
•    New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
•    Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
•    You know stuff about tanks.
•    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
•    You can open all your own  jars.
•    You get credit for even the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
•    If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friends.
•    Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
•    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for most men.
•    You almost never have strap problems in public.
•    You are unable to see creases in your clothes.
•    Everything on your face stays its original colour.
•    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
•    You only have to shave your face and neck.
•    You can play with toys all your life.
•    One wallet, one pair of shoes and one colour for all seasons.
•    You can wear shorts no matter what kind of legs you have.
•    You can manicure your nails with a pocket knife.
•    You have freedom of choice growing a moustache.
•    You can do Christmas shopping for twenty-five relatives on Christmas eve in less than half an hour.

•    When it comes to nicknames, when Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

•    When men are eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the meal costs only $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Some of them may well do this.

•    It is said that a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, whereas a woman might pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need, but she buys it because it’s in a sale.

•    Apparently, men usually have six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel, where as the average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is supposed to be about fifty. A man would be unable to identify more than twenty of them.

•    Some women believe they have to have the last word in any argument. In that case anything her man would have to say after that would mean the beginning of a new quarrel.

•    Some women are believed to worry about the future until they get a husband, while men never worry about the future until they get a wife.

•    Some women marry a man in the hope that he will change, but he doesn't. He marries a woman and thinks she won't change, yet she does.

•    A woman dresses up to go shopping, but first she waters the plants, empties the trash, answers the phone, reads a book and fetches the mail. Men, on the other hand, dress up for weddings and funerals only.

•    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed – that’s what they think, in any case. And some women seem to believe that somehow they have deteriorated during the night.

•    Women know everything about their children, their dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams. Some men are only vaguely aware that several small people are living are sharing their home.
 
                                                      * * *


Edited by Aquarius 8/23/2013 5:40 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24182 - in reply to #24179)
Subject: The Lawnmower



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‘My neighbour asked whether he could use my lawnmower and I told him he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.’ Eric Morecambe
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24209 - in reply to #24182)
Subject: The Tale of the Church Squirrels



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The Tale Of The Church Squirrels
 
Once upon a time, there was a small town with five different religious establishments.
They were:
 
The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Lutheran Church
The Catholic Church
The Jewish Synagogue.
 
Each of them was over-run by squirrels. One fine day, the Presbyterians called a meeting to decide what could be done about them. After many prayers and deep reflections they came to the decision that the squirrels were destined to be there and as such, they had no right to interfere with God’s sacred will. 
 
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken over the baptistery. The deacons thought it would be best to put a cover on this part of the church and then drown the squirrels in it. However, the squirrels escaped and it did not take long until there were twice as many of them in this church.
 
The Lutheran Church believed they had no right to harm any of God’s creatures. So they humanely trapped the squirrels, took them a few miles outside of town and set them free. Three days later, all of them had returned.
 
The Catholic Church came up with what, to them, appeared to be the best and most effective solution. They baptised each squirrel and registered all of them as members of their church. As a result, the squirrels can now only be seen at Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter. 
 
Not bad, not bad at all, thought those in charge of the Jewish Synagogue. The head rabbi rubbed his hands and said: ‘We can do better!’ Quietly, they caught one of the male squirrels and after a short service of dedication circumcised him. No more squirrels were ever seen anywhere near the Synagogue.

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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24244 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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lol! That must have been where they had the Arts and Craft sale from the Churches. Most items were $5 or under. That is until they came to the Synagogue's Table. Dradles, little Minora's, and stuff all $5, but there was a small Change Purse there for $100. "Hey, what's the story with the little wallet for $100?" I said. "Oh, That! It is made out of foreskins! You rub it and it changes into a Suitcase!!!!" [ducks Tomatoes an' runs...]

Edited by alpha+omega 9/4/2013 6:56 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24264 - in reply to #24244)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Where are my tomatoes???
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24266 - in reply to #24244)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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that's an old joke A+O, when I heard it some years ago, it was to be a retirement present for a Moyle (is that how you spell the Yiddish word?)

never was sure if it had anti-Semitic undertones or not ...

(Exeunt, pursued by a bear..)

Edited by Paul Joseph 9/8/2013 11:02 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24322 - in reply to #24266)
Subject: Gaffiti LIves!



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From ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24337 - in reply to #24322)
Subject: RE: Gaffiti Lives!



