A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!
Aquarius
Posted 3/20/2008 8:17 AM (#3889)
Subject: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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 A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!

The Importance Of  Humour

Rays Of Wisdom - Healers And Healing - White Eagle On The Importance Of Humour
 

White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a sense of humour and nothing gives us greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest for life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world does so for good and wise reasons and therefore is right.’

White Eagle ‘Stella Polaris’ February/March 2007: ‘Let us all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we treat as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate or annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our siblings in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the wondrous warming beam of humour.’

White Eagle ‘Sayings of the Gentle Brother – Simplicity’: ‘Do not forget that we, your guides from the world of spirit, are with you always. We look upon all happenings on the Earth plane with great love and sometimes with humour. Oh yes, we have a great sense of humour. Ours is a kindly type of humour and we suggest that yours should also be that way. If you can keep your eyes twinkling, you will find it a great help.’

White Eagle ‘The Quiet Mind – Just Laugh!’: ‘If everything goes wrong, just laugh! Let it have its fling and let it go. Keep your vision upon God and know that in the end everything will come right. That is the truth!’

White Eagle ‘The Source of all our Strength – Enjoy Fun’: ‘Life is not solemn. It is full of joy and fun. Think of life as being eternal and that you – a tiny spark of that Divine life – are learning to walk a path which is leading you to being consciously reunited with your Heavenly Parents. The goal of your life is this union with Divine love and peace and joy and – yes – fun.’

White Eagle ‘On Festivals & Celebrations’: ‘May we all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we see as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate and annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our brothers and our sisters in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the warming beam of humour. But in humour, the same as in all things, it is necessary to be wise, so let yours never be of the unkind but of the kind variety.’

Six pointed Star

Here is my first offering:

Please, always check your e-mail addresses very carefully!

An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left freezing Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday; his wife planned to join him two days later.

The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, he sent his email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. The widow expected messages from relatives and friends, so she decided to check her emails. After reading the first one, she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. Then he noticed the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen to it that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your ever loving husband.
 
P.S. It sure is hot down here!

* * *

 



Edited by Aquarius 4/2/2016 8:47 AM
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MollyB
Posted 3/20/2008 10:00 AM (#3890 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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LOL! Thank you for that bit of comic relief this morning!
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Rose
Posted 3/20/2008 1:28 PM (#3895 - in reply to #3890)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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This is really funny! Thanks for sharing this.
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LeapingDolphin
Posted 3/22/2008 11:31 PM (#3981 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



Awwww that's cute! Good message too.

Leaping Dolphiin
http://www.rogerenergyhealing.com
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Aquarius
Posted 3/23/2008 10:01 AM (#3990 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: RE: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another cup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
Pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway???

Anon.

Just one question one needs to asks oneself reading and that is: 'Who or what is the fruitcake here?'



Edited by Aquarius 3/23/2008 10:03 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#6039 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth’s atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. In the world of spirit, the elder brethren have a sense of humour and nothing gives them greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest of life and a sense of the fitness of things.’

                                   Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
                                      You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry –
                                      Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

I believe that it’s not a good idea to suppress our emotions because that is a sure way into depression. So, whenever the need for it arises, by all means let’s have a little moan and a cry. Then count the many blessings in our lives and smile.

After having shared many serious themes with me, I thought a spot of light relief might be welcome. And if you have any jokes, humorous anecdotes, stories, poems and/or songs to share, this is the spot for doing so. To get the ball rolling, here is my first offering:

God Created Children And Grandchildren

Whenever your children are out of control, take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God is believed to have created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he is supposed to have said was: ‘don’t!’

‘Don’t what?’ Adam replied. ‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!’

‘No way!’

‘Yes way!’

‘Do not eat the fruit!’ God repeated.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I say so!’ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped Creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, He was watching His children having an apple break. By now he was very annoyed and asked them: ‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?’

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it!’ Adam said.

‘I did not!’

‘You did!’

‘I did not!’

Fed up with the two of them, God decided Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Things To Reflect Upon

•    Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home one day.

•    If you have persistently and lovingly tried to share your life’s wisdom with your children and they refuse to take it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think yours would be easier?

•    You spend the first two years of your children’s life teaching them to walk and talk and the following sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.

•    Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

•    Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

•    Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

•    The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that some children are even more difficult than yours.

•    We childproof our homes, but they are still getting in.

•    And no matter what they do, we never stop loving them.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius




Edited by Aquarius 5/21/2013 6:16 AM
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Rose
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#6040 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away



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This is funny! Thanks for sharing Aquarius....
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instinctual
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#6048 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away



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Amen- in other words, I hear that loud and clear! So funny and true!

Thanks Aquarius, as always
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23935 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away



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‘Endeavour to think kind and loving thoughts only and never forget your sense of humour. Nothing lightens your vibrations more quickly and easily than the ability to see the funny side of things, to laugh about them and have fun.’ From ‘The Wake-Up Call’ – Part III

Sermon Of Solace

And now, without further ado, I would like to introduce our main speaker for today, the Reverend Bernard Railing, who I believe is better known to some parishioners as the Railing Reverend. Take it away, Bernie.
 
Thank you, Canon Fodd . . . er . . . Hodder. I had heard that you can always be relied on for a snappy intro. Good morning everyone. It surprises me to think that although I have long been a resident of our fair community, I have never before addressed you here. I know that you have often heard from within these walls and others like them, speeches laden with words of fire and brimstone. You will not get that from me. Instead, you will hear a message of comfort. My theme is thanksgiving – and not of the kind most often expressed in this place. I am thinking of how much we owe to so many groups who have been instrumental in making our much-admired society what it is today. Let me mention some of them.
 
We give thanks to the politicians, reckless spendthrifts on the left and frothing misanthropes on the right, for in the fullness of time they shall meet in the middle and all shall be well. We are particularly grateful that their deeds do not match their words, for if  they were ever to succeed in that respect, our leaders would always be doing something and we would never have a moment’s peace. I think it was Will Rogers who said that we should be thankful that we are not getting all the government we are paying for. We are vastly indebted to the foremost statespeople, past and present, who have exalted patriotism and persuaded their populations that foreigners are a devious lot and not to be trusted an inch. Without such cautions, ordinary folk of various countries might have mingled more freely in times gone by, and possibly have become friendly. Perish the thought!

If this has whetted your appetite and you would like to read the rest of the Reverend’s somewhat off-the-wall eulogy of thanksgiving, please click the link below for:


And if you enjoyed the Reverend’s discourse and are in the mood for some more chuckling, have a good look around because the Courtjester has lots more in store for you.
 
With love and light,
Aquarius
 
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23938 - in reply to #23935)
Subject: Church Bulletins



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Church Bulletins

 

The following announcements really did appear in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

The Fasting And Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’

The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

 

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

 

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 pm – prayer and medication to follow.

 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7  PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

 

Created by Anon.

Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23945 - in reply to #23938)
Subject: The Minds Of Children



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The Minds Of Children

Until children tell us what they are thinking, we can’t begin to imagine how their minds work. Here is an example:

A little boy by the name of Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything they could think of: private tuition, flash cards and special learning centres. Nothing worked. Finally, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t kiss his mother hello, but went straight to his room and started studying.

Each time his mother looked in on him, books and papers were spread all over the room and Zachary was hard at work. She was amazed and whenever she called him down to dinner, to her great surprise, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without saying a word and in no time he was hard at work again.

This went on for some time, day after day. Mother was puzzled about what could be making the difference, until Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and immersed himself in his books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the card. To her astonishment Zachary had got an ‘A’ in maths.  As she could no longer contain her curiosity, she went to his room and said: ‘Son, what is it that makes you work so hard? Is it the nuns?’ Zachary looked at her and shook his head. ‘Well, then,’ she continued, ‘was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms or what?’

Looking up at her with a very serious face, Zachary replied: ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23953 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Whose Job Is It?



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Whose Job Is It?
This is a story about four people whose names were:
Everybody, somebody, anybody and nobody.
There was a job to be done and everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but nobody did.
Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but
Nobody realised that everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that everybody blamed somebody
When nobody did what anybody
Could so easily have done.

Anon.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23957 - in reply to #23953)
Subject: Tasks For Today



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Tasks For Today
1.    Organise
2.    Talk to wife/husband/partner
3.    Re-organise
4.    Talk to wife/husband/partner
5.    Abandon idea
6.    Talk to self!
7.    Then do what has to be done yourself!
 
