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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26000 - in reply to #25986)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Woman Speaks Out
 
He didn’t like my casseroles
And he didn’t like my cake.
Claimed my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
 
I didn’t perk the coffee right
And he didn’t like the stew.
I didn’t mend his socks
Like his mother used to do.
 
Looking for an answer
I didn’t get a clue,
So I gave him a quick thrashing,
Like his mother used to do.
 
* * *
 
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26053 - in reply to #26000)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Richard Lederer Reflects

 

Some time ago, I illuminated old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included don’t touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record and hung out to dry. Many readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We’d cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers’ lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when was the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

Like Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut’s Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, ‘I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!’ or ‘This is a fine kettle of fish!’, we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed as omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues, pens and keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth. We left them behind. We blink, and they’re gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder’s monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defence. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I’ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had pills. It can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart’s deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have archaic and eat it too.

Richard Lederer is an American author, speaker and teacher. He is best known for his books on the English language and on word play such as puns, oxymorons and anagrams. He refers to himself as ‘the Wizard of Idiom,’ ‘Attila the Pun’ and ‘Conan the Grammarian.’ His weekly column, ‘Looking at Language’, is syndicated in newspapers and magazines throughout the United States.

 

* * *



Edited by Aquarius 4/2/2015 1:30 PM
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26054 - in reply to #26053)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Unexpected surprise! Richard and I are in  a "club" together. Other countries notwithstanding, there is a British counterpart that has a stimulating newsletter.

 

Marty and LuckyLee 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26060 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Ophiucus,

I don't think there is any need to worry about the copyright for the article from 'Madazine'. It belongs to my best friend, who gave me his permission. I asked him before posting it here. I hope that this is enough.

As far as the 'Inscrutable' is concerned, I have removed the offending word and offer my apologies to anyone who may have been offended by it. 

With love - Aquarius



Edited by Aquarius 4/4/2015 7:35 AM
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26062 - in reply to #26060)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Many thanks indeed and for such a fast response!

I am always saying one should not make any assumptions about anything and there, I went ahead and did (ie, assumed you did not have permission..)

Apologies for my oversight in that and am really grateful for your input on this

Every good wish now and for Easter and after too

Warm regards

Ophiucus
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26064 - in reply to #26062)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Ophiucus,

And thank your for your prompt response, too. Your words remind me of an old saying that goes something like this: ‘Don’t ever assume anything. It makes an ass out of you and me.’  Be that as it may, do you mind if I post the Madazine item again?

Meanwhile, happy Easter to you and yours,

With love – Aquarius

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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26066 - in reply to #26064)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Certainly, please feel free to repost the article

Warm regards

O

ps, but just for future reference for everyone, the onus is on the individual posting an item to make any copyright references clear; the moderators have only what we can see posted to base our decisions on, and removing posts is never undertaken lightly. Although we generally tend to 'assume' that what is presented is in good faith....
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26067 - in reply to #26066)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Thank you, dear Ophiucus. I will do so shortly.

With love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26079 - in reply to #26067)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Here is the item you removed the other day, dear Ophiucus.

It’s, You Know, Sort Of Tautological

Assiduous as I am in trying to keep abreast of trends, I consider it one of my self-imposed duties to listen to radio broadcasts featuring the chattering classes. I used to get some nourishment from this pastime, but have noticed lately that the stimulus level is falling. Why? I think the reason is that I find myself paying more attention to presentation than to content. I am increasingly distracted by the frequent use of pleonasms and fashionable words and phrases. Instead of concentrating on the doubtless worthy thoughts put forward, I dwell ever more on the ways they are expressed. Consumed by the fear that this near-obsession might cause me to miss something important, I decided to try to purge myself of it by devoting a week to ignoring substance and paying attention to speech only.

The first thing that struck me was that if the words ‘incredible’ and ‘incredibly’ were to be expunged from the vocabularies of the professional talkers, nothing would be lost, and arguably not much left – joke! I heard of things that were ‘incredibly interesting’, ‘incredibly unique’ and ‘incredibly authentic’, so fell to wondering why, if everything is unbelievable, we need to consider accepting anything we hear or read.

Next, I noted the number of times that people would ‘never, ever’ do or say this, that or the other. There were twenty-three examples of this in the broadcasts I heard. If one would never do or say something, why does the ‘ever’ keep popping up? Then I was struck by the ‘you know’ and ‘sort of’ syndromes. In one splendid example, I timed a woman who was particularly addicted to the former. In two short bursts of speech, totalling three minutes and twenty-odd seconds, she said it thirty-seven times, which must make her a championship contender. Next in line was a man who racked up twenty-four ‘you knows’ in two minutes and fifty-five seconds. I will not dwell on the ‘sort of’ area, as it is too depressing.

