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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!
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Aquarius
Posted 3/20/2008 8:17 AM (#3889)
Subject: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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 A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!

The Importance Of  Humour

Rays Of Wisdom - Healers And Healing - White Eagle On The Importance Of Humour
 

White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a sense of humour and nothing gives us greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest for life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world does so for good and wise reasons and therefore is right.’

White Eagle ‘Stella Polaris’ February/March 2007: ‘Let us all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we treat as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate or annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our siblings in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the wondrous warming beam of humour.’

White Eagle ‘Sayings of the Gentle Brother – Simplicity’: ‘Do not forget that we, your guides from the world of spirit, are with you always. We look upon all happenings on the Earth plane with great love and sometimes with humour. Oh yes, we have a great sense of humour. Ours is a kindly type of humour and we suggest that yours should also be that way. If you can keep your eyes twinkling, you will find it a great help.’

White Eagle ‘The Quiet Mind – Just Laugh!’: ‘If everything goes wrong, just laugh! Let it have its fling and let it go. Keep your vision upon God and know that in the end everything will come right. That is the truth!’

White Eagle ‘The Source of all our Strength – Enjoy Fun’: ‘Life is not solemn. It is full of joy and fun. Think of life as being eternal and that you – a tiny spark of that Divine life – are learning to walk a path which is leading you to being consciously reunited with your Heavenly Parents. The goal of your life is this union with Divine love and peace and joy and – yes – fun.’

White Eagle ‘On Festivals & Celebrations’: ‘May we all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we see as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate and annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our brothers and our sisters in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the warming beam of humour. But in humour, the same as in all things, it is necessary to be wise, so let yours never be of the unkind but of the kind variety.’

Six pointed Star

Here is my first offering:

Please, always check your e-mail addresses very carefully!

An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left freezing Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday; his wife planned to join him two days later.

The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, he sent his email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. The widow expected messages from relatives and friends, so she decided to check her emails. After reading the first one, she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. Then he noticed the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen to it that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your ever loving husband.
 
P.S. It sure is hot down here!

* * *

 



Edited by Aquarius 4/2/2016 8:47 AM
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MollyB
Posted 3/20/2008 10:00 AM (#3890 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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LOL! Thank you for that bit of comic relief this morning!
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Rose
Posted 3/20/2008 1:28 PM (#3895 - in reply to #3890)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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This is really funny! Thanks for sharing this.
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LeapingDolphin
Posted 3/22/2008 11:31 PM (#3981 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



Awwww that's cute! Good message too.

Leaping Dolphiin
http://www.rogerenergyhealing.com
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Aquarius
Posted 3/23/2008 10:01 AM (#3990 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another cup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
Pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway???

Anon.

Just one question one needs to asks oneself reading and that is: 'Who or what is the fruitcake here?'



Edited by Aquarius 3/23/2008 10:03 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#6039 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth’s atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. In the world of spirit, the elder brethren have a sense of humour and nothing gives them greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest of life and a sense of the fitness of things.’

                                   Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
                                      You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry –
                                      Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

I believe that it’s not a good idea to suppress our emotions because that is a sure way into depression. So, whenever the need for it arises, by all means let’s have a little moan and a cry. Then count the many blessings in our lives and smile.

After having shared many serious themes with me, I thought a spot of light relief might be welcome. And if you have any jokes, humorous anecdotes, stories, poems and/or songs to share, this is the spot for doing so. To get the ball rolling, here is my first offering:

God Created Children And Grandchildren

Whenever your children are out of control, take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God is believed to have created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he is supposed to have said was: ‘don’t!’

‘Don’t what?’ Adam replied. ‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!’

‘No way!’

‘Yes way!’

‘Do not eat the fruit!’ God repeated.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I say so!’ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped Creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, He was watching His children having an apple break. By now he was very annoyed and asked them: ‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?’

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it!’ Adam said.

‘I did not!’

‘You did!’

‘I did not!’

Fed up with the two of them, God decided Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Things To Reflect Upon

•    Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home one day.

•    If you have persistently and lovingly tried to share your life’s wisdom with your children and they refuse to take it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think yours would be easier?

•    You spend the first two years of your children’s life teaching them to walk and talk and the following sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.

•    Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

•    Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

•    Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

•    The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that some children are even more difficult than yours.

•    We childproof our homes, but they are still getting in.

