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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26807 - in reply to #26806)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4k8gp92Tag

Thanks Aquarius - here are a few of his more recent tricks ... the final one on this selection - on top of the Shard, London's newest highest building (if you can bother to sit through the long advertisement) is quite astonishing ... hope you enjoy ...



Edited by Paul Joseph 12/14/2015 6:18 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26808 - in reply to #26807)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Questions That Cannot Be Answered

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they someone ‘slept like a baby’, when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Why is it that a man walked on the moon before someone figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

And did you ever wonder about these?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say: ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say: ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that emerges from its behind.

Why do toasters always have a setting that is so high that it burns the toast into an inedible state?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their behind when they want to know where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto walks on all fours? After all, they’re both dogs.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Stop singing and read on.

Do illiterate people get any benefit from eating Alphabetti?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, it gets mad at you, but when you take it on a car ride, it wants to stick its head out of the window?

Does pressing the lift button more than once make it go faster?

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26823 - in reply to #26808)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Rabbit Chase
 
The Los Angeles Police Department, known as LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are each trying to prove that they are best at apprehending criminals, so the President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells each department to catch it.
 
First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist in this forest.
 
Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies because in their view the rabbit had it coming.
 
Finally, the LAPD goes in. Two hours later they emerge with a badly beaten bear who is yelling: ‘Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!’
 
* * *
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Supernatural3
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26824 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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That sums it up quite well! :P

Blessings~
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26827 - in reply to #26824)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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We Are Survivors
 
Dedicated to those born before 1940
 
We were born before TV, penicillin, polio and flu shots, frozen food, Zerox, plastic, contact lenses, videos, Frisbees, and the pill. We were there before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and – just think – before a man walked on the Moon.
 
We got married first and then lived together! How quaint can you get? We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a Big Mac was an over-sized raincoat, and crumpet we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating and dual careers. A meaningful relationship meant getting along with one’s cousins. Sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus. We were there before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies had been thought of. We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and men wearing earrings. For us time-sharing meant togetherness. A chip was a piece of wood or fried potato. To us, hardware was nuts and bolts and software was a word that had not been invented.
 
Before 1940, Made in Japan meant junk. Making out referred to how you did in your exams. Stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt. Going all the way meant staying on a double-decker bus until you reached the depot. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were still unheard of. Cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in the coal-house, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays, pot was something you cooked in. Crack was a small opening or, if you were Irish and having fun, it was spelt craic and meant just that, fun. Rock music was a grandmother’s lullaby. A snort was something a horse did and LSD meant Pounds, Shillings and Pence.
 
Considering how the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make, you have to admit that those of us born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch! No wonder we are so confused and that there is a generation gap between us and the youngsters of today. Yet, with the Grace of God, we have survived!
 
Alleluia!
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26842 - in reply to #26827)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Story For Christmas

If there had been three wise women instead of men, the following would have happened:

• They would have asked directions.

• Arrived on time.

• Helped deliver the baby.

• Cleaned the stable.

• Made a casserole.

• Brought practical gifts.

• And there would have been peace on Earth.

Nonetheless

Happy Christmas!

* * *

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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26853 - in reply to #26842)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hi Aquarius

Thanks for postings ... just curious, what is the difference between the purpose of this thread that you started originally, and the other one you also started, way back when: 'Don't take it all too seriously'?

As for wise women and wise men, so are you making the assumption that women never come into conflict?

Happy New Year

Ophiucus
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26854 - in reply to #26853)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Ophiucus,

No, it's not at all like that. I must have opened a new thread for this kind of thing at some time, without realising that I already had another one. If it were possible to join the two threads together, that really would be something. Now there's a challenge for you!

Meanwhile I'll continue to occasionally post on one or the other.

With love - Aquarius

* * *

P.S. Just checked it and yes, this thread was opened 28th May 2008 and the other one 13th Januar 2009. 



Edited by Aquarius 12/30/2015 6:46 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26855 - in reply to #26854)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Zoo Job
 
An out of work actor is trying to earn some money as a mime. In his new role as street performer, one day he ventures into a zoo and gives one of his displays. People seem to like his efforts and in no time at all a good crowd has gathered around him. One of the zoo keepers who has kept an eye on him, suddenly has an idea. Grabbing the actor by his arm, he drags him into his office and explains to him that one of the zoo’s most popular attractions, a gorilla, has died suddenly. Because he, the keeper, is afraid that the zoo’s attendance figures might drop rapidly, would the mime be interested in dressing up as the gorilla, until they can find a replacement for the real one. The rate of pay offered is good and he has nothing to lose, so the mime accepts.
 