The number of ‘and also’ appearances was striking. I lost count after forty-odd doses, but wondered why, if one ‘ands’ something, one must ‘also’ it too. In all of the cases I noted, both words meant ‘in addition to’. Not being an expert in these matters, I may have missed a vital distinction.

I trawled up a nice collection of miscellaneous items. There were three instances of something or other providing a ‘positive benefit’, which caused me to ponder on why anyone might consider a benefit as negative. The same reasoning applied to another gem, ‘negative asset’. I had always thought that the opposite of asset was liability, but perhaps I am out of touch.

There was an impressive number of comments regarding ‘cheap’ or ‘dear’ prices. I was under the impression that prices were high or low, and that the goods or services in question were cheap or dear. Similarly, there were several cases of ‘cold’ or ‘warm’ temperatures. Are they not low or high, the weather being cold or warm? And what about ‘an attempt to try’ to do something? Is an attempt not a try?

Another type of expression used on several occasions concerned times of day. I noted ‘two/three/six a.m. in the morning’ and ‘eleven p.m. at night’. And let me not forget one little beauty delivered by a chap representing a charity. Speaking about the unfortunate victims of a mishap, he said that his organisation had offered them ‘help, aid and assistance’, but did not say which of these methods of support they chose.

There were some other oddities. First, a comment about ‘poisonous toxins’. Are there any non-poisonous ones? Second, a remark about a project which was running up a bill of ‘an annual £1.2bn a year’. Need one say more? Third, another enterprise was described as a ‘costly, expensive’ undertaking. Fourth, there were several references to ‘a few moments’. If a moment is a brief but undefined length of time, how does anybody distinguish between one and several? Fifth, I heard two observations relating to hot-water – or hot water – heaters. If the speakers intended to imply a hyphen, does one need to heat hot water? If no hyphen was intended, are we to assume that the heater itself was hot? We are surely concerned with the water, so should we not refer to a water heater?

I hope nobody reading this will mind too much if I slip in three items not directly related to my theme. First, I would like to see my television newscasters and commentators on current affairs doing a little less nodding while they speak. Perhaps they think this adds emphasis to what they have to say. Not to me. When I talk to people, I do not notice them behaving like demented donkeys.

Second, I do not care to have weather reporters flouncing around as though affected by Saint Vitus’ Dance, while saying that the ‘best’ temperatures – that thermometer again – will be in one place or another. Best for whom? That is surely a personal matter. Let me say in fairness that the weather people do notice criticism and often react by making adjustments. In that respect, they do better than many others. Good work!

Third, I am not happy with the offerings of certain disc jockeys in the classical music field. Until a short time ago, I listened regularly to a 24/7 programme featuring in the main pleasantly subdued presenters. There were the following glaring exceptions:

Number one was a man who introduced his next delight by what I believe is called plonking, saying things like “Last week I was in Milan, I saw a football match, followed by a visit to La Scala, where I heard the fabulous . . .. “ Number two was an astoundingly bubbly woman who gave me the impression that she was repeatedly wheeled away from her perch while music was played, then returned after getting an injection of high spirits. Number three was a lady who seemed to have difficulty in getting to the end of any sentence. Her words kept dribbling out, reminding me of a tap with a faulty washer. For nearly half an hour I got some amusement from guessing when she had arrived at a full stop. I failed, the final score being 6:3 in her favour.

I have rambled here more than somewhat and would like to avoid leaving myself open to charges of excessive punctiliousness, as I am sure I have my faults in terms of usage of our language. However, I do think that we in the Anglosphere, having originated the world’s main method of communication, might be a little more careful about how we handle it. By the way, I wonder how long it will be before the media people succeed in eliminating the first ‘r’ from February – they seem to be intent on transferring it to law(r) and order, or draw(r)ing room.

From ‘Madazine’

With the kind permission of the author.

* * *
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26081 - in reply to #26079)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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QED

Namaste

O
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26083 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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If you would like some proof that I have the author's permission, please let me know and I will send you his telephone number by private message.

Namaste

A

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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26084 - in reply to #26083)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Not at all, I have complete trust in you - that is not what my little joke meant!

Warm regards

Ophiucus
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Supernatural3
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26087 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I second that!!!! I love ya!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26093 - in reply to #26084)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Ophiucus - 4/7/2015 8:57 PM Dear Aquarius Not at all, I have complete trust in you - that is not what my little joke meant! Warm regards Ophiucus

Dear Ophiucus,

Thank you. I didn't think you that's what you meant, but thought to tell you - just in case.

