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Disa
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25496 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Alumni

Posts: 519
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Hi, Tracey!

Hi, Marty! Have I missed your birthday?Happy Birthday. xoxox
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25515 - in reply to #25496)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dinner For Two

Have you ever seen anything like this?

Please follow the link below:

The Dining Dogs

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Zy Danielson
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25516 - in reply to #25515)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Student

Posts: 8

LOL

I saw that on FB.

Adorable!

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25547 - in reply to #25516)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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The River Crossing
 
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a big and violently raging river. As they had to get to the other side, the first man decided to pray. ‘God,’ he said, ‘please give me the strength to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given strong arms and legs and after almost drowning twice, he succeeded in crossing the river in less than two hours.
 
Witnessing this, the second man decided to pray: ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given a rowing boat, as well as strong arms and legs. After almost capsizing only once, he crossed the river in less than one hour.
 
Watching his companions, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.’ Hey presto! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.
 
* * *


Edited by Aquarius 9/22/2014 7:44 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25563 - in reply to #25547)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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LEARNING HOW TO MAKE DECISIONS

From The Mouths of Children
 

1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
‘You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.’ Alan, age 10

‘No person really decides before they grow up whom they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.’ Kristen, age 10  

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  
‘Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.’ Camille, age 10
 
 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?  
‘You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.’ Derrick, age 8  
 
 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?  
‘Both don’t want any more kids.’ Lori, age 8  
 
 5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  
‘Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.’ Lynnette, age 8    
 
‘On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.’ Martin, age 10  
 
6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
‘When they’re rich.’ Pam, age 7
 
 ‘The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.’ Curt, age 7
 
 ‘The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.’ Howard, age 8  

 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  
‘It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.’ Anita, age 9  
 
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?  
‘There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?’ Kelvin, age 8  
 
 9.   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  
‘Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.’ Ricky, age 10  

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25597 - in reply to #25563)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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The Advantages Of Being A Bear
 
In my present lifetime I’m a woman. In my next one I’d like to be a bear. Let me tell you why:
 
When you’re a bear, you hibernate during the winter months and do nothing but sleep for up to six months. I could deal with that.
 
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
 
When you’re a girl bear, you give birth to children, each one the size of a walnut, while you’re sleeping and upon waking up they have already grown into cute cuddly cubs. I could certainly deal with that.
 
Besides, if you’re a mother bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat those who bother your cubs, including their father, your mate. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
 
If you’re a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling and that you have hairy legs and excess body fat.
 
Oh yes, I’m definitely going to be a bear!
 
* * *

 
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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25616 - in reply to #25597)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Veteran

Posts: 205
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Location: Republic of Cascadia http://zapatopi.net/cascadia/
Aquarius - 10/17/2014 4:49 AM
The Advantages Of Being A Bear
 
In my present lifetime I’m a woman. In my next one I’d like to be a bear. Let me tell you why:
 
...

 

 Tick Talk Times Lunar Tick Edition (Continued)

The Upside of being a Tick on a Bear

Number 1: You aren't going hungry any time soon.

Number 2: All the Salmon you can eat in Adams River!

Number 3: You can ditch Relocation when the Ranger takes you about 400 miles away with a helicopter.

Number 4: Dump Smorgasborgs

Number 5: Pre-Seasoned Surveyors (Pepper Spray)

Number 6: Can play great Jokes on Biologists by faking anesthesia

Number 7: You can always bail onto a Deer for the winter

Number 8: Bonus if they are Grizzly Bears. They Don't Hibernate! lulz

Number 9: You have your own personal Air Taxi Fleet: A Murder of Crows follows that Bear Everywhere!  Be a Phage in a Page on a Sage that follows the Rage²!

α+ω / Dr. Å

 

 



Edited by alpha+omega 10/26/2014 8:11 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25640 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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We Are Survivors
 
Dedicated to those born before 1940
 
We were born before TV, penicillin, polio and flu shots, frozen food, Zerox, plastic, contact lenses, videos, Frisbees, and the pill. We were there before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and – just think – before a man walked on the Moon.
 
We got married first and then lived together! How quaint can you get? We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a Big Mac was an over-sized raincoat, and crumpet we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating and dual careers. A meaningful relationship meant getting along with one’s cousins. Sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus. We were there before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies had been thought of. We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and men wearing earrings. For us time-sharing meant togetherness. A chip was a piece of wood or fried potato. To us, hardware was nuts and bolts and software was a word that had not been invented.
 