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More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

Make love not war.
See driver for details.
(On the back of a van)

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24478 - in reply to #24337)
Subject: RE: Gaffiti Lives!



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More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24546 - in reply to #24478)
Subject: RE: Graffiti Lives!



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More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

Do not adjust your mind!
There is a fault in reality.

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24622 - in reply to #24546)
Subject: Growing Older



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‘Many a man who couldn’t direct you to the corner shop when he was thirty, will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.’ Finlay Dunne
 
‘Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.’ Anon.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24638 - in reply to #24622)
Subject: Letter to the Bank Manager



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The following is a letter that really was sent by an eighty-six year old woman to her bank manager. He found it so amusing that he decided to have it published in the Times.
 
Dear Sir:
 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
 
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by a cheque that is addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you will have to nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
 
Please find attached an Application for Contact, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order for me to know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
 
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure. The mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
 
Immediately After Dialling, Press The Star (*) Button For English
 
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
 
#2. To query a missing payment.
 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
 
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
 
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. This password will be sent to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact person.
 
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9.
 
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
 
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
 
Your Humble Client.
 
 
P.S. Remember not to make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to cheese us off entirely.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24648 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Overcrowding In Heaven

Heaven had become so overcrowded that it was decided that for one day only people would be accepted who had really had a bad day when they departed from the Earth plane. This is how it came about that St Peter was standing at the pearly gates and asked the next man who appeared before him: ‘Tell me about the day you died.’

‘Oh, it was awful!’ the man replied. ‘Because I was convinced that my wife was having an affair, I came home early to catch her in flagrante. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find anything. So I took a look at the balcony, we live on the 25th floor. Lo and behold! I found a man who was hanging over the edge by his fingertips, so I quickly fetched a hammer and started hitting his hands. With a mighty scream the man let go. He landed in some bushes, so I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of all this gave me a heart attack, and I died.’ St. Peter couldn’t deny that this really had been a bad day and because he was dealing with a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He turned to the next man in line. ‘It was awful,’ this one said. ‘I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I had to let go, but luckily I landed in some bushes. To crown it all, someone dropped a refrigerator on me!’ He too was allowed into Heaven.

Turning to the next man, St Peter said: ‘Tell me about the day you died.’ Back came the reply: ‘I was naked and hiding inside a refrigerator . . .’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24674 - in reply to #24648)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Grading Test Papers

From a catholic elementary school test. The children were asked questions about the Old and the New Testament. The following twenty-five statements are the children’s original work, without any corrections. The incorrect spelling was left intentionally.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.


14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24677 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The New Seniors’ Exam Paper

For a pass only four correct answers out of the ten questions are needed.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Here are the answers:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24692 - in reply to #24677)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Offspring
 
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

‘My son,’ said one proudly, ‘has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.’

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. ‘He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.’

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

‘To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned out,’ he replies. ‘For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.’

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, ‘but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.’
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24709 - in reply to #24692)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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‘Growing old is not nice, but it is interesting.’ Maurice Chevalier
 
‘Getting old is not so bad when you consider the alternative.’ Maurice Chevalier

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24806 - in reply to #24709)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Heteronyms

In linguistics, a heteronym (also known as a heterophone) is a word that is written identically but has a different pronunciation and meaning. In other words, they are homographs that are not homophones. Thus, row (propel with oars) and row (argument) are heteronyms, but mean (intend) and mean (average) are not (since they are pronounced the same). Heteronym pronunciation may vary in vowel realisation, in stress pattern (see also Initial-stress-derived noun), or in other ways.
  
1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce  produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse  .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he  would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in  the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it  was time to
    present the present .
8) A bass was  painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove  into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The  insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the  oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close  it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A  seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with  planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong  for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I  shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of  tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate  friend?

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no  egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in  pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries  in France
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t  sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its  paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are  square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a  pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t  fing, grocers don’t
groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of  tooth is teeth, why
isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2  geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem  crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch  of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call  it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an  asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a  play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have  noses that run and feet that smell.

How can a slim chance  and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are  opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in  which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a  form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going  on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and  it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not  a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,  but when the
lights are out, they are  invisible.

PS. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with  ’quick’?

And then there is a two-letter word that  perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is  ’UP.’