The next morning he puts on a gorilla suit and enters his cage before the crowds appear. It doesn’t take him long to discover that this is the best job he’s ever had. It allows him to sleep as much as he wants, to play and make fun of people, and on top of all that he is drawing much bigger crowds than he ever did before.
 
After a while, however, people have had enough of seeing the gorilla doing the same things over and over gain, and quite frankly, he too is as sick and tired of them as they are. People wander off and start to take more interest in a lion in the cage next to the gorilla’s. Not wanting to lose his audience, the mine climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across the partition and dangles himself down from the top into the lion’s cage. This infuriates the king of the animals no end, but the crowds just love it.
 
At the end of that same day the zoo raises the mime’s pay for being such a good attraction. Day by day, he keeps on taunting the lion and their crowds grow ever bigger. In keeping with his success, the mime’s salary goes up and up, until one fine day, when he is dangling too precariously over the furious lion, he slips and falls.
 
The lion gathers its wits instantly and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he can’t think of anything but running round and round the cage with the lion in hot pursuit. Finally, the mime is so out of breath that he can run no more. ‘Help me, help me!’ he screams. With the speed of lightning the lion pounces on him and with one mighty sweep of its paw places the intruder flat on his back. Looking up into the angry animal’s face, the mine hears the lion mutter under his breath: ‘Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get both of us fired?’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26883 - in reply to #26855)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Medical Problem
 
An elderly lady was suffering from an embarrassing problem and went to her doctor to see whether anything could be done about it. ‘It’s terrible, Doctor, it’s happening all the time,’ she told him. Fortunately, they’re soundless and they don’t smell. As a matter of fact, since being in this room it happened no less than twenty times. Can you help me, please?’
 
‘Oh yes, I think I can,’ the doctor said. ‘I shall give you a prescription for some pills. Take them three times a day for seven days, then come and see me again.’
 
The lady followed the doctor’s instructions and then visited him again. She was almost in tears when she told him: ‘I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is much worse. I’m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible. What do you have to say for yourself?’
 
‘Calm down,’ the doctor replied soothingly. ‘Now we’ve fixed your sinuses, let’s see what we can do for your hearing. When that’s been done, we shall attend to your digestion.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26898 - in reply to #26883)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Tale Of The Parrot

A young man received a parrot as a gift, but unfortunately it turned out that the bird had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Just about every word that came out of its beak was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanities. John tried in vain to change the bird’s habits by consistently saying only polite things, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s behaviour.

Finally, the man got so fed up that he shouted at the bird, but the parrot only yelled back. The man shook the parrot and that made the bird even angrier and more rude. In his desperation the man got hold of the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed, but suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, the man opened the freezer door. The bird calmly stepped out onto his outstretched arm and said: ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my outrageous conduct.’

Stunned at the change in the bird’s behaviour, the man was about to ask the parrot what had caused it, but the bird continued: ‘May I ask what the turkey did?’
* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26901 - in reply to #26898)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Cruise Of The U.S.S. Codfish

We have a show in Chicago called, ‘The Silent Service’ and it’s about the submarines and peace and war. They had one on about two weeks ago and it dealt with this nuclear submarine, which went around the world for two years and never pulled into port. It was sort of an endurance test for the sailors to find out how they would react under these situations. And the whole thing was kind of summed up in the last five minutes by the captain of the submarine, and he gave an address to the crew just as they were about to surface after completing this two year trip and it went something like this. . .


Men, I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved ones. . . in some cases your wives. . . but we have a few moments before we surface and I’ve just jotted down some things that I think are kind of important, I wouldn’t take the time if I didn’t. First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks a standing ovation for the wonderful job they’ve done. So, if you men want to stand now and let’s really hear it for the cooks.

I don’t think you men realize the difficult problem it is aboard a submarine to. . . uh. . . you men want to stand now for the cooks ? Come on now men, let’s let by-gones be by-gones and let’s hear it for the cooks, huh?

Look men, I’m not going to surface until I hear it for the cooks!!!

Alright, that is a little better. Today, as we add another glorious page to the history of the U.S.S. Codfish, I think it is important that we reflect on some of the past glories of the Codfish. . . uh. . . I don’t know how many of you men know this, but the Codfish holds a record for the most Japanese tonnage sunk. Being comprised of five freighters and fifteen aircraft carriers. A truly enviable record. Unfortunately, they were sunk in 1954. However, it stands as the largest peacetime tonnage ever recorded. Our voyage has received a lot of coverage in the newspaper and I would like to present our side of it. . . I think our firing on Miami Beach can best be termed ill-timed. It happened on what they call in the newspaper business a slow news day and as a result received a lot more space than I think it deserved -- since it was the off-season down there.