Before 1940, Made in Japan meant junk. Making out referred to how you did in your exams. Stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt. Going all the way meant staying on a double-decker bus until you reached the depot. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were still unheard of. Cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in the coal-house, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays, pot was something you cooked in. Crack was a small opening or, if you were Irish and having fun, it was spelt craic and meant just that, fun. Rock music was a grandmother’s lullaby. A snort was something a horse did and LSD meant Pounds, Shillings and Pence.
 
Considering how the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make, you have to admit that those of us born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch! No wonder we are so confused and that there is a generation gap between us and the youngsters of today. Yet, with the Grace of God, we have survived!
 
Alleluia!
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25657 - in reply to #25640)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Public Notice
 
Please note that this evening’s meeting of clairvoyance has been cancelled,
owing to  unforeseen circumstances.
 
The Organising Committee
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25670 - in reply to #25657)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
A Store Front With A Difference In Berlin

To admire it fully in action, please follow the link below:

‘Store Front In Berlin’


Not exactly funny, but interesting.
I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25689 - in reply to #25670)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Getting On A Bit

Review your life said Socrates – no doubt he had a point.
One dwells on this when old and grey with creaks in every joint.
The great man didn’t quite mean that – he dwelt on higher planes,
And grappled with philosophy far more than aches and pains.

But he’s been gone two thousand years so will not mind a bit,
If I tamper with his discourses and try to make them fit.
Adapt them to the physical, those matters of the flesh,
That press upon us ever more when we’re not young and fresh.

The old boy downed a hemlock drink – some say he didn’t care.
Most likely he was wondering what more he’d have to bear.
He’d just about got to the end of three-score years and ten.
So probably he deemed it wise to end things there and then.

So passed from the Hellenic world a thinker of renown,
A fellow upon whom today the scholars seldom frown.
But enough of ancient Athens, let us now get up to date.
I have a little tale to tell – bet you can hardly wait.

My first six decades went quite well, the seventh wasn’t bad,
But number eight has been so hard, it’s made me rather sad.
It started promptly on the day, the big seven-o came round.
While walking through a local park, I tumbled to the ground.

At first it didn’t seem severe, I strode along all right.
My trouble started later, in the middle of the night.
Rib-cage, back and abdomen hurt like they were on fire.
Hips and shoulders joined in too, the situation dire.

It took three weeks to simmer down, four more to disappear.
A very inauspicious start to such a landmark year.
Two further months without a hitch and life seemed fairly kind,
Until I was oppressed again, this time it was the mind.

My landlady assailed me with some nasty allegations,
Backed up by a battery of vicious imprecations.
She’d always been so reticent, I never thought she’d try
To scold me, then I realised that her mind had gone awry.

Her son turned up that evening, confirming what I thought.
He apologised profusely, poor fellow was distraught.
I calmed him down but told him that our ways would have to part.
Though hardly a spring chicken, I was game for one more start.

Why stop at domicile I thought, I’ll try something more grand.
So as well as changing residence, I also swapped the land.
Left the Emerald Isle behind and made for Albion’s shores,
Excitement making me forget that when it rains it pours.

I got a house and settled down, but not for very long.
A few months in my new abode then something else went wrong.
The waterworks failed suddenly, a bolt out of the blue.
What hitherto was crystal clear took on a different hue.

My visits to the smallest room caused maximum dismay.
I’d started passing pure vin rouge instead of Chardonnay.
I scuttled off to see the doc, whose face betrayed some worry.
He wanted me in hospital, and said we’d better hurry.

The surgeon spoke harsh words to me of baccy, booze and diet.
I had an argument in mind, then thought I’d best keep quiet.
He seemed a formidable lad, not wise to make him cross.
I was prostrate, he had a knife, so that made him the boss.

He did his work then called on me and seemed in better humour.
I’d soon be on my feet, he said, he’d shaved away a tumour.
So back to domesticity – all quiet for a spell,
Until another happening, that rendered me unwell.

While out on foot one winter night, I sought a litter bin,
But came upon a flower tub, located with my shin.
A strip of me three inches long and nearly half as wide
Had vanished, and though in some pain I sought it far and wide.

I had no luck, so limped off home and got another shock.
The missing rasher wasn’t lost but rolled up in my sock.
I tried to fix it back in place, with plaster and saliva,
Plus some herbal ointment that had set me back a fiver.

