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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/24/2016 8:25 AM (#27075 - in reply to #27068)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Grandpa’s New I-Pad



An example of what happens when young people make gifts
of technology to the older generation. Here a daughter is visiting her father.
She asks: ‘Tell me dad, how are you getting on with the new i-Pad
we gave you for your birthday?’

It’s in German, but I don’t think you’ll need any subtitles:

‘The New I-Pad’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 3/20/2016 10:54 AM (#27126 - in reply to #27075)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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The Lumberjack

A short skinny man walked into a lumber camp looking for a job. To impress the sceptical foreman, he chopped down a huge oak tree in half an hour.

‘Wow! Where did you learn to do that?’ the foreman asked.

‘In the Sahara Forest,’ the man replied.

‘But the Sahara is not a forest, it’s a desert!’ exclaimed the foreman.

‘Yep, it is now,’ said the little fellow.
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 3/26/2016 7:32 AM (#27157 - in reply to #27126)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Bored Engineers



Have you ever wondered what they might be doing then?

Please follow the link below to see what one of them did:

‘Bored Engineers’

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Aquarius
Posted 3/29/2016 8:57 AM (#27170 - in reply to #27157)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Location: United Kingdom
Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’
* * *


Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’

* * *

Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’

* * *

Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/3/2016 2:36 PM (#27184 - in reply to #27170)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Russian Ballet With A Difference



To take part in it, please follow the link below:

‘Russian Ballet’

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Aquarius
Posted 4/6/2016 8:08 AM (#27191 - in reply to #27184)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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One day Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared at the TV just as the 10:00 p.m. news came on. The news crew was covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a building downtown.

The blonde looked at Bob and said: ‘Do you think he’ll jump?’

Bob replied: ‘You know, I bet he’ll jump.’

The blonde: ‘Well, I bet he won’t.’

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar: ‘You’re on!’

At the moment the blonde placed her money on the bar, the man on the ledge jumped and fell to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob with the remark: ‘Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.’

Bob: ‘I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.’

The blonde: ‘I saw it too, but I never thought he’d do it again.’

Bob took the money.
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Aquarius
Posted 4/13/2016 6:38 AM (#27216 - in reply to #27191)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Recipe For A Fruitcake

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still ok.

Cry another cup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
Next sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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Aquarius
Posted 4/16/2016 9:22 AM (#27239 - in reply to #27216)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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The Latest In Alcohol Testing



1. Click the man's nose in the picture.
2. When the new window opens, click his nose again.
3. For each time you manage to do this you are allowed another pint!

Cheers!

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/17/2016 7:39 AM (#27247 - in reply to #27239)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Location: United Kingdom
NOAH IN OUR TIME

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: ‘Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’

He gave Noah the blueprints with the words: ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard without an ark.

‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’

‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed.’

‘I needed a Building Permit.’

‘I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.’

‘My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision.’

‘Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.’

‘Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.’

‘I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!’

‘When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.’

‘Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.’

‘I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.’

‘Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.’

‘The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.’

‘To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.’

‘So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.’

‘Suddenly the skies cleared, the Sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.’

Noah looked up in wonder and asked: ‘You mean you're not going to destroy the world?’

‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The Government has beaten me to it.’

* * *


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Supernatural3
Posted 4/17/2016 10:05 AM (#27252 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



PhD Alumni

Posts: 1701
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Location: NE Ohio
I like the chuckle. .. didn't quite get the picture to work but I'm sure is this old tablet.... it likes to do is own thing. Ugh.... lol
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Aquarius
Posted 4/18/2016 6:58 AM (#27263 - in reply to #27252)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Hello Jill,

Glad you enjoyed yesterday's chuckle and thank you for letting me know.

You haven't missed anything because there was no picture.

With love - Aquarius

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Supernatural3
Posted 4/18/2016 12:44 PM (#27266 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



PhD Alumni

Posts: 1701
1000500100100
Location: NE Ohio
Clicking on the nose wasn't a picture? Lol.... I've slipped into the Twilight Zone.... lol
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Aquarius
Posted 4/18/2016 1:09 PM (#27268 - in reply to #27266)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Location: United Kingdom

Ah, I see what you mean! It was the previous posting that required clicking the man's nose. I've just tried it and yes, it still works.

Hope you can get it going, too. It's quite intriguing.

With love - Aquarius

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Supernatural3
Posted 4/18/2016 5:12 PM (#27269 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



PhD Alumni

Posts: 1701
1000500100100
Location: NE Ohio
It says i need some plug in but won't tell me what plug in. .... new technology .... ugh! Bummer! I shall try this later from a different location. My curiosity is kicking in. .. ??
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Aquarius
Posted 4/20/2016 6:42 AM (#27281 - in reply to #27269)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Speaking Of Adam And Eve

Teacher: ‘Now class, we finished the story of the Creation last week. Let’s see who was really listening. What was the name of the first woman on Earth. Mary?’

Mary: ‘Ummm . . . I’ve forgotten, Miss.’

Teacher: ‘Think Mary! Remember the story about the apple?’

Mary’s eyes lit up. ‘Was it Granny Smith, Miss?’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/22/2016 6:32 AM (#27307 - in reply to #27281)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Labour Pains

A couple went to hospital for the delivery of their baby. Upon arrival, they were introduced to a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the baby’s father. When asked if they were willing to try this new invention, the couple readily agreed that the pain transfer unit should initially be set to ten percent. The nurses explained that even this amount of pain would probably be more than any father had ever experienced before the birth of his child.