•    And no matter what they do, we never stop loving them.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius




Edited by Aquarius 5/21/2013 6:16 AM
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Rose
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#6040 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away



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This is funny! Thanks for sharing Aquarius....
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instinctual
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#6048 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away



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Amen- in other words, I hear that loud and clear! So funny and true!

Thanks Aquarius, as always
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23935 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away



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‘Endeavour to think kind and loving thoughts only and never forget your sense of humour. Nothing lightens your vibrations more quickly and easily than the ability to see the funny side of things, to laugh about them and have fun.’ From ‘The Wake-Up Call’ – Part III

Sermon Of Solace

And now, without further ado, I would like to introduce our main speaker for today, the Reverend Bernard Railing, who I believe is better known to some parishioners as the Railing Reverend. Take it away, Bernie.
 
Thank you, Canon Fodd . . . er . . . Hodder. I had heard that you can always be relied on for a snappy intro. Good morning everyone. It surprises me to think that although I have long been a resident of our fair community, I have never before addressed you here. I know that you have often heard from within these walls and others like them, speeches laden with words of fire and brimstone. You will not get that from me. Instead, you will hear a message of comfort. My theme is thanksgiving – and not of the kind most often expressed in this place. I am thinking of how much we owe to so many groups who have been instrumental in making our much-admired society what it is today. Let me mention some of them.
 
We give thanks to the politicians, reckless spendthrifts on the left and frothing misanthropes on the right, for in the fullness of time they shall meet in the middle and all shall be well. We are particularly grateful that their deeds do not match their words, for if  they were ever to succeed in that respect, our leaders would always be doing something and we would never have a moment’s peace. I think it was Will Rogers who said that we should be thankful that we are not getting all the government we are paying for. We are vastly indebted to the foremost statespeople, past and present, who have exalted patriotism and persuaded their populations that foreigners are a devious lot and not to be trusted an inch. Without such cautions, ordinary folk of various countries might have mingled more freely in times gone by, and possibly have become friendly. Perish the thought!

If this has whetted your appetite and you would like to read the rest of the Reverend’s somewhat off-the-wall eulogy of thanksgiving, please click the link below for:


And if you enjoyed the Reverend’s discourse and are in the mood for some more chuckling, have a good look around because the Courtjester has lots more in store for you.
 
With love and light,
Aquarius
 
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23938 - in reply to #23935)
Subject: Church Bulletins



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Church Bulletins

 

The following announcements really did appear in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

The Fasting And Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’

The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

 

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

 

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 pm – prayer and medication to follow.

 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7  PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

 

Created by Anon.

Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23945 - in reply to #23938)
Subject: The Minds Of Children



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The Minds Of Children

Until children tell us what they are thinking, we can’t begin to imagine how their minds work. Here is an example:

A little boy by the name of Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything they could think of: private tuition, flash cards and special learning centres. Nothing worked. Finally, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t kiss his mother hello, but went straight to his room and started studying.

Each time his mother looked in on him, books and papers were spread all over the room and Zachary was hard at work. She was amazed and whenever she called him down to dinner, to her great surprise, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without saying a word and in no time he was hard at work again.

This went on for some time, day after day. Mother was puzzled about what could be making the difference, until Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and immersed himself in his books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the card. To her astonishment Zachary had got an ‘A’ in maths.  As she could no longer contain her curiosity, she went to his room and said: ‘Son, what is it that makes you work so hard? Is it the nuns?’ Zachary looked at her and shook his head. ‘Well, then,’ she continued, ‘was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms or what?’

Looking up at her with a very serious face, Zachary replied: ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23953 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Whose Job Is It?



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Whose Job Is It?
This is a story about four people whose names were:
Everybody, somebody, anybody and nobody.
There was a job to be done and everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but nobody did.
Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but
Nobody realised that everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that everybody blamed somebody
When nobody did what anybody
Could so easily have done.

Anon.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23957 - in reply to #23953)
Subject: Tasks For Today



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Tasks For Today
1.    Organise
2.    Talk to wife/husband/partner
3.    Re-organise
4.    Talk to wife/husband/partner
5.    Abandon idea
6.    Talk to self!
7.    Then do what has to be done yourself!
 
 


Edited by Aquarius 5/23/2013 10:04 AM
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23963 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hello Aackwa and some also familiar faces:
Aq, I thought you might also post the British walk down memory lane. I thought it might be of great interest to many of us, even though many of us are not British.
When I saw "My Favorite Martian" I immediately transported back to the time when my two younger sisters were sitting on the floor in front of our old Halicrafters television set. They were visibly trembling and
crying as they were absolutely terrified, having been witness to the '50's flying saucer - monsters from space movies. I told them not to be afraid as they would see a Martian unlike any other that they have known before.
The show became a weekly treat and a beloved memory for them. They never forget "Uncle Martin".