I got it right and turned my mind to sprucing up the dwelling
And overdid the labouring, but quite how there’s no telling.
This time a whopping lump emerged above the right-side groin.
It felt much like a cricket ball embedded in the loin.

So off to the GP again – by then it was a habit.
‘Spread out upon the couch,’ he said, ‘we’ll just let dog see rabbit.’
He diagnosed a hernia, no cause for great alarm.
The surgery was simple and I needn’t have a qualm.

The sawbones was a gloomy chap but knew well what to do.
Got through four jobs like mine that day, with me last in the queue.
I’m back and in the saddle now, at work with pen and ink,
With senses honed by recent woes, or so I like to think

Carved up twice in fourteen months, I’m wondering what’s next.
Another in the lower regions, that would get me vexed.
But providence is on my side, I feel it in my bones.
It won’t be liver, pancreas, or even kidney stones.

I’m going for lobotomy, if fate will let me choose.
The old grey matter’s addled, so I haven’t much to lose.
When this thought occurred I guessed my brain would just go reeling,
Then I got the point that where’s there’s no sense there’s no feeling.

From ‘Madazine’



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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25692 - in reply to #25689)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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Location: United Kingdom
Seasonal Greetings

Please click on the link below:

‘Christmas Dinner For The Elderly’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25718 - in reply to #25692)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
The Traffic Warden’s Funeral
 
When the coffin was lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice could be heard from inside the casket that screamed: ‘I’m not dead! I’m not dead! Let me out!’
 
Smilingly the Vicar leaned forward and muttered: ‘Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25754 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
If you enjoyed this video and would like another look at it, you might like to know that its link has changed. Please try the new one below:

A Car Advert From La Bella Italia

‘The Latest In Car Developments’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25776 - in reply to #25754)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Special Offer
 
‘My dear friend Moscowitz, this is your lucky day! Have I got a bargain for you? A big healthy trained elephant! And for you only, just a thousand dollars!’
 
‘Are you crazy?’ replies Moscowitz. ‘I live in a two-room fourth-floor apartment. What do I want with an elephant?
 
‘You’re a tough man, Moscowitz. You drive a hard bargain. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. For another two hundred dollars, I’ll throw in a beautiful baby elephant. Both elephants for only twelve hundred dollars. How’s that?’
 
‘Ah, now you’re talking.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25809 - in reply to #25776)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
The Girl From Guantanamo

Guantanamera

Watch a little fellow from the streets of New York
dancing to this tune

by following the link below:

‘Guantanamera’


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25820 - in reply to #25809)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Growing Old With A Smile

Actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews, born 1st October 1935, to commemorate her birthday made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall  for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favourite Things’  from the movie ‘Sound Of Music’, in which she played the leading role.

These are the lyrics she used:

 Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
 Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
 These are a few of my favourite things.

 Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
 Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
 Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
  These are a few of my favourite things.

 When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
 When the knees go bad,
 I simply remember my favourite things,
  And then I don’t feel so bad.

 Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
 No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
 Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
 These are a few of my favourite things.

 Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
 Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
 And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
  When we remember our favourite things.

 When the joints ache, when the hips creak,
 When the eyes grow dim,
But I remember the great life I’ve had,
  Then I don’t feel so bad.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Try singing it – that makes it particularly funny!

Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd.
 It lasted over four minutes and repeated encores were asked for.

P.S. AARP, Inc., formerly the American Association of Retired Persons, is a United States-based non-governmental organisation and interest group, founded in 1958 by Ethel Percy Andrus, PhD, a retired educator from California, and based in Washington, D.C. It is a membership organisation for people age fifty and over.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *



Edited by Aquarius 1/30/2015 6:55 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25827 - in reply to #25820)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Paragliding Adventures

Jean-Baptiste Chandelier was born 18th August 1985. He lives in Embrun City, France, and is an expert paragliding pilot, movie maker, paragliding designer and test pilot. He is sponsored by Adidas outdoor and Dudek paragliders.

In his videos Jean-Baptiste shares with us his vision of flying. He has been a paragliding pilot since 2004 and his speciality are acrobatic and proximity flight. In his videos he shares with us his delight for flying, in the hope that they will help to make everyone’s dream of flying come true, at least a little bit. As far as I am concerned, he most certainly succeeds.

To find out whether he can do the same for you,

please follow the link below:


‘Come Fly With Me!’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25839 - in reply to #25827)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Religious Humour
 
A lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. ‘Is there anything breakable in this parcel?’ asked the postal clerk. ‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ the woman replied.
 