 


Edited by Aquarius 5/23/2013 10:04 AM
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23963 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hello Aackwa and some also familiar faces:
Aq, I thought you might also post the British walk down memory lane. I thought it might be of great interest to many of us, even though many of us are not British.
When I saw "My Favorite Martian" I immediately transported back to the time when my two younger sisters were sitting on the floor in front of our old Halicrafters television set. They were visibly trembling and
crying as they were absolutely terrified, having been witness to the '50's flying saucer - monsters from space movies. I told them not to be afraid as they would see a Martian unlike any other that they have known before.
The show became a weekly treat and a beloved memory for them. They never forget "Uncle Martin".

Peace to all,
Martin, Luckylee and Poppyhead
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23967 - in reply to #23963)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Marty - I would like to follow your invitation and post the 'British Walk Down Memory Lane' here. Alas, it's an e-mail and not a file attachment. I wouldn't know how to transfer this here, if it's at all possible. If it can be done, would you mind doing it for me please?

Many thanks and with love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23968 - in reply to #23967)
Subject: A Tale Of Three Nuns



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A Tale Of Three Nuns

Heard 21st July 2009 on BBC Radio 4 News: Last Friday a middle aged nun was stopped in Italy for speeding at 110mph. Sister Tavoletta, 56, stated that she and her fellow nuns were on a mercy dash to the injured Pope and that they were truly anxious when they learned his Holiness had broken his wrist. So she piled into her Ford Fiesta with two other sisters, aged 65 and 78, and headed for his holiday retreat in northern Italy. The police pulled her up near Turin after clocking her at a speed of 112mph in a 30mph zone. They suspended her licence and fined her Euros 375 (£323).

Sister Tavoletta’s sixty-five year old colleague had to take over at the wheel for the final leg of the journey to Les Combes, the papal mountain retreat near Val d’Aosta. The sister stated later: ‘The police were shocked to find three nuns of a certain age in the Fiesta. I know we shouldn’t have gone so fast, but the news of his Holiness’s injury had made us truly anxious.’

A police spokesman said: ‘The officers involved were amazed to see three nuns in the Fiesta. It had been clocked at 110 mph.’ The sisters were stopped only hours after the 82 year old Pope’s fall. After undergoing surgery he was well enough to give a blessing to pilgrims on Sunday, with the cast on his right hand clearly visible.

The police spokesman added: ‘Hopefully, Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving. But she will still have to pay the fine.’ The sister has already engaged lawyer Anna Orecchioni, who is famous for her success in defending members of the religious community. She said: ‘I will be taking this before a judge to get the penalty removed and the sister’s licence reinstated. We think we can invoke the ‘state of necessity’ that allows speeding.’

Don’t you just love the image of the lead-footed nun, getting on in years, and her two companions in the back of a clapped out old Ford Fiesta that must have been mightily souped-up to achieve this kind of speed? Maybe one of its previous owners provided it with a racing car engine. Nuns are known to enjoy flying! Were these three by any chance, their cheeks aglow with the thrill and the excitement of excessive speed, habits flapping in the wind, trying to take off? The mind boggles and one cannot help wondering what the real reason behind the dash might have been.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23986 - in reply to #23968)
Subject: Sadsack Publishing



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Sadsack Publishing Company

Dear Mr Underthwaite

Thank you for your letter and welcome to our haven for new writers. We know how weary you must be after labouring so long and hard over your book ‘Reminiscences of my Early Years (1930s and 1940s) in a Yorkshire Mill Town.’ At 18,000 words, the work is only about a quarter of the average book-length, but we are sure you put heart and soul into so noble an opus and if, after what follows here, you choose to submit the manuscript, we shall strive to do it justice.

It is as well that when sending the synopsis, you mentioned having contacted us before any other fringe publishing company, as this gives us the opportunity to acquaint you with what you can expect if you approach our competitors. We have devoted some effort to this matter and have compiled a list of points typically raised by organisations operating in this field. These are given below in bold type, followed by our interpretations. Gird your loins and read on.

We are not in the vanity publishing business. We are in the vanity publishing business.

You will be involved in a cooperative effort: author and publisher. No, you won’t. You have already done the real work in writing the book. Now you will be asked to foot the bill, in advance, for the supposed partner’s contribution. After you have coughed up, the house concerned will have no financial exposure, nor will it incur any other risk.

We offer you the services of our expert editorial staff. That would be Jeremy (32), scion of a middle-ranking aristocratic family. Faced with disinheritance if he didn’t start work, J., who achieved the seemingly impossible by failing university examinations in (a) Art Appreciation and (b) Media Studies, realised that he would have to shape up. Therefore, he joined his old friend and bedmate Annabelle, of impeccable Sloanie credentials. She came up with the idea of founding a business that couldn’t cost much, even if it failed.

You will benefit from our array of sophisticated technical equipment. We borrowed a desktop publishing rig from Annabelle’s sister Evangeline, who was unable to use it, on account of the length of her fingernails.

We have an unrivalled range of media contacts. Not entirely accurate. Jeremy distinguished himself by frequently outdrinking his Irish crony Liam, who later penned two articles for a local rag in some dreary backwater, then drifted into leglessness after the twenty-eighth rejection of his seminal work ‘The Fall of Vercingetorix.’ Annabelle was in touch with an ex-lover who ran a small offshore radio station. Her offer to reinstate the provision of ‘certain favours’ for a consideration was declined.

Our facilities extend to producing your book on the Internet. Of course they do, but consider that many net-users are in search of pornographic entertainment. The rest will probably not have the stamina to get through the thicket to reach your work, regardless of its value. Remember also that book prices via this medium are high, so even slim paperbacks of limited appeal will most likely be offered for £12/15 – hardly tempting to prospective buyers rightly suspicious of pig in a poke deals.

You must accept that in this competitive world, results can be disappointing. Well, that’s dead right. Steel yourself for half a dozen sales, max.

So, Mr Underthwaite, you will see that we are ‘telling it like it is’. You might derive some comfort from learning that we are trying to spare you a good deal of time, effort and postage costs in pursuit of an elusive goal.

Should you wish to proceed, please note that you need have no inhibitions about presenting your work, irrespective of its standard. At the rear of our premises we have a lean-to – well, it’s more like a kennel – in which we confine our in-house hack, Minnie. She is fresh from rehab and, given continued sobriety, will be happy to convert any garbage we receive into acceptable English.

You will have gathered that we do our best to be objective, while trying to avoid discouraging new authors. Perhaps the appropriate expression is ‘tough love’. If you are still disposed to avail yourself of our services, please send your MS., together with a cheque for £4,950, on receipt of which we will do all within our power to advance your writing career. Alternatively, you could spend the same amount on a sea voyage, during which you might find a doting widow, willing to set you up, provided that you are prepared to do whatever may be necessary as a quid pro quo. In our view, your chances of literary success are about the same either way.

Don’t hesitate to let us know if we can be of further service to you.

Yours sincerely

Jamie Stoat
Literary Adviser

                                                 From ‘Madazine’

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#23998 - in reply to #23986)
Subject: Memories



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Memories
Just a note to say that I’m living,
That I’m not among the dead,
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And mixed up in me head.

I’ve got used to me arthritis,
To me dentures I’m resigned;
I can cope with me bi-focals,
But, ye Gods, I miss me mind!

Sometimes I can’t remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
Whether I must go up for something
Or have just come down from there!

And before the fridge so often
Me poor mind is filled with doubt:
Have I just come to put some food away
Or do I need to take it out?

So, if it’s me turn to write to you,
There’s no need for getting sore;
I may have thought I’d written,
And didn’t want to be a bore.

Just remember that I love you
And wish that you were near.
Well, it’s nearly time for the post now,
So I must say: ‘Good bye, me dear!’

And here I stand beside the post-box
Me face is so very red!
Meaning to post this letter,
I’ve opened it instead.

Anon.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24016 - in reply to #23998)
Subject: How To Wash Your Cat



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This one is especially for you, dear Marty.

How To Wash Your Cat

1.    Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2.    Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3.    In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4.    The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5.    Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash-and-rinse.’ Don't worry, kitty won’t go ‘down the tube’, because it won’t fit.

6.    Have someone open the front door of your home. Make sure there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7.    Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, then quickly lift both lids.

8.    The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where she will dry herself off.

9.    Both commode and cat will be squeaky clean.

     Yours sincerely,
     The Dog



Edited by Aquarius 6/9/2013 12:44 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24021 - in reply to #24016)
Subject: What We Can Learn From Cats



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What Cats Can Teach Us

They never:
Sit and worry about tomorrow.
Stay where they are not happy.
Do things they do not want to do.
Tell people everything about themselves.
Go jogging in the midday Sun!