Peace to all,
Martin, Luckylee and Poppyhead
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23967 - in reply to #23963)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Marty - I would like to follow your invitation and post the 'British Walk Down Memory Lane' here. Alas, it's an e-mail and not a file attachment. I wouldn't know how to transfer this here, if it's at all possible. If it can be done, would you mind doing it for me please?

Many thanks and with love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23968 - in reply to #23967)
Subject: A Tale Of Three Nuns



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A Tale Of Three Nuns

Heard 21st July 2009 on BBC Radio 4 News: Last Friday a middle aged nun was stopped in Italy for speeding at 110mph. Sister Tavoletta, 56, stated that she and her fellow nuns were on a mercy dash to the injured Pope and that they were truly anxious when they learned his Holiness had broken his wrist. So she piled into her Ford Fiesta with two other sisters, aged 65 and 78, and headed for his holiday retreat in northern Italy. The police pulled her up near Turin after clocking her at a speed of 112mph in a 30mph zone. They suspended her licence and fined her Euros 375 (£323).

Sister Tavoletta’s sixty-five year old colleague had to take over at the wheel for the final leg of the journey to Les Combes, the papal mountain retreat near Val d’Aosta. The sister stated later: ‘The police were shocked to find three nuns of a certain age in the Fiesta. I know we shouldn’t have gone so fast, but the news of his Holiness’s injury had made us truly anxious.’

A police spokesman said: ‘The officers involved were amazed to see three nuns in the Fiesta. It had been clocked at 110 mph.’ The sisters were stopped only hours after the 82 year old Pope’s fall. After undergoing surgery he was well enough to give a blessing to pilgrims on Sunday, with the cast on his right hand clearly visible.

The police spokesman added: ‘Hopefully, Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving. But she will still have to pay the fine.’ The sister has already engaged lawyer Anna Orecchioni, who is famous for her success in defending members of the religious community. She said: ‘I will be taking this before a judge to get the penalty removed and the sister’s licence reinstated. We think we can invoke the ‘state of necessity’ that allows speeding.’

Don’t you just love the image of the lead-footed nun, getting on in years, and her two companions in the back of a clapped out old Ford Fiesta that must have been mightily souped-up to achieve this kind of speed? Maybe one of its previous owners provided it with a racing car engine. Nuns are known to enjoy flying! Were these three by any chance, their cheeks aglow with the thrill and the excitement of excessive speed, habits flapping in the wind, trying to take off? The mind boggles and one cannot help wondering what the real reason behind the dash might have been.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23986 - in reply to #23968)
Subject: Sadsack Publishing



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Sadsack Publishing Company

Dear Mr Underthwaite

Thank you for your letter and welcome to our haven for new writers. We know how weary you must be after labouring so long and hard over your book ‘Reminiscences of my Early Years (1930s and 1940s) in a Yorkshire Mill Town.’ At 18,000 words, the work is only about a quarter of the average book-length, but we are sure you put heart and soul into so noble an opus and if, after what follows here, you choose to submit the manuscript, we shall strive to do it justice.

It is as well that when sending the synopsis, you mentioned having contacted us before any other fringe publishing company, as this gives us the opportunity to acquaint you with what you can expect if you approach our competitors. We have devoted some effort to this matter and have compiled a list of points typically raised by organisations operating in this field. These are given below in bold type, followed by our interpretations. Gird your loins and read on.

We are not in the vanity publishing business. We are in the vanity publishing business.

You will be involved in a cooperative effort: author and publisher. No, you won’t. You have already done the real work in writing the book. Now you will be asked to foot the bill, in advance, for the supposed partner’s contribution. After you have coughed up, the house concerned will have no financial exposure, nor will it incur any other risk.

We offer you the services of our expert editorial staff. That would be Jeremy (32), scion of a middle-ranking aristocratic family. Faced with disinheritance if he didn’t start work, J., who achieved the seemingly impossible by failing university examinations in (a) Art Appreciation and (b) Media Studies, realised that he would have to shape up. Therefore, he joined his old friend and bedmate Annabelle, of impeccable Sloanie credentials. She came up with the idea of founding a business that couldn’t cost much, even if it failed.