There are only two kinds of people in the world. Those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good Lord, its morning.’
 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. He put a note under the windshield wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block ten times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’ When he returned, he found a ticket from a police officer along with this note: ‘I’ve circled this block for ten years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’
 
A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new gym fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, the money is still in your pockets.’
 
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. Its owner clearly had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read: ‘Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution! Do not step into exhaust.’
 
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with: ‘Boys and girls, what do you know about God?’ A hand shot up. ‘God is an artist!’ the child said. ‘Really? How do you know that?’ asked the teacher. ‘It’s because our Father, who does art in Heaven,’ the youngster replied.
 
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with petrol before a long holiday weekend. Although the attendant worked quickly, the minister had to wait a long time because there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. ‘Reverend,’ he said, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems that everyone waited until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’ The minister chuckled: ‘I know just what you mean. It’s like that in my business, too.’
 
Some people are strange. They want to sit at the front of the bus, the back of the church and to be the centre of attention.
 
One Sunday after church a mother asked her small daughter what the lesson had been about. The girl replied: ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’ The mother was perplexed. When the pastor called at their house later for tea, she asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson had been about. The reply was: ‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’
 
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how to prepare his congregation for donating more money than expected towards the repairs of their church building. To his annoyance he found that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last moment, who wanted to know what to play. ‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ the minister said. ‘You’ll have to think of something suitable to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’
 
* * *
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25841 - in reply to #25839)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Thanks For The Memory
 
Leslie Townes Hope, better known as Bob Hope, 1903 – 2003, was born in Eltham, London, England. Comedian, vaudevillian, actor, singer, dancer, athlete, and author, his career spanned nearly eighty years. He appeared in over seventy films and shorts, including a series of Road Movies co-starring Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. In addition to hosting the Academy Awards fourteen times, more than any other host, he appeared in many stage productions and television roles and was the author of fourteen books. The song ‘Thanks For the Memory’ is widely regarded to be his signature tune.
 
On his death bed Bob was asked where he wanted to be buried. He replied: ‘Surprise me.’ Here are a few more of his quotes:
 
ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only downhill.’
 
ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
 
ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
 
ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’
 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER OF BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’
 
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or as it’s called at my home ‘Passover’.
 
ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’
 
ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for twelve presidents but entertained only six.’
 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBUSINESS FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: ‘Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.’’
 
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’
 
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold mother threw on another brother.’
 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it weren’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
 
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’
 
Thank you, Bob, for sharing your gifts with us so generously and for such a long time.

 
* * *

 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25866 - in reply to #25841)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Please Pass The Salt

To watch an educational video for parents and their children,
please follow the link below:

‘Passing The Salt’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25874 - in reply to #25866)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
‘Don’t get too cheesed off when your neighbours are playing loud music at 2 am. Call them at 4 am, when the noise has stopped, and tell them how much you enjoyed their music.’ Anon.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25899 - in reply to #25874)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Fun With Words

Lexophilia is the love of words and a Lexophile is a person who appreciates the nuances that can sometimes be played with in words, for example ‘you can tune a piano, but you cannot tuna fish’ or ‘to write with a broken pencil is pointless.’ Here we go:

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s
all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone. It’s just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the
end.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25945 - in reply to #25899)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
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Location: United Kingdom
Medical Advice From The Orient
 
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one etc.
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain – good!
   
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
 
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
 
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO-HOO, what a ride!’
 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink much beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. Apparently it’s speaking English that kills you.

 
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Edited by Aquarius 4/4/2015 7:33 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25986 - in reply to #25945)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1938
100050010010010010025
Location: United Kingdom
How To Wash Your Cat – In Nine Easy Steps
 

1.     Put the seat of your toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
2.     Pick up the cat and soothe it, while carrying it towards the bathroom.
 
3.     In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and put down the seat and the lid. You may need to stand on it.
 
4.     The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, your cat is enjoying this.
 
5.     Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash-and-rinse.’ Don’t worry, kitty won’t go ‘down the tube’, because it won’t fit.
 
6.     Have someone open the front door of your home. Make sure there are no people between the bathroom and front door.
 
7.     Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, then quickly lift seat and lid.
 
8.     The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where it will dry itself off.
 
9.     You can be sure that the toilet and also your cat will be squeaky clean.
 
     Yours sincerely,

     The Dog
 
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