And when the world gets us down and threatens to close in on us, it’s all too easy to forget that life is supposed to be fun. Cats are constant reminders that it is and how we too should go about enjoying life to the fullest. Watch how they always find time to play and although some of their owners buy them expensive toys, they just as happily play with an empty cotton reel, chase a snippet of paper or explore a cardboard box. With this they show us it is possible to gain the greatest pleasure from the most simple things.

So, why not be good to ourselves, be like cats and build much more fun into our lives?
 
Anon.


Edited by Aquarius 6/12/2013 7:04 AM
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24022 - in reply to #24021)
Subject: RE: What We Can Learn From Cats



PhD Alumni

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Location: United Kingdom
Well, cats are also killers, not long descended from the beautiful big cats of the wild, but still with their instinct to kill, that they enact not least by decimating the native bird population certainly of the British Isles, for fun not hunger ...[cats not being native to Albion]

Sorry to put a sour note in ....

I can only guess when humanity has wiped out all the big cats in Africa, India, Siberia, the Himalaya, South America, Indonesia, Sumatra, etc ... future generations can at least look on their feline pets with some recognition as to what the human race has done to with its bequest of Paradise ...

Though too I hear that there is a developing programme of breeding lions for captive game shoots in South Africa, where 'big white hunters' can pay big mega bucks to shoot lions in relative captive 'safety' then take the pelts home to hang on the walls of their condominiums: which just makes me weep for the judgement - and destiny - of the human race

Apologies for not being to share in the joy of cats ... though I am aware they bring comfort to many (hello Marty .....)

as you might imagine i am feeling more than a little world weary of late ...
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24027 - in reply to #24022)
Subject: They Should Have Asked My Husband



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They Should Have Asked My Husband

This world is complicated, imperfect, and oppressed,
And it’s not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed.
It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow;
People want solutions, but they don’t know where to go.
Opinions abound, but who is wrong and who is right?
People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light;
Someone they can turn to, as the crises rage and swirl;
Someone with the remedy, the wisdom and the pearl.

Well, they should have asked my husband!
He’d have told them, then and there,
His thoughts on emigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair,
The future of the monarchy, house prices in the South,
The wait for hip replacements, BSE, and foot and mouth.

Yes, they should have asked my husband!
He can sort out any mess;
He can rejuvenate the railways, and cure the NHS.
So, any little niggle, anything you want to know,
Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go!

Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs,
The damage to the ozone layer, refugees, and drugs?
These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke,
But present it to my husband; he’ll solve it, at a stroke!
He’ll clarify the situation, he will make it crystal clear.

You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs
And the bending of your ear.
Corruption at the top? He’s an authority on that,
And the Maffia, Gadhaffia, and Yassa Arafat.
Upon these areas, he brings his intellect to shine,
In a great, compelling voice
That’s twice as loud as yours or mine.
I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong,
Infallible, articulate, self-confident, and wrong.

When it comes to tolerance, he hasn’t got a lot:
Joy-riders should be guillotined,
And muggers ought to be shot!
The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears,
And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears.

My friends don’t call so often;
They have busy lives, I know,
And it’s not every day one wants to hear
A windbag suck and blow.
Encyclopaedias? On them, we never have to call.
Why clutter up the bookshelf, when my husband knows it all?

Pam Ayres



Edited by Aquarius 6/15/2013 12:38 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24036 - in reply to #24027)
Subject: Husband And Wife



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Husband, reading news article to his wife: ‘I knew it! It says here that women use 30,000 words a day to men’s 15,000.’

Wife: ‘Yes dear, that’s because we have to repeat everything we say to men.’

Husband: ‘What?’
 
* * * 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24080 - in reply to #24036)
Subject: Going Shopping



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Standing in the express lane of my local supermarket, I was quietly fuming because a woman with a shopping trolley piled high with groceries had slipped ahead of me into the express checkout queue. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly: ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’ Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24084 - in reply to #24080)
Subject: Holidaymakers' Joys



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Posts: 1932
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Holidaymakers’ Joys
 
Some genuine comments from customers of Thomas Cook about their holidays.
 
1. ‘I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.’
 
2. ‘It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time. This should be banned.’
 
3. ‘On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don’t like spicy food at all.’
 
4. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimming costumes and towels.’
 
7. ‘The beach was too sandy.’
 
8. ‘We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.’
 
10. ‘Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined, as my husband spent all day looking at other women.’
 
12. ‘No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.’
 
13. ‘There was no egg-slicer in the apartment.’
 
14. ‘We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.’
 
15. ‘The roads were uneven.’
 
16. ‘It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home.’
 
17. ‘I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.’
 
18. ‘The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers. Will we be OK staying there?’
 
19. ‘There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.’
 
20. ‘We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning.’
 
21. ‘It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.’
 
22. ‘I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite.’
 
23. ‘My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were given a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room we booked.’
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24088 - in reply to #24084)
Subject: Latest Survey Results



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‘Latest surveys show that three out of four people make up seventy-five percent of the world’s population.'
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24152 - in reply to #24088)
Subject: The man and the rabbi



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A man went to see his Rabbi and told him: ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
 
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the Rabbi.
 
‘My wife is poisoning me.’
 
‘How can that be?’
 
‘I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
 
‘Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and let you know.’
 
A week later the Rabbi called the man and told him: ‘I contacted your wife by phone and spoke to her for three hours. If I were you, I’d take the poison.’
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24179 - in reply to #24152)
Subject: Why Men Don’t Get Depressed As Easily As Women



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Why Men Don’t Get Depressed As Easily As Women

They are much happier people for very good reasons:

•    Your surname remains the same when you marry.
•    The garage is all yours.
•    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
•    Chocolate is just another snack.
•    You can never be pregnant.
•    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
•    You can wear no shirt to a water park.
•    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
•    The world is your urinal.
•    You never have to drive to another filling station restroom because this one is just too dirty.  
•    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
•    Same work, more pay.
•    Wrinkles add character.
•    Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental $100.
•    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
•    New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
•    Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
•    You know stuff about tanks.
•    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
•    You can open all your own  jars.
•    You get credit for even the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
•    If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friends.
•    Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
•    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for most men.
•    You almost never have strap problems in public.
•    You are unable to see creases in your clothes.
•    Everything on your face stays its original colour.
•    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
•    You only have to shave your face and neck.
•    You can play with toys all your life.
•    One wallet, one pair of shoes and one colour for all seasons.
•    You can wear shorts no matter what kind of legs you have.
•    You can manicure your nails with a pocket knife.
•    You have freedom of choice growing a moustache.
•    You can do Christmas shopping for twenty-five relatives on Christmas eve in less than half an hour.

•    When it comes to nicknames, when Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

•    When men are eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the meal costs only $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Some of them may well do this.

•    It is said that a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, whereas a woman might pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need, but she buys it because it’s in a sale.

•    Apparently, men usually have six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel, where as the average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is supposed to be about fifty. A man would be unable to identify more than twenty of them.

•    Some women believe they have to have the last word in any argument. In that case anything her man would have to say after that would mean the beginning of a new quarrel.

•    Some women are believed to worry about the future until they get a husband, while men never worry about the future until they get a wife.

•    Some women marry a man in the hope that he will change, but he doesn't. He marries a woman and thinks she won't change, yet she does.

•    A woman dresses up to go shopping, but first she waters the plants, empties the trash, answers the phone, reads a book and fetches the mail. Men, on the other hand, dress up for weddings and funerals only.

•    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed – that’s what they think, in any case. And some women seem to believe that somehow they have deteriorated during the night.

•    Women know everything about their children, their dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams. Some men are only vaguely aware that several small people are living are sharing their home.
 
                                                      * * *


Edited by Aquarius 8/23/2013 5:40 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24182 - in reply to #24179)
Subject: The Lawnmower



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‘My neighbour asked whether he could use my lawnmower and I told him he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.’ Eric Morecambe
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24209 - in reply to #24182)
Subject: The Tale of the Church Squirrels



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The Tale Of The Church Squirrels
 
Once upon a time, there was a small town with five different religious establishments.
They were:
 
The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Lutheran Church
The Catholic Church
The Jewish Synagogue.
 
Each of them was over-run by squirrels. One fine day, the Presbyterians called a meeting to decide what could be done about them. After many prayers and deep reflections they came to the decision that the squirrels were destined to be there and as such, they had no right to interfere with God’s sacred will. 
 