Men, I think you will agree, I have been pretty lax as far as discipline is concerned, and golly nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned. Now we have looked in the torpedo tubes, we have looked in your bags and uh . . . I mean it’s been over two weeks, men and I. . . we’re just lucky that it wasn’t the navigational officer or someone real important like that.

Uh. . . looking back on the mutiny, I think a lot of the trouble stemmed from the fact that you men weren’t coming to me with your problems. . . as I told you, the door to my office is always open. I think you know why it’s always open -- that was stolen, I’d like that returned. It looks like the work of the same man.

But since started the cruise on such a low note, I think it is important that we try to end it on a high note. . . and to me there is, there is nothing more impressive in the Navy as a submarine that breaks water to see a bunch of sailors in their dress blues as they come rushing up out of the. . . oh. . . the uh . . . that, that hole there, uh . . . and come to a parade dress. This, this to me is one of the, oh. . . oh, alright. . .

Men, I have just been notified that we will be surfacing in just a moment and uh. . . you might be happy to know that you will be gazing on the familiar skyline of either New York City or Buenos Aires . . . is that right ? I can’t quite make that out.. dismissed men – that’s all.

From the Bob Newheart CD ‘Something Like This’



* * *



The Cruise Of The U.S.S. Codfish
 
We have a show in Chicago called, ‘The Silent Service’ and it’s about the submarines and peace and war. They had one on about two weeks ago and it dealt with this nuclear submarine, which went around the world for two years and never pulled into port. It was sort of an endurance test for the sailors to find out how they would react under these situations. And the whole thing was kind of summed up in the last five minutes by the captain of the submarine, and he gave an address to the crew just as they were about to surface after completing this two year trip and it went something like this. . .
 
Men, I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved ones. . . in some cases your wives. . . but we have a few moments before we surface and I’ve just jotted down some things that I think are kind of important, I wouldn’t take the time if I didn’t. First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks a standing ovation for the wonderful job they’ve done. So, if you men want to stand now and let’s really hear it for the cooks.
 
I don’t think you men realize the difficult problem it is aboard a submarine to. . . uh. . . you men want to stand now for the cooks ? Come on now men, let’s let by-gones be by-gones and let’s hear it for the cooks, huh?
 
Look men, I’m not going to surface until I hear it for the cooks!!!
 
Alright, that is a little better. Today, as we add another glorious page to the history of the U.S.S. Codfish, I think it is important that we reflect on some of the past glories of the Codfish. . . uh. . . I don’t know how many of you men know this, but the Codfish holds a record for the most Japanese tonnage sunk. Being comprised of five freighters and fifteen aircraft carriers. A truly enviable record. Unfortunately, they were sunk in 1954. However, it stands as the largest peacetime tonnage ever recorded. Our voyage has received a lot of coverage in the newspaper and I would like to present our side of it. . . I think our firing on Miami Beach can best be termed ill-timed. It happened on what they call in the newspaper business a slow news day and as a result received a lot more space than I think it deserved -- since it was the off-season down there.
 
Men, I think you will agree, I have been pretty lax as far as discipline is concerned, and golly nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned. Now we have looked in the torpedo tubes, we have looked in your bags and uh . . . I mean it’s been over two weeks, men and I. . . we’re just lucky that it wasn’t the navigational officer or someone real important like that.
 
Uh. . . looking back on the mutiny, I think a lot of the trouble stemmed from the fact that you men weren’t coming to me with your problems. . . as I told you, the door to my office is always open. I think you know why it’s always open -- that was stolen, I’d like that returned. It looks like the work of the same man.
 
But since started the cruise on such a low note, I think it is important that we try to end it on a high note. . . and to me there is, there is nothing more impressive in the Navy as a submarine that breaks water to see a bunch of sailors in their dress blues as they come rushing up out of the. . . oh. . . the uh . . . that, that hole there, uh . . . and come to a parade dress. This, this to me is one of the, oh. . . oh, alright. . .
 
Men, I have just been notified that we will be surfacing in just a moment and uh. . . you might be happy to know that you will be gazing on the familiar skyline of either New York City or Buenos Aires . . . is that right ? I can’t quite make that out.. dismissed men – that’s all.
 
From the Bob Newheart CD ‘Something Like This’
 

* * * 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26931 - in reply to #26901)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Radio Conversation

The following exchange is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.

•    Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

•    Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

•    This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

•    No. I say again, you divert your course.

•    This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are a large warship of the US navy. Divert your course now!

•    This is a lighthouse. Your call.