With love - Aquarius

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26094 - in reply to #26087)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Supernatural3 - 4/7/2015 9:56 PM I second that!!!! I love ya!

Dear Jill,

Thank you for your vote of confidence and I love ya, too.

Aquarius


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Supernatural3
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26158 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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(((( WARM HUGS ))))
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26169 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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An anonymous limerick that I came across years ago in "A Little Treasury of Modern Light Verse", now sadly out of print:

There was a faith healer of Deal
Who said, "Although pain is not real,
When I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel"

Happy May Day All!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26170 - in reply to #26169)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I like it! Thank you for sharing.

 With love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26305 - in reply to #26170)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Hairy Bikers Tale

Five hairy bikers went into a bar where a lone small man was peacefully eating a pie and having a drink. They pestered the chap for a while and finally their leader put out a cigarette in the poor fellow’s nearly full glass. The man got up and walked out without saying a word. After convulsing themselves with laughter, the bikers ordered lagers and the leader grinned at the barman: ‘Not much of a fighter, that one, eh?’ ‘No,’ replied the barman. ‘Not much of a driver, either. He’s just backed a forty-tonner over your bikes.’

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26797 - in reply to #26305)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Married Girl’s Night Out

A while ago, I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed so pleasantly and the Margaritas went down oh so easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, to put it mildly, I headed for home. Just as I got in through our front door, the cuckoo clock in the hall called out three times. Even in my advanced state I realised that this would probably wake up my husband, so when the clock stopped I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in spite of the fact that I was almost totally smashed, to avoid creating a conflict situation with my man.

When he asked me the next morning what time I had got home, I casually replied: ‘At midnight.’ Because he didn’t seem angry at all, I secretly congratulated myself on my ingenuity and thought: ‘Phew! I got away with that one!’

Yet, he seemed to be pondering on something for a moment. After a pause of a few seconds, he surprised me with the news: ‘I believe we need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he replied: ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said: ‘Oh bubbles!’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and let off some wind!’

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26802 - in reply to #26797)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Today I have something for you that isn't exactly a joke, but it's interesting and I hope you may find it enjoyable.

The Guess Your Number Game

Please click the link below and see what happens.

‘Guess Your Number’

If you scroll down, I shall let you in on the secret of how it’s done.

No cheating please!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*


So, how does the house know the number you have chosen? It can actually be worked out by the process of elimination. The game works by a flash application that is set up in such a way that it can easily determine which number you picked. You are actually telling it – no need really for saying the number out loud – the choices you are making, as you go along.

Lets say you pick 17 which is blue. First thing you tell it is the colour of the number you have chosen. With that, it knows that it is either 3, 4, 10, 17 or 18.

The second time you pick a colour does nothing to help it figure out your answer. Like saying the numbers out loud, this bit is just a bit of smoke and mirrors.

The place where it asks you to pick a house with your number in it, that is where it can assess the number of your choice.

Say, if you picked 17, you would click house c. Since 17 is the only blue number in that house, the system knows at this point what your number is, because the houses only have one number from each colour group in them. This is a practical application for the process of elimination.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *


Edited by Aquarius 12/12/2015 7:53 AM
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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26803 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Old hat, aquarius. Magic is entertaining. But, truth is more wonderfully satisfying. I am not sure it makes good light relief. Have you ever noticed how serious magicians appear? I want to share something that I find entertaining, and listened to last night:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

I find that The attitude of being a leaf on the shoulders of a mighty stream can have some wonderful metaphysics. Like listening to the last two cars pass each other on the street under a night sky, Stillness: A peace in the middle of chaos. This is more important than light relief. If I cannot care, I should not laugh. It is hard to care without peace.

cause
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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26804 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Old hat, aquarius. Magic is entertaining. But, truth is more wonderfully satisfying. I am not sure it makes good light relief. Have you ever noticed how serious magicians appear? I want to share something that I find entertaining, and listened to last night:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

I find that The attitude of being a leaf on the shoulders of a mighty stream can have some wonderful metaphysics. Like listening to the last two cars pass each other on the street under a night sky, Stillness: A peace in the middle of chaos. This is more important than light relief. If I cannot care, I should not laugh. It is hard to care without peace.

cause
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26805 - in reply to #26804)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Speaking of magic and walking on water, has anyone seen Dynamo, a British magician? Some interesting tricks, inlcuding walking on water (4:52 on this video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg8HQD5-seI


His grandfather taught him magic to help stop him being bullied at school ...
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26806 - in reply to #26805)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I had never heard of him.

Thank you, Paul, for sharing this link with us.

With love - Aquarius

* * *

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