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken over the baptistery. The deacons thought it would be best to put a cover on this part of the church and then drown the squirrels in it. However, the squirrels escaped and it did not take long until there were twice as many of them in this church.
 
The Lutheran Church believed they had no right to harm any of God’s creatures. So they humanely trapped the squirrels, took them a few miles outside of town and set them free. Three days later, all of them had returned.
 
The Catholic Church came up with what, to them, appeared to be the best and most effective solution. They baptised each squirrel and registered all of them as members of their church. As a result, the squirrels can now only be seen at Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter. 
 
Not bad, not bad at all, thought those in charge of the Jewish Synagogue. The head rabbi rubbed his hands and said: ‘We can do better!’ Quietly, they caught one of the male squirrels and after a short service of dedication circumcised him. No more squirrels were ever seen anywhere near the Synagogue.

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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24244 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Veteran

Posts: 179
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Location: Ribbin' a Woman - Alberta+ British Columbia Canada
lol! That must have been where they had the Arts and Craft sale from the Churches. Most items were $5 or under. That is until they came to the Synagogue's Table. Dradles, little Minora's, and stuff all $5, but there was a small Change Purse there for $100. "Hey, what's the story with the little wallet for $100?" I said. "Oh, That! It is made out of foreskins! You rub it and it changes into a Suitcase!!!!" [ducks Tomatoes an' runs...]

Edited by alpha+omega 9/4/2013 6:56 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24264 - in reply to #24244)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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Where are my tomatoes???
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24266 - in reply to #24244)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



PhD Alumni

200020001002525
Location: United Kingdom
that's an old joke A+O, when I heard it some years ago, it was to be a retirement present for a Moyle (is that how you spell the Yiddish word?)

never was sure if it had anti-Semitic undertones or not ...

(Exeunt, pursued by a bear..)

Edited by Paul Joseph 9/8/2013 11:02 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24322 - in reply to #24266)
Subject: Gaffiti LIves!



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From ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24337 - in reply to #24322)
Subject: RE: Gaffiti Lives!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

Make love not war.
See driver for details.
(On the back of a van)

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24478 - in reply to #24337)
Subject: RE: Gaffiti Lives!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24546 - in reply to #24478)
Subject: RE: Graffiti Lives!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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More from ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees:

Do not adjust your mind!
There is a fault in reality.

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24622 - in reply to #24546)
Subject: Growing Older



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Posts: 1932
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‘Many a man who couldn’t direct you to the corner shop when he was thirty, will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.’ Finlay Dunne
 
‘Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.’ Anon.

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24638 - in reply to #24622)
Subject: Letter to the Bank Manager



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The following is a letter that really was sent by an eighty-six year old woman to her bank manager. He found it so amusing that he decided to have it published in the Times.
 
Dear Sir:
 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
 
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by a cheque that is addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you will have to nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
 
Please find attached an Application for Contact, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order for me to know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
 
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure. The mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
 
Immediately After Dialling, Press The Star (*) Button For English
 
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
 
#2. To query a missing payment.
 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
 
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
 
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. This password will be sent to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact person.
 
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9.
 
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
 
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
 
Your Humble Client.
 
 
P.S. Remember not to make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to cheese us off entirely.

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24648 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Overcrowding In Heaven

Heaven had become so overcrowded that it was decided that for one day only people would be accepted who had really had a bad day when they departed from the Earth plane. This is how it came about that St Peter was standing at the pearly gates and asked the next man who appeared before him: ‘Tell me about the day you died.’

‘Oh, it was awful!’ the man replied. ‘Because I was convinced that my wife was having an affair, I came home early to catch her in flagrante. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find anything. So I took a look at the balcony, we live on the 25th floor. Lo and behold! I found a man who was hanging over the edge by his fingertips, so I quickly fetched a hammer and started hitting his hands. With a mighty scream the man let go. He landed in some bushes, so I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of all this gave me a heart attack, and I died.’ St. Peter couldn’t deny that this really had been a bad day and because he was dealing with a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He turned to the next man in line. ‘It was awful,’ this one said. ‘I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I had to let go, but luckily I landed in some bushes. To crown it all, someone dropped a refrigerator on me!’ He too was allowed into Heaven.

Turning to the next man, St Peter said: ‘Tell me about the day you died.’ Back came the reply: ‘I was naked and hiding inside a refrigerator . . .’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24674 - in reply to #24648)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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Grading Test Papers

From a catholic elementary school test. The children were asked questions about the Old and the New Testament. The following twenty-five statements are the children’s original work, without any corrections. The incorrect spelling was left intentionally.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.


14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24677 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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The New Seniors’ Exam Paper

For a pass only four correct answers out of the ten questions are needed.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Here are the answers:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24692 - in reply to #24677)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Offspring
 
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

‘My son,’ said one proudly, ‘has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.’

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. ‘He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.’

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

‘To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned out,’ he replies. ‘For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.’

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, ‘but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.’
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24709 - in reply to #24692)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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‘Growing old is not nice, but it is interesting.’ Maurice Chevalier
 
‘Getting old is not so bad when you consider the alternative.’ Maurice Chevalier

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24806 - in reply to #24709)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Heteronyms

In linguistics, a heteronym (also known as a heterophone) is a word that is written identically but has a different pronunciation and meaning. In other words, they are homographs that are not homophones. Thus, row (propel with oars) and row (argument) are heteronyms, but mean (intend) and mean (average) are not (since they are pronounced the same). Heteronym pronunciation may vary in vowel realisation, in stress pattern (see also Initial-stress-derived noun), or in other ways.
  
1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce  produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse  .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he  would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in  the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it  was time to
    present the present .
8) A bass was  painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove  into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The  insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the  oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close  it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A  seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with  planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong  for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I  shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of  tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate  friend?

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no  egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in  pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries  in France
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t  sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its  paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are  square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a  pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t  fing, grocers don’t
groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of  tooth is teeth, why
isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2  geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem  crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch  of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call  it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an  asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a  play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have  noses that run and feet that smell.

How can a slim chance  and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are  opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in  which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a  form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going  on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and  it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not  a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,  but when the
lights are out, they are  invisible.

PS. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with  ’quick’?

And then there is a two-letter word that  perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is  ’UP.’

It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the  sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why  do we wake UP ? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we  speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to  the secretary to write UP
a report? We call UP our friends. And we use  it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver; we warm UP the  leftovers and clean UP the
kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys  fix UP the old car. At
other times the little word has real special  meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an  appetite, and think UP
excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be  dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is  stopped UP . We open UP a
store in the morning but we close it UP at  night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To  be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in
the  dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the  page and
can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it,  you might
try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will  take UP a
lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP  with a
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is  clouding UP . When the sun
comes out we say it is clearing UP .   When it rains, it wets the earth
and often messes things UP . When it  doesn’t rain for awhile, things
dry UP .

One could  go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP ,  
so.......it is time to shut UP !

Now it’s UP to you  what you do with this.
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24895 - in reply to #24806)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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A little boy who was with his mother in a doctor’s waiting room walked over to a pregnant lady. After having taken a good look at her, he asked why her tummy was so big. ‘Because I’m having a baby,’ she replied with a smile.
 
The boy thought about this for a moment, then said: ‘Is the baby in your tummy?’ She confirmed that it was. This seemed to puzzle the lad, so he asked: ‘Is your baby a good one?’
 
‘Well yes, it surely is,’ replied the lady.
 
With a surprised and shocked look on his face, the boy replied: ‘Then why have you eaten it?’
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24916 - in reply to #24895)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Memories

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favourite ‘fast food’ when you were growing up?’ ‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him. ‘All food was slow.’ ‘Come on, seriously.. Where did you eat?’ ‘It was a place called ‘home,’ I explained. ‘Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’ By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I thought I’d better not tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some of the other things I would have told him about my childhood if had thought his system could have handled it:

Many parents never owned their house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card. My parents never drove me to school. I was glad to have a bicycle that weighed about fifty pounds. It only had one speed and that was slow.

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was tne and then it was black and white. All stations, of which there weren’t many, closed down at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue. They came back on the air at about 6 am and then there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on that featured local people and their interests.

Pizzas were unknown and certainly not delivered to our home, but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and most boys delivered newspapers. My brother did this, seven days a week. He had to get up at six every morning.