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26935 - in reply to #26931)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Nostalgia Machine



Welcome to a trip down the musical memory lane!

Please follow the link below and enjoy:

‘The Nostalgia Machine’

* * *
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26937 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hello Aukwah.........some good solid stuff, that.........
Nostalgic for Nostalgia,
Marty
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26940 - in reply to #26937)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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mruppert - 1/23/2016 6:37 AM . . . Nostalgic for Nostalgia, Marty

Three cheers to that!

Aquarius

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26944 - in reply to #26940)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Sportsman Double


A man ended up with an older woman at a club one night and thought she looked pretty good for a fifty year old.

They drank a bit, well more than a bit, and had a snuggle. Then she asked him if he ever had taken part in a ‘Sportsman Double?’

‘What's that?’ he asked.

‘It's a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

‘Oh!’ he replied and his mind began to embrace the idea. ‘No, I haven't.’

He wondered what the daughter might look like and thought if she took after her mother she had to be pretty hot.

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink: ‘Tonight is your lucky night.’

They went back to her place and walked in.

Turning on the hall light, she shouted up the stairs:

‘Mother, are you still awake?’

* * *




Edited by Aquarius 1/25/2016 7:52 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26962 - in reply to #26944)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The All Girl Biker Bar
 
An blind old cowboy one day wandered by mistake into an all-girl biker bar. Placing himself a barstool, he ordered a shot of whiskey. After sitting there for a while, he shouted to the bartender: ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
 
 
The bar fell silent. After a moment, a deep husky woman’s voice next to him said: ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair – given that you are blind – that you should know five things:
 
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
 
2. The bouncer also has fair hair.
 
3. I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman who weighs 175-pounds and has a black belt in karate.
 
4. The woman next to me is blonde professional weight lifter.
 
5. And the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
 
Think about this seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ Considering this for a second, he shook his head and muttered to himself: ‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
 
* * *
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26963 - in reply to #26962)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Well I am not quite sure to what phantasies those last two posts of yours appeal, or are designed to appeal, but my mind boggles and I am but a bear of small brain (in the words of Winnie the Pooh)...

By the way, was there a juke box?

Yours in the forest under the name of Saunders

PJ

Edited by Paul Joseph 2/1/2016 3:11 PM
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26964 - in reply to #26931)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Just catching up, when I first heard the report of that reported radio conversation (post (#26931 ), the lighthouse was in Ireland. Maybe it was the craic. But it's a very good story.

Edited by Paul Joseph 2/1/2016 3:15 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26969 - in reply to #26963)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Paul Joseph - 2/1/2016 9:09 PM Dear Aquarius Well I am not quite sure to what phantasies those last two posts of yours appeal, or are designed to appeal, but my mind boggles and I am but a bear of small brain (in the words of Winnie the Pooh)... By the way, was there a juke box? Yours in the forest under the name of Saunders PJ

To me, the last two postings on this thread are simply good little tales. Jokes - craic, as they say in Ireland. There's no need for them to be true, is there? That's all.

Do you mean was there a juke box in the All Girl Biker Bar? If so, what difference would that make to anything? 

With love - Aquarius

* * *

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26970 - in reply to #26969)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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No no i did not think they were meant to be true, was just playing with the unconscious contents evoked ... but that is just me ... no offence meant or hopefully taken ... as for juke boxes, was it not you and Marty being nostalgic treading the boards above?
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 4:05 PM (#27050 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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All

In anticipation of early spring cleaning I have merged this thread with, How about a little light relief thread. Please use this one for posting jokes but I am becoming minded to freeze this one as I cannot see the metaphysical humorous point of some postings, so please be aware of that in time to come.

Blessings
Ophiucus
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Aquarius
Posted 2/22/2016 1:01 PM (#27060 - in reply to #27050)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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‘May we all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we see as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate and annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our brothers and our sisters in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the warming beam of humour. But in humour, the same as in all things, it is necessary to be wise, so let yours never be of the unkind but of the kind variety.’
 
White Eagle ‘On Festivals & Celebrations’
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/23/2016 7:00 AM (#27068 - in reply to #27050)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Posts: 1938
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Ophiucus - 2/20/2016 10:05 PM All In anticipation of early spring cleaning I have merged this thread with, How about a little light relief thread. Please use this one for posting jokes but I am becoming minded to freeze this one as I cannot see the metaphysical humorous point of some postings, so please be aware of that in time to come. Blessings Ophiucus

Dear Ophiucus,

If the two threads are thorns in your flesh, why not just delete and remove both of them completely?

You have my permission, should you need it.

With love - Aquarius

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Edited by Aquarius 2/23/2016 7:01 AM
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