You will benefit from our array of sophisticated technical equipment. We borrowed a desktop publishing rig from Annabelle’s sister Evangeline, who was unable to use it, on account of the length of her fingernails.

We have an unrivalled range of media contacts. Not entirely accurate. Jeremy distinguished himself by frequently outdrinking his Irish crony Liam, who later penned two articles for a local rag in some dreary backwater, then drifted into leglessness after the twenty-eighth rejection of his seminal work ‘The Fall of Vercingetorix.’ Annabelle was in touch with an ex-lover who ran a small offshore radio station. Her offer to reinstate the provision of ‘certain favours’ for a consideration was declined.

Our facilities extend to producing your book on the Internet. Of course they do, but consider that many net-users are in search of pornographic entertainment. The rest will probably not have the stamina to get through the thicket to reach your work, regardless of its value. Remember also that book prices via this medium are high, so even slim paperbacks of limited appeal will most likely be offered for £12/15 – hardly tempting to prospective buyers rightly suspicious of pig in a poke deals.

You must accept that in this competitive world, results can be disappointing. Well, that’s dead right. Steel yourself for half a dozen sales, max.

So, Mr Underthwaite, you will see that we are ‘telling it like it is’. You might derive some comfort from learning that we are trying to spare you a good deal of time, effort and postage costs in pursuit of an elusive goal.

Should you wish to proceed, please note that you need have no inhibitions about presenting your work, irrespective of its standard. At the rear of our premises we have a lean-to – well, it’s more like a kennel – in which we confine our in-house hack, Minnie. She is fresh from rehab and, given continued sobriety, will be happy to convert any garbage we receive into acceptable English.

You will have gathered that we do our best to be objective, while trying to avoid discouraging new authors. Perhaps the appropriate expression is ‘tough love’. If you are still disposed to avail yourself of our services, please send your MS., together with a cheque for £4,950, on receipt of which we will do all within our power to advance your writing career. Alternatively, you could spend the same amount on a sea voyage, during which you might find a doting widow, willing to set you up, provided that you are prepared to do whatever may be necessary as a quid pro quo. In our view, your chances of literary success are about the same either way.

Don’t hesitate to let us know if we can be of further service to you.

Yours sincerely

Jamie Stoat
Literary Adviser

                                                 From ‘Madazine’

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23998 - in reply to #23986)
Subject: Memories



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Memories
Just a note to say that I’m living,
That I’m not among the dead,
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And mixed up in me head.

I’ve got used to me arthritis,
To me dentures I’m resigned;
I can cope with me bi-focals,
But, ye Gods, I miss me mind!

Sometimes I can’t remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
Whether I must go up for something
Or have just come down from there!

And before the fridge so often
Me poor mind is filled with doubt:
Have I just come to put some food away
Or do I need to take it out?

So, if it’s me turn to write to you,
There’s no need for getting sore;
I may have thought I’d written,
And didn’t want to be a bore.

Just remember that I love you
And wish that you were near.
Well, it’s nearly time for the post now,
So I must say: ‘Good bye, me dear!’

And here I stand beside the post-box
Me face is so very red!
Meaning to post this letter,
I’ve opened it instead.

Anon.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24016 - in reply to #23998)
Subject: How To Wash Your Cat



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This one is especially for you, dear Marty.

How To Wash Your Cat

1.    Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2.    Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3.    In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4.    The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5.    Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash-and-rinse.’ Don't worry, kitty won’t go ‘down the tube’, because it won’t fit.

6.    Have someone open the front door of your home. Make sure there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7.    Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, then quickly lift both lids.

8.    The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where she will dry herself off.

9.    Both commode and cat will be squeaky clean.

     Yours sincerely,
     The Dog



Edited by Aquarius 6/9/2013 12:44 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24021 - in reply to #24016)
Subject: What We Can Learn From Cats



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What Cats Can Teach Us

They never:
Sit and worry about tomorrow.
Stay where they are not happy.
Do things they do not want to do.
Tell people everything about themselves.
Go jogging in the midday Sun!

And when the world gets us down and threatens to close in on us, it’s all too easy to forget that life is supposed to be fun. Cats are constant reminders that it is and how we too should go about enjoying life to the fullest. Watch how they always find time to play and although some of their owners buy them expensive toys, they just as happily play with an empty cotton reel, chase a snippet of paper or explore a cardboard box. With this they show us it is possible to gain the greatest pleasure from the most simple things.