Film stars kissed each other with their mouths shut. In the films that is. There were no movie ratings because all of them were produced responsibly, so that everyone could enjoy them without having to see and listen to profanity, sex and violence.

From the memories of one of my friends. My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died recently) and brought me an old lemonade bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to sprinkle clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons.

How many of these things do you remember?
  • Headlight dip-switches on the floor of cars.
  • Ignition switches on the dashboard.
  • Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
  • Soldering irons that had to be heated on a gas burner.
  • Using hand signals for cars before indicators were invented..

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

  1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Pubs with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test picture that came on at night after the last show and were there until start-up next morning. At first there were only two channels.
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tubs with wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell anyone your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You’re ancient!

I must be ancient, and am glad of it, because the memories of the above things go back to some of the best parts of my life.

* * *


Edited by Aquarius 3/12/2014 7:47 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24941 - in reply to #24916)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Exercise Is Good For You!
 
A man meets one of his neighbours and tells him that he is going to take up exercise because he has heard that this adds years to one’s life. They meet again the following day and the neighbour asks how the new routine is going. ‘It works,’ came the reply. ‘I ran round the block three times yesterday and already I feel ten years older.’

* * *


Edited by Aquarius 3/22/2014 1:43 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24973 - in reply to #24941)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Here is something that is not really a chuckle, but is sure to put a smile on your face.

Springtime In Your Very Own Flower Garden

Spring has only just arrived on the calendar and outside and not many flowers have appeared so far, on the Internet you can make it happen!

Please, click on the link below and up comes a blank black page. Click your cursor anywhere on this page. Move it to and fro and watch the magic of your flower garden unfold.



Enjoy!


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Edited by Aquarius 4/6/2014 6:11 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#24994 - in reply to #24973)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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From The Mouths Of Children

 A new teacher was trying to make use of what she had learned in her psychology studies. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, One of the children stood up. The teacher said: ‘Do you think you’re stupid?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

* * *

 A little boy watched with fascination as his mother smoothed cold cream onto her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘Are you giving up?’ asked the lad.

* * *

A kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ With a puzzled look on its face the child replied: ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

* * *

A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ The father replied: ‘Whenever I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. With a worried look on his face, the lad replied: ‘Dad, I think the Parcel Force man wants to buy mum.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25035 - in reply to #24994)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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White Eagle ‘Stella Polaris’ February/March 2007: ‘Let us all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we treat as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate or annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our siblings in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the wondrous warming beam of humour.’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25040 - in reply to #25035)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Reflections By Will Rogers
 
William Penn Adair Rogers was better known as Will Rogers. He was born November 4, 1879 and died August 15, 1935. He was an American cowboy, comedian, humorist, social commentator, vaudeville performer and actor and one of the best-known celebrities in the 1920s and 1930s.
 
Known as Oklahoma's favourite son, Rogers was born to a prominent Cherokee Nation family in Indian Territory, now part of Oklahoma. He travelled ound the world three times, made 71 movies, 50 silent films and 21 talkies, wrote more than 4,000 nationally-syndicated newspaper columns and became a world-famous figure. By the mid-1930s, Rogers was adored by the American people. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era and also a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the time. Rogers died in 1935 with aviator Wiley Post, when their small airplane crashed near Barrow, Alaska.

 
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
 
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
 
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.
 
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
 
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
 
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.
 
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.
 
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
 
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.
 
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
 
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
My advice: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
Finally: Never squat while wearing your spurs!
 
About Growing Older
 
First ~You will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.
 
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
 
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
 
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
 
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it's such a nice change from being young.
 
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
 
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft. Today they call it golf.
 
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at your troubles,
you'll certainly have nothing to laugh at when you're old.
 
* * *
 
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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25056 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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When I think of algebra I want to go back to youth.

When I laugh at my troubles I want to laugh at nothing when I am old.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25084 - in reply to #25056)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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cause - 5/3/2014 5:26 AM When I think of algebra I want to go back to youth. When I laugh at my troubles I want to laugh at nothing when I am old.

I prefer laughing with rather than at something. How about you?  And if there's nothing left to laugh about when we're old, what a sad world that would be. So, let's keep on smiling - keep on laughing. With love - Aquarius



Edited by Aquarius 5/10/2014 2:34 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25098 - in reply to #25084)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Lawn Mowing With A Difference

To my mind, this is the funniest video ever.
Please click the words below:

The Lawn Mower

Best watched full screen.

Enjoy!

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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25108 - in reply to #25084)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Student

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Location: Bellingham
Aquarius - 5/10/2014 2:34 PM

cause - 5/3/2014 5:26 AM When I think of algebra I want to go back to youth. When I laugh at my troubles I want to laugh at nothing when I am old.

I prefer laughing with rather than at something. How about you?  And if there's nothing left to laugh about when we're old, what a sad world that would be. So, let's keep on smiling - keep on laughing. With love - Aquarius

 My comment was simply that I did not desire to have troubles when I grow old. . . 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25233 - in reply to #25108)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Role Swapping
 
A man was tired of going to work every day and envied his wife who stayed at home to bring up their children. He wanted her to become aware of how hard and difficult his lot was compared to hers and so one fine day he prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I go to work every day and put in eight hours of toil, while my wife just stays at home. I don’t think that’s fair. I want her to know about my lot in life, so she can appreciate what an easy time she is having. How about swopping our roles for a day, she doing my work and I hers?’
 
The Universe, in Its infinite wisdom, decided to grant the man’s wish and the next morning he woke up as a woman. Immensely pleased with himself, he got up and cooked breakfast for the family. Then he raised the children from their slumbers and got their school clothes ready. Having breakfasted with them, he packed their lunches and drove them to school. Upon returning home he picked up the dry cleaning and took it to the cleaners, stopping at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went to the supermarket to shop for groceries and drove home to put them away. Following this he paid some bills and balanced the check book.
 
He then cleaned the cat’s litter tray and bathed the dog, made the beds and attended to the laundry, followed by some dusting, vacuuming and mopping the kitchen floor. Oh dear! Time for picking the children up from school. On their way home they got into an argument. On their arrival home he served them some milk and biscuits and after that supervised their homework.
 
Having attended to the children’s needs, he got the ironing board ready and watched TV whilst getting on with his ironing. At 4.30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and prepared vegetables to make a salad for the evening meal. Having partaken in it, he tidied up the kitchen and got the dishwasher going. He then folded some laundry, bathed the children and put them to bed.
 
By nine o’clock in the evening he was so exhausted that although his daily chores were by no means finished, all he had energy left for was to go to bed. Alas, instead of being allowed to go to sleep and get some well deserved rest, he was expected to make love. To his own amazement, he managed to get through it without complaint.
 
Upon waking the next morning, he immediately went down on his knees by the side of his bed and prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I don’t know what I was thinking the other day. I now know how wrong it was to envy my wife’s staying at home all day. Please, oh please, will you make me into a man again? I promise I will do everything you want me to.’
 
The Universal life force, in its infinite wisdom smilingly replied: ‘My dearest child, I can see how worn out you are and that you have learnt your lesson. I would be happy enough to change things back to the way they were, but you’ll have to wait nine months because you became pregnant last night.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25240 - in reply to #25233)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Quotes
 
If you ever think you’re not quite intelligent enough, read this. It will help you to feel like a genius.
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,’
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.
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  ‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’
Mariah Carey
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‘Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.’
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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 ‘I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.’
Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.
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‘Apart from the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.’
Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  ,  DC  .
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‘That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.’
A congressional candidate in  Texas  ..
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‘Half this game is ninety percent mental.’
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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 ‘It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
Al Gore, Vice President
           ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
 ‘I love  California  . I practically grew up in  Phoenix.’
 Dan Quayle
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‘We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?’
Lee Iacocca
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‘The word ‘genius’ isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.’
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
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‘We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.’
 Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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‘Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.’
Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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‘Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.’
Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
‘If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.’
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25247 - in reply to #25240)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
‘When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. When you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity.’ Albert Einstein
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25248 - in reply to #25247)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Here is another video that is sure to put a smile on your face,

A New Use For Empty Beer Bottles

To find out how it’s done, please click the words below:

Empty Beer Bottles

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25255 - in reply to #25248)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
How's The Day Going For You?
 
One day, feeling utterly deject and miserable, I was sitting at a bar, just staring at my drink. Suddenly, a big biker, who looked like a trouble maker, stepped up to me, grabbed my drink and gulped it down in one swig.
 
When I burst into tears, he growled menacingly: ‘Well, what are ye going do about it?’ After a moment or two he continued: ‘Come on, I didn’t think you’d weep over a triviality like this. I can’t stand watching men crying.’
 