As the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer and the husband was still feeling fine. When the doctor checked his blood pressure, he was amazed at how well he was doing. Together they decided to try fifty percent. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping his wife very much, the husband asked the doctor to transfer all pain to him. And so a healthy baby was delivered with almost no pain. The couple were ecstatic and as there had be no complications, the new little family was able to go home immediately after the birth. When they arrived there, they found their gardener dead on the porch.

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/26/2016 8:39 AM (#27387 - in reply to #27307)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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God Created Children

Whenever your children are out of control, take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God is believed to have created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he is supposed to have said was: ‘Don’t!’

‘Don’t what?’ Adam replied. ‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!’

‘No way!’

‘Yes way!’

‘Do not eat the fruit!’ God repeated.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I say so!’ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped Creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, He was watching His children having an apple break. By now he was very annoyed and asked them: ‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?’

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it!’ Adam said.

‘I did not!’

‘You did!’

‘I did not!’

Fed up with the two of them, God decided Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Things To Reflect Upon

•    Be nice to your children. They are going to choose your nursing home one day.

•    If you have persistently and lovingly tried to share your life’s wisdom with your children and they refuse to take it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think yours would be easier?

•    You spend the first two years of your children’s life teaching them to walk and talk and the following sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.

•    Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

•    Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

•    Children seldom misquote you. More often than not they repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

•    The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that some children are even more difficult than yours.

•    We childproof our homes, but they are still getting in.

•    And no matter what they do, we never stop loving them.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/28/2016 8:27 AM (#27441 - in reply to #27387)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Rewards

A preacher has just passed on. He is standing in line waiting to be judged and hopes to be admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. ‘I was a taxi driver in New York City,’ the man replies.

An Angel stands at the gate and calls out: ‘Next’. The taxi driver steps forward and the Angel hands him a golden staff and a basket of fruit, cheese and wine, then lets him pass through the gates. Pleased with himself, the taxi driver proceeds.

When the Angel shouts: ‘Next!’, the preacher steps forward. The Angel hands him a wooden staff, bread and water. Very concerned, because he believes a mistake has been made, he turns to the Angel: ‘That man is a taxi driver. He gets those good things, when I, who spent most of my life doing God’s work on the Earth get this stuff! How can that be?’

‘Ah!’ says the Angel, ‘up here we judge by results. All your flock ever did during your sermons was sleep. In his taxi, people prayed!’

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 5/7/2016 9:38 AM (#27538 - in reply to #27441)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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The Secret Of A Happy Marriage

 A married couple had been together for more than sixty years. They shared all they had and talked about everything, they kept no secrets, except one. The woman had a shoe box which she had always cautioned her husband not to open or ask about.

For all these years he had not thought about the box, but one day the woman became very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the man took down the box and brought it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it he found: two crocheted dolls and a stack of money that totalled twenty thousand pounds. When he asked his wife about these contents, she replied: ‘When we were to be married, my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She said that if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.’ The man was so moved that he had to fight back his tears.

There were only two dolls in the box. Fancy that! She had been angry with him just twice in all the years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness! ‘Darling’, he said: ‘that explains the dolls but what about the money?’ ‘Oh,’ she replied: ‘that’s what I made from selling all the other dolls!’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 5/11/2016 7:17 AM (#27545 - in reply to #27538)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Posts: 1932
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Notices To Staff

Dress Code


You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, to enable you to buy better clothes. That’s why you do not need a pay rise either.

If you dress just right, you are clearly where you want to be. Therefore, no pay rise is necessary for you.

Sick Leave

We no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you can go to the doctor, you should also be able to come to work.

Holidays


Each employee receives fifty-two personal holidays per year. They are known as Sundays.

Compassionate Leave


This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to avoid getting involved in the funeral arrangements. Where this is not possible, funerals should be scheduled for late afternoons. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use


As far too much time is spent in the toilets, from now on this will be restricted to three minutes in each cubicle.

At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll retract, the cubicle door fly open and your picture will be taken.

After your second offence, the picture will be posted on the company’s notice board under ‘chronic offenders’.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks


Slim employees get 30 minutes lunch break, as they need to eat more to keep them looking healthy.

Normal size employees get 15 minutes lunch break to get a balanced meal to maintain their figure.

Chubby employees get 5 minutes lunch break, because that’s all the time needed to drink a ‘slim-fast.’

Thank you all for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are a responsible employer, here to provide you all with positive work experiences. Therefore, any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and consternations should be directed elsewhere.

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 5/12/2016 6:37 AM (#27547 - in reply to #27545)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Dramatic Surprises Are In Store For You!

Name:  precious-moments.jpg Views: 0 Size:  6.0 KB

They are waiting for you in a small Belgian Town.
Please follow the link below:

‘Dramatic Surprises’

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 5/19/2016 6:46 AM (#27570 - in reply to #27547)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Tourist Questions
 
Banff National Park – Canadian Rocky Mountains
 
Each one of these questions was heard by the staff of the park’s information kiosks.
 
1. How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the ‘Elk Crossing’ signs?
 
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
 
3. Tourist: ‘How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?’  
    Park Information Staff: ‘ ‘Elk’ ‘  
    Tourist: ‘Oh’.
 
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
 
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
 
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
 
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
 
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
 
9. Are there birds in Canada?
 
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
 
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
 
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
 
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
 
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
 
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
 
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
 
 17. What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?
 
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
 
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
 
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?
 
21. Are there phones in Banff?
 
22. So it’s eight kilometres away. . . is that in miles?
 
23. We’re on the decibel system you know.
 
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
 
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
 
26. Don’t you Canadians know anything?
 
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
 
28. Tourist: ‘How do you get your lakes so blue?’  
      Park staff: ‘We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom.’
      Tourist: ‘Oh!
 
* * *
 
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