So, why not be good to ourselves, be like cats and build much more fun into our lives?
 
Anon.


Edited by Aquarius 6/12/2013 7:04 AM
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24022 - in reply to #24021)
Subject: RE: What We Can Learn From Cats



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Location: United Kingdom
Well, cats are also killers, not long descended from the beautiful big cats of the wild, but still with their instinct to kill, that they enact not least by decimating the native bird population certainly of the British Isles, for fun not hunger ...[cats not being native to Albion]

Sorry to put a sour note in ....

I can only guess when humanity has wiped out all the big cats in Africa, India, Siberia, the Himalaya, South America, Indonesia, Sumatra, etc ... future generations can at least look on their feline pets with some recognition as to what the human race has done to with its bequest of Paradise ...

Though too I hear that there is a developing programme of breeding lions for captive game shoots in South Africa, where 'big white hunters' can pay big mega bucks to shoot lions in relative captive 'safety' then take the pelts home to hang on the walls of their condominiums: which just makes me weep for the judgement - and destiny - of the human race

Apologies for not being to share in the joy of cats ... though I am aware they bring comfort to many (hello Marty .....)

as you might imagine i am feeling more than a little world weary of late ...
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24027 - in reply to #24022)
Subject: They Should Have Asked My Husband



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They Should Have Asked My Husband

This world is complicated, imperfect, and oppressed,
And it’s not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed.
It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow;
People want solutions, but they don’t know where to go.
Opinions abound, but who is wrong and who is right?
People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light;
Someone they can turn to, as the crises rage and swirl;
Someone with the remedy, the wisdom and the pearl.

Well, they should have asked my husband!
He’d have told them, then and there,
His thoughts on emigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair,
The future of the monarchy, house prices in the South,
The wait for hip replacements, BSE, and foot and mouth.

Yes, they should have asked my husband!
He can sort out any mess;
He can rejuvenate the railways, and cure the NHS.
So, any little niggle, anything you want to know,
Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go!

Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs,
The damage to the ozone layer, refugees, and drugs?
These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke,
But present it to my husband; he’ll solve it, at a stroke!
He’ll clarify the situation, he will make it crystal clear.

You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs
And the bending of your ear.
Corruption at the top? He’s an authority on that,
And the Maffia, Gadhaffia, and Yassa Arafat.
Upon these areas, he brings his intellect to shine,
In a great, compelling voice
That’s twice as loud as yours or mine.
I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong,
Infallible, articulate, self-confident, and wrong.

When it comes to tolerance, he hasn’t got a lot:
Joy-riders should be guillotined,
And muggers ought to be shot!
The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears,
And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears.

My friends don’t call so often;
They have busy lives, I know,
And it’s not every day one wants to hear
A windbag suck and blow.
Encyclopaedias? On them, we never have to call.
Why clutter up the bookshelf, when my husband knows it all?

Pam Ayres



Edited by Aquarius 6/15/2013 12:38 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24036 - in reply to #24027)
Subject: Husband And Wife



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Husband, reading news article to his wife: ‘I knew it! It says here that women use 30,000 words a day to men’s 15,000.’

Wife: ‘Yes dear, that’s because we have to repeat everything we say to men.’

Husband: ‘What?’
 
* * * 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24080 - in reply to #24036)
Subject: Going Shopping



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Location: United Kingdom
Standing in the express lane of my local supermarket, I was quietly fuming because a woman with a shopping trolley piled high with groceries had slipped ahead of me into the express checkout queue. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly: ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’ Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24084 - in reply to #24080)
Subject: Holidaymakers' Joys



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Holidaymakers’ Joys
 
Some genuine comments from customers of Thomas Cook about their holidays.
 
1. ‘I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.’
 
2. ‘It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time. This should be banned.’
 
3. ‘On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don’t like spicy food at all.’
 
4. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimming costumes and towels.’
 
7. ‘The beach was too sandy.’
 
8. ‘We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.’
 
10. ‘Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined, as my husband spent all day looking at other women.’
 
12. ‘No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.’
 
13. ‘There was no egg-slicer in the apartment.’
 
14. ‘We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.’
 
15. ‘The roads were uneven.’
 
16. ‘It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home.’
 
17. ‘I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.’
 
18. ‘The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers. Will we be OK staying there?’
 
19. ‘There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.’
 
20. ‘We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning.’
 
21. ‘It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.’
 
22. ‘I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite.’
 
23. ‘My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were given a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room we booked.’
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