‘This is the worst day of my life,’ I replied. ‘I’m a complete failure. First I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance to replace it. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and found my wife in bed with another man. As the crowning glory of my day, the dog bit me. And so I came to this bar to help me work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought myself a drink and dropped a capsule into it. As I was watching the poison dissolve, you showed up and drunk it.
 
But, enough about me, how’s the day going for you?’
 

* * *

 
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Webmaster
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25257 - in reply to #25255)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Forum Administrator

Posts: 170
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Aquarius - 7/10/2014 7:48 AM

But, enough about me, how’s the day going for you?

LOL, what a story. Drink mix: 1 part Aries, 2 parts Scorpio, with a twist, of course.

I used to say in Astronet:

Aries Statement:

Enough about me, what do you think of me?


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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25259 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Student

100100100100
Location: Bellingham
I am a little unclear about astrology. Is,"enough about me, what do you think about me?" particularly a statement of a person who's sun is in Aries?

Edited by cause 7/10/2014 11:01 PM
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Webmaster
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25260 - in reply to #25259)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Forum Administrator

Posts: 170
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Well, it is tongue-in-cheek humor. But it is a "typical" Aries quality to be quite innocently self-centered.

And everyone has a slice of Aries in their chart!

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25263 - in reply to #25260)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

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Very true - we all have everything somewhere in our charts, including Aries.

With love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25285 - in reply to #25263)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
The Wedding Anniversary Gift
 
A married couple in their early sixties was celebrating its twenty-eighth wedding anniversary in a quiet and romantic little restaurant. Suddenly a beautiful tiny fairy appeared before them on their table, who said: ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so kind and loving to each other for such a long time, I am granting each one of you a wish. What shall it be?’
 
Without hesitation the wife answered: ‘I would like to travel around the world with my darling husband’. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II lay before them.
 
The husband, however, had to think about the matter for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come my way again. I’m sorry my love, but I would like to have a wife who is thirty years younger than I am.’
 
Both fairy and wife were deeply disappointed. ‘But,’ the fairy said, ‘A wish is a wish and I will fulfil it.’ With that, she waved her magic wand and poof! In an instant, before the wife’s eyes her husband grew into a ninety-two year old man.
 
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful do well never to forget that fairies are female.
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25300 - in reply to #25285)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Rejuvenation
 
A lady in her late forties felt that she could do with some major plastic surgery, hoping that it would make a new woman out of her. On the operation table she had an out-of-the-body experience in which she met God who told her that she was going to live for another fifty years. As soon as she had sufficiently recovered from her ordeal, she hurled herself into a huge rejuvenation programme, lost two stone, had a facelift, a nose job and breast implants, some liposuction and she also dyed her hair.
 
A year later, the woman was hit by a car and killed. Upon reaching Heaven, she rushed up to God and shouted furiously: ‘You told me I was going to live for another fifty years on the Earth plane!’ ‘I’m very sorry about that,’ said God, ‘I just didn’t recognise you.’
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25308 - in reply to #25300)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Canadian Moments Of Surprise

Please follow the link below:

‘Canadian Surprises’

* * *
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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25314 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Student

100100100100
Location: Bellingham



Conspiracy buffs beware. The black opp is real and it is poetry
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25333 - in reply to #25314)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Another video to make you smile.

The Latest In Music Making

Have you ever heard of a carrot clarinet?

In case you would like to have a go at making one yourself,
please follow the link below:

‘The Carrot Clarinet’

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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25335 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Student

100100100100
Location: Bellingham


I thought you said he played the tuber!

strangely repulsed.

cause
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25346 - in reply to #25335)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
On-Line Dating Advertisements

Foxy Lady From Kings Point
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4’ – used to be 5’6’ – searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-Term Commitment: Boca Teca
Recent widow – have just buried fourth husband and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now: Century Village - Lyons Road
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile: Tamarac
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Beatles Or Stones?
I still like to rock, cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick or by now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

Memories Are Made Of This
I can usually remember Monday to Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our heads together.

In Mint Condition
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts, including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Who says the seniors in Florida
don’t know how to make good use of the Internet?

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25354 - in reply to #25346)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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 A Journey With A Difference
Plus
A Study In Human Behaviour

In this video you can watch people roaring with laughter when there is nothing funny about.
Probably, they are behaving this way because they are frightened out of their wits.
If you wish to make this trip with them, please follow the link below:


* * *

The road between Kishtwar and the basecamp of Kishtwar Kailash, a 6,451m mountain, is one of the scariest roads in the world. It’s located at the eastern extremity of the Kishtwar District of the Jammu region in Jammu and Kashmir, India.

To reach this trail, you can arrive from the west, taking the road over the Rohtang Pass from Manali to the Chenab Valley and then following the Darlang Valley to the base of the mountain. The climb is simply terrible with a high degree of steepness and a notorious lack of oxygen that tests the human organism. The area has been more or less closed to mountaineers for political reasons since the early 1990s.

The road is winding, in some places only wide enough for one vehicle, and in many places bordered on one side by cliffs and on the other side by a drop of hundreds of meters, unprotected by guardrails. The last fifty kilometres of road to the start of the ascent proved to be extremely frightening. Words can’t describe the road and pictures don’t do justice to it.

The surface of the road is gravel, stones and sand and it has been carved into the side of a cliff. The one lane path had no guard rail and the overhanging cliff was so low that the van barely fitted, with an over six hundred metres drop, water cascading down in parts and rocks hanging down that obstruct the view of oncoming traffic.

* * *


Edited by Aquarius 8/14/2014 6:23 AM
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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25355 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Veteran

Posts: 179
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Location: Ribbin' a Woman - Alberta+ British Columbia Canada

I'm sure Tick Old Pink has a billion of 'em when he comes around gain. Typo: "A"gain. What is it with astronauts dropping "A" out of sentences anyways? That's one small step for "A" grammar... Must be Moon Bugs

Here comes one...

God is sitting around bored In The Beginning.

He Thought to Himself "I have an Idea!"

Instantly there was Light.

The Engineer, with the Holy Ghost in this Universe also just created by the nested paradox of a singularity having both a thought and an Idea, says, "Look Dad, are we here to fzck around or get this show on the road?" lulz

Wait for it...

OK I made that one up... Here's a good Plagiarized one...

 

We heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says his life is harsh and cruel. Say he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.

Man bursts into tears. "But doctor.....I am Pagliacci"



Edited by alpha+omega 8/14/2014 8:56 PM
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25359 - in reply to #25355)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



PhD Alumni

200020001002525
Location: United Kingdom
Hi Alpha+Omega

Long time no speak - good to see you coming down for air ... one problem though is,

he cannot have been Pagliacci - I AM !!

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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25362 - in reply to #25359)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Veteran

Posts: 179
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Location: Ribbin' a Woman - Alberta+ British Columbia Canada

In that case, take a couple Apple Leaves an' call me in AM lulz Beware the insecticide risk if from edible apple trees. The ones with live bugs on them and washing before eating... May be OK. PRN, Stat, and check in when the bugs start crawling out of you.

If you have guts, try a whole salad, but it may make you a little queasy when it hits home those things have been in you for years. I smoke, and they do not like my vital organs so they steer around them. Wal Mart has olive leaf extract which is ok, but not as powerful as the Apple which is big iron. It is also compatible with Seroquel. It boosted the anti-depressant effect for me to the point where I was getting a little TOO Anti-Depressed , so cut 'em back a notch a couple weeks in or so...

Anyawys, how many sawbones Workin' For The Weak End u got there? lulz

If you got an ounce of Psi left in ya, your Ticks will thank you profusely for  the Upgrade to Da Loo ! lol Trust me... It's no Fantasy , and I'm Not A Doctor! ™ Who Knew ?

Anyways, enough o' dat sappy shzt... I am an Udo fan lulz But back to work at MIT ... No rest for the Tick-ed

Get it ? Yet?

.