It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the  sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why  do we wake UP ? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we  speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to  the secretary to write UP
a report? We call UP our friends. And we use  it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver; we warm UP the  leftovers and clean UP the
kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys  fix UP the old car. At
other times the little word has real special  meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an  appetite, and think UP
excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be  dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is  stopped UP . We open UP a
store in the morning but we close it UP at  night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To  be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in
the  dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the  page and
can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it,  you might
try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will  take UP a
lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP  with a
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is  clouding UP . When the sun
comes out we say it is clearing UP .   When it rains, it wets the earth
and often messes things UP . When it  doesn’t rain for awhile, things
dry UP .

One could  go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP ,  
so.......it is time to shut UP !

Now it’s UP to you  what you do with this.
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24895 - in reply to #24806)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
A little boy who was with his mother in a doctor’s waiting room walked over to a pregnant lady. After having taken a good look at her, he asked why her tummy was so big. ‘Because I’m having a baby,’ she replied with a smile.
 
The boy thought about this for a moment, then said: ‘Is the baby in your tummy?’ She confirmed that it was. This seemed to puzzle the lad, so he asked: ‘Is your baby a good one?’
 
‘Well yes, it surely is,’ replied the lady.
 
With a surprised and shocked look on his face, the boy replied: ‘Then why have you eaten it?’
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24916 - in reply to #24895)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Memories

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favourite ‘fast food’ when you were growing up?’ ‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him. ‘All food was slow.’ ‘Come on, seriously.. Where did you eat?’ ‘It was a place called ‘home,’ I explained. ‘Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’ By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I thought I’d better not tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some of the other things I would have told him about my childhood if had thought his system could have handled it:

Many parents never owned their house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card. My parents never drove me to school. I was glad to have a bicycle that weighed about fifty pounds. It only had one speed and that was slow.

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was tne and then it was black and white. All stations, of which there weren’t many, closed down at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue. They came back on the air at about 6 am and then there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on that featured local people and their interests.

Pizzas were unknown and certainly not delivered to our home, but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and most boys delivered newspapers. My brother did this, seven days a week. He had to get up at six every morning.

Film stars kissed each other with their mouths shut. In the films that is. There were no movie ratings because all of them were produced responsibly, so that everyone could enjoy them without having to see and listen to profanity, sex and violence.

From the memories of one of my friends. My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died recently) and brought me an old lemonade bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to sprinkle clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons.

How many of these things do you remember?
  • Headlight dip-switches on the floor of cars.
  • Ignition switches on the dashboard.
  • Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
  • Soldering irons that had to be heated on a gas burner.
  • Using hand signals for cars before indicators were invented..

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

  1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Pubs with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test picture that came on at night after the last show and were there until start-up next morning. At first there were only two channels.
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tubs with wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell anyone your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You’re ancient!

I must be ancient, and am glad of it, because the memories of the above things go back to some of the best parts of my life.

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Edited by Aquarius 3/12/2014 7:47 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24941 - in reply to #24916)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Exercise Is Good For You!
 
A man meets one of his neighbours and tells him that he is going to take up exercise because he has heard that this adds years to one’s life. They meet again the following day and the neighbour asks how the new routine is going. ‘It works,’ came the reply. ‘I ran round the block three times yesterday and already I feel ten years older.’

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Edited by Aquarius 3/22/2014 1:43 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24973 - in reply to #24941)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
100050010010010010025
Location: United Kingdom
Here is something that is not really a chuckle, but is sure to put a smile on your face.

Springtime In Your Very Own Flower Garden

Spring has only just arrived on the calendar and outside and not many flowers have appeared so far, on the Internet you can make it happen!

Please, click on the link below and up comes a blank black page. Click your cursor anywhere on this page. Move it to and fro and watch the magic of your flower garden unfold.



Enjoy!


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Edited by Aquarius 4/6/2014 6:11 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24994 - in reply to #24973)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
100050010010010010025
Location: United Kingdom
From The Mouths Of Children

 A new teacher was trying to make use of what she had learned in her psychology studies. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, One of the children stood up. The teacher said: ‘Do you think you’re stupid?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

* * *

 A little boy watched with fascination as his mother smoothed cold cream onto her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘Are you giving up?’ asked the lad.

* * *

A kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ With a puzzled look on its face the child replied: ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

* * *

A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ The father replied: ‘Whenever I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. With a worried look on his face, the lad replied: ‘Dad, I think the Parcel Force man wants to buy mum.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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