Edited by alpha+omega 8/15/2014 6:45 PM
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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25365 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Veteran

Posts: 179
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Location: Ribbin' a Woman - Alberta+ British Columbia Canada

Tick Talk Times Special Weakend  Edition

The Story of General E. Boring, RCAF, USAF Ret. s


Edit Delete

Evander Aloyace "Ace" Boring was born a bastard that fateful day, December 13, 1913. The only way things could have been worse was if there were 13 months in the year, and he were born a month late. Shortly afterwards, uncannily like the circumstances of A+O (α+ω's) birth, He was to be left on the doorstep of the local Orphanage, Our Holy Mother of Gaud, in Seattle, WA,  with little more than the message pinned to his little crib an' swaddling clothes, "Please look after this lil' Bastard. <3, His Mom." No one would ever guess that from these tragic and heart rending pitiful beginnings, this little Engineering Bastard would build an empire in the newly forged industry of Manned Air and Space Flight, rivalling any on the Planet. Engineering? We can only assume it was meant to be... "When it came to anything with building planes out of anything from aluminum and stainless steel to snot rags and toothpicks, Ace had learned to do so much with so little for so long he was eminently qualified to do anything with nuthin'!," stated editor Etoin Shrdlu, and with more than a hint of a great irreverance in his voice, at the Roast and dedication of Ace's latest venture, The Boring L6L Mk. 1.

"Yeah, I suppose the Artsies will make up some bullshzt story about it" continued Shrdlu, referring to  http://www.boeing.com/boeing/Features/2014/08/corp_redbarn_heritage... , "But I've known about Boring since I was shzttin' yellow!" Indeed, any Boring landing was a good one they thought, and if they find the plane, bonus; Sweeeet!

 The Red Boring Barn

Well, eventually word got around, either by word of mouth or Darwinian happenstance, that Boring landings were indeed the best, and eventually Boring crushed even the more exciting competition  from the likes of Curtiss-Wrong™, Law+Keyed-Martin™, and McDunno-Dugless™ in the Aerospace Industry. Since those days in the old Red Boring Barn, Boring has branched out to include everything from moonrockets to Clowe-Snuff™ inertial navigation systems for ICBM's. Even Boring's peers sang His praises. "When I thought I had done something really good, it turns out that that old Boring sonofabztch had already done it better!" opined his old poker and smoker pal General Ty Nammix™, having served God and Country with Ace through multiple tough times.

Boring L6L And Rightly so...

"With the imminent launch of the L6L, we are poised to Take Boring to new levels!" explained Michael V. Baker, J.A.F.E. , Notorious Test E-Pilot, and Project Manager of Boring's new products division "With comfortable seating of up to 2,000,000 in the basic configuration, up to 42,000,000 in the Economy carrier "Czar Dean" version, and the ability to transport entire planets in the overhead juggage racks, it'll Knock the Artsies dead... Sure teach 'em to NEVAH fzck with the Engineers again anyways! It'll truly be 'the shzt heard 'round the Wurld' if not the Whole fzckin' Universe!" he beamed as he readied the AERA Spacecraft for a last walk around which could conceivably take a long time as it was a tinch larger than Redmond, Sea-Tac, Victoria, and Vancouver put together.

Takes a lickin' & keeps on Tickin' 

"Anyways, Time's tickin, gotta go" Mike explained as he continued the walk-around for the maiden voyage . "There's No Rest for the Tick-Ed." Indeed there was not due to the entropic nature of his very existence. "I Stink, therefore I am!" explained the little stinker, "But the governments of Alberta and B.C. in their combined wisdom denied my existence through a doppleganger paradox fzck-up/down where they mis-spelled my name on my Alberta Birth Certificate. In short, they created the longest worst nightmare and best of both worlds that they will have time to solve in the infinitely patient/impatient Hell that also exists from their hubris." Also indeed he could now Marry Himself and receive double pension and government benefits if he wanted to. "Nahh, I'm too ugly," he explained, "Plus I wouldn't pizz on those bureaucratically crippled shztheads if they were on fire, which I think they are now. It's Divine Justice indeed for those begging for it too." Well. allefty/righty then as Jim Carrey would eventually come to say.

When asked for comments on this hit piece, MIT Engineer Tom Scholz, notorious leader of the band of angels known as "Boston ,"  exclaimed, "Jesus, We ain't no Angels!" creating yet another paradox that further compounded the Greatest Fzck-Up/Down of all Time. "The thing I find most intriguing about the L6L is that it runs on bullshzt, which is shrewdly environmental, yet infinite in it(')s very nature!" Mike added, ""When I storyboarded the L6L, that was important. We needed it to run on something that would never end, and by all accounts, we had no shortage of. Then there was budget. We had no budget. So I found some constipated accountants," He explained, "And they could simply work it out with their pencils! To say that Management was pleased would be the Understatement of All Time." Using finely crafted techniques from his AERA bag of tricks, he also had to make the L6L compatible for a Universal Expansion of Ebay, and so it could hold near infinite amounts of fake guitars, Rolex's with two "LL's" in them, and rubber dogshzt from China.

Get the Spanish Pun? lulz

 "That was somewhat important - Making the L6L a true multi-purpose vehicle at the flick of a switch. This would also make Unions, Administration, and Management obsolete in an Aikido move pitting them in a 3 way Mother of all Battles to the death against each other somewhere way outta the picture so the Engineers could finally get something done. Then I threw a veritable Wermacht of a Safety Nazi Department at 'em. I haven't heard from them since."

So what about H.R.? Mike went on, "HR was a huge problem for us, only having one Human amongst the whole God darned lot of us, so I outsourced to alien species. Ticks were instrumental in getting this done like dinner. They were all too happy to help as this was infinitely better than being trapped in some azzhole since John Glenn inadvertently gave them, the so called intelligent "Fireflies," the way to get the first bunch inside the atmosphere and around the whole burning up in the atmosphere glitch." The Ticks actually said they hitched a ride on the Bell X2 High Altitude rocket plane flights as well, along with several experimental hydrogen balloons, since the early 50's. Chick Yeager was the First Tick and indeed did have the Left Stuff as it would become to be known in Baker's esoteric vocabulary. What took so long? "Chuck Norris did in fact build Rome in a day. He was busy though."

I <3 Can Add, Huh?
 

What about Canada, and their totally bloated bureaucratic nightmare of a government? Won't they doth protest that you used Americans... err... Aliens? "Don't worry about those shztheads. I fixed their wagons, and what did I get in return? So I made a few modifications to their, umm, structure! They'll be busy for eternity undoing THAT one! lulz" Indeed the dumbazzes... See? It's catching!... had not yet figured out that borders were a huge scam devised by banks since Rothschild was a Bauer Skate in the old man's eyes.

WTF? lol 

Fly United... Canada Gubmint Style

So how is Mother Nature doing these days? I think she likes you a lot from your picture together here."Oh, she's just fine. The paradox there is that she is way too smart to EVAH fzck with a UBC Engineer," said Mike wistfully, "so it can be a tad lonely at times even though we sleep together often enough, and Her gentle snoring comforts me. I get free courses in advanced Bztch Craft plus Hell Squared from Her simply with a good natured scorning and I dunno what d'Hell she sees in Me! Anyways, I have a lot of Good Ideas for Hell 2.0 from Her. We are pals to the n'th degree, I'm always ribbin' Her, and she is my designated driver on Karaoke nights. Sometimes Grandma Nature, Mother, and I all go there together. Grandma is her spittin' image, and reportedly sings like a Genuine Angel . She knows I have every kind of co0+ie known to man and several more with this whole Surveyor's Lyme thing, but doesn't know that I have it beat thanks to Grandma's (Mine, not Her's) Apple Tick Remedy for Ticks and Humans becoming the Mother of All Magic Bullets for Ticks wanting to give us the boot. She is also not aware that every man, woman, etc., and child on the planet is infected now to various stages of the illness. Ticks have run out of space which is a uniquely earth bound problem to them, having lived in the boundless void of space for eons. With the L6L, we will be able to give them a lift back!"

Mother Nature gets her nails done @ Mecca Spa 

"Those aren't the only courses I take too. Infinity Engineering school takes Patience. I've worn out a handful of Timex's that actually stopped tickin' while here. To be fair, one stopped tickin' after a good dickin' an' dunkin' between batteries though. But I digress... Even Job dropped out part way through Infinity! Whiner!".

To Be Continued...

"



Edited by alpha+omega 8/21/2014 10:05 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25369 - in reply to #25365)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Church Light Bulbs

How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Charismatic: Only one – hands are already in the air anyway.

  • Roman Catholic: None – they use candles.

  • Baptist: Change??!!??!!

  • Pentecostal: Ten – one to change, nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

  • Presbyterian: None – God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

  • Anglican: Ten – one to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they like they old one better.

  • Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

  • Methodists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change.

  • Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for light bulbs. However, if in your own journey, you have found a light bulb that works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25397 - in reply to #25369)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
What Is A Moron?

You can find the definition in the parody of
Dean Martin’s song ‘That's Amore’ by Al Mahan
Please follow the link below:

‘That’s a Moron!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *

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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25398 - in reply to #25397)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Veteran

Posts: 179
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Location: Ribbin' a Woman - Alberta+ British Columbia Canada

lol

Physics dictates there should also be a "Mor-Off" but who knows where they hide them?

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25409 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
The End Of Maxine
  

As we progress ever deeper into the year 2014, I want to thank you for all your educational e-mails over the past year. Because of them I am now so screwed up that I have little chance of recovery.
 
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
 
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
 
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
 
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
 
I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
 
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
 
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered when I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
 
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
 
I do not go to shopping centres any more, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
 
Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
 
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up any coin I find in the car park because it was probably put there by a sex Molester who is waiting to grab me as I bend over.
 
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by a Violin Spider and my hand falls off.
 
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!
 
Oh, and by the way, a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.  Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. 
 
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 foot out of the toilet..
 
Have a good day.
 
* * *
 
P.S. I hope you all familiar with Maxine, the elderly lady of e-mail fame.


Edited by Aquarius 9/9/2014 7:23 AM
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Webmaster
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25416 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Actually ... and this is a TRUE story ...

The first time I went to a horse race track, several seagulls flew right over my head and deposited the most nasty, gooey, green, white, and yellow POOP right on my head! God, did it stink! I ran into the men's room and washed it off. Then ran to the line to place a bet. I had never bet on a horse race before. I was looking at the paper listing all the pros and cons of the horses about to run and had decided on exactly what bet I wanted to place. My turn came up and I blurted out the horses and the order they would come in ... and the lady said, "WAIT A MINUTE. I'M BUSY." I felt so chastised I almost swallowed my tongue. Then she looked up and said, "Now, what did you say?"

I couldn't even remember my own name, much less the horses. So I blurted out two numbers, paid my $2 and she handed me my ticket.

It turned out one of the horses I'd bet was a bit of a long shot. And I won $490 USD!

The next day we were at the beach. My brother-in-law was dancing all over the place like an idiot. It took me a while to figure out what he was doing. He was dancing underneath every seagull he saw, praying for POOP!

So what can I say? Bring on the Dove with diarrhea!

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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25426 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Location: Ribbin' a Woman - Alberta+ British Columbia Canada

I too have a similar True story. Out where I live, there are flying Lights that come out on warm summer nights. They eat bugs that congregate around sodium vapour orange street lights. Of course, they have copious droppings. I looked them up and they are called Foo Fighters. Every time I would sit down, I would get a little Foo shzt on me. So I would wash the stuff I was wearing and hang it on the line. But then it gets weird. Somebody or thing was stealing all the black clothes and underwear I was hanging on the line. I found it was better not to hang them outside anymore, or just refrain from washing the Foo spray off of them and hanging them out there where they would get stolen. Eventually I found that I had to grin and wear it, save them in a closed hamper, and it still stands that I have to put them in the dryer instead after washing.

But for a while there, it was looking like the moral of the story was If The Foo Shzts, Wear It!

Thx. I'll be here all week. Try the Fish. Oops... Gotta go... Ma Nature is sawin' logs again. lulz



Edited by alpha+omega 9/6/2014 8:09 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25427 - in reply to #25416)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Webmaster - 9/3/2014 7:01 PM . . .So what can I say? Bring on the Dove with diarrhea!

German sailors believe that the seagull is a bringer of good fortune.

It is also a general belief in Germany that it IS lucky when bird droppings land on you.

Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye.

With love - Aquarius 

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25430 - in reply to #25426)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I have always marvelled at the paradox of nightime flying insects being drawn to the light - that ultimately could annihilate them - and the way in which that reflects the mythologies of the moth's representation in the soul; and then too the way in which we are drawn to the light that ultimately will annihilate us, and whether that is the true light, or its shadowed reflection?

Thanks A+0 for the image .... and also too what comes to mind is the spider that has taken up residence in my wife's driver's mirror: how sturdy it is, maintaining and repairing its' web after wind blown journeys ... how metaphysical is all that ...


Edited by Paul Joseph 9/6/2014 3:33 PM
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Webmaster
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25432 - in reply to #25430)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A+O ... perhaps YOU should buy a lottery ticket!

{chuckle}

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25440 - in reply to #25430)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Paul Joseph - 9/6/2014 9:31 PM I have always marvelled at the paradox of night-time flying insects being drawn to the light - that ultimately could annihilate them - and the way in which that reflects the mythologies of the moth's representation in the soul; and then too the way in which we are drawn to the light that ultimately will annihilate us, and whether that is the true light, or its shadowed reflection? Thanks A+0 for the image .... and also too what comes to mind is the spider that has taken up residence in my wife's driver's mirror: how sturdy it is, maintaining and repairing its' web after wind blown journeys ... how metaphysical is all that ...

The light to which all of us are finally drawn - the Great Light - does not annihilate anyone. It is is true, our small earthly self has to die on the Cross of the Earth, the oldest known metaphor for humankind's earthly existence, but this only happens so that our spirit and soul can be set free to move on. Having said that, even whilst still 'trapped' in our physical bodies on the Earth plane, at least in our thoughts our spirit at all times is free to fly like a bird. The birds of our world are there to remind us of this fact.

‘The Message Of The Birds’

The spider also came into your life to tell you something. Spider weaves the web of life - and we do well always never to forget to look our for the greater picture and to lift our inner eyes to the higher and highest realities of life, where all of it has its origin and to which one day it does return, including you and me and everybody else.

With love - Aquarius

 

 

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25442 - in reply to #25440)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Location: United Kingdom
Thanks Aquarius; interesting and helpful reflections.

Much love
Paul
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25444 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hi A+O I have put an alert on your post here because I think there are some viewing who might find it offensive or distasteful, much as I enjoy your surreal observations in many of your posts ...

I will see what others think but am minded to delete this one ...

Kindest regards
O
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25448 - in reply to #25444)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Location: United Kingdom
Hello Everyone

I agree that this post has to go ... but I also have for many years especially after reading Frithjoff Schuon, Rene Guenon and Ananda Coomerswamy (eg, the Transcendent Unity of Religions), considered myself to be an adherent of the True Religion that is at the core of Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Christianity and the Hindu Realm ... indeed all true religions, so as one of those I cannot be offended by the 'exoteric' confusion of 'esotoric' truth ..

As our beloved Christine says somewhere, all is illusion, even this

Part of the problem is education, or lack of: we are not given enough grounding in thought, then rush to bandwagons of emotion and feeling ... without heed to the true heart of the world, the Divine Soul which sleeps at the true centre of us all, makes us one, inspires us to love and renounce hatred ...

See though ... how drilling down into A+0's posts can produce light ...?

Yet to make the truth that we perceive acceptable to others, we have not to offend sensibilities; though not out of fear, out of love.

Namaste All
Paul

ps Zy - Love the dove ...

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25449 - in reply to #25448)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Thank you, Paul, for sharing your reflections and insights with us.

With love - Aquarius

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25450 - in reply to #25449)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



PhD Alumni

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Location: United Kingdom
Dear Aquarius

Thank you.

I will send you a PM

Love
Paul
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25451 - in reply to #25450)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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An Urgent Hello!
It seems that I have missed some controversy over the Jewolic, Cathish, Hundo, BudLtieah and Islama religions.
Are we all blind to the threat that the Monrovian Church represents????? And, do we not want to face the impending rise of the Hutterites-all THREE of them??????????
Not to mention the insidious Huguenauts, whose master plan is to establish bases on the Moon and Mars and to encircle the earth with capsules. Even America turns a blind eye to the Huguenauts......heck, we even televise their offensive launches into space!

It is easy to know the truth, but it is very hard to face the truth when the truth is unpleasant and distasteful. It is also morally sinful to know the truth, but suppress it for the sake of harmony and slavery to a lie.

Peace to all,
Marty and Luckylee, establishing a catiphate all over the world!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25455 - in reply to #25451)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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All the best to you and the Catiphate.

Long may it live - and you, of course.

Especially with your birthday being just round the corner.

With love - Aquarius

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Tracy Martin
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25479 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hello again! I was just visiting,  and have not been here for several years. I am not able to open any of the "Weird" emails. Are you Zy or Jill? 

 

 

 

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25482 - in reply to #25479)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Location: United Kingdom
Hi Tracy

long time no see - hope you are well

Paul
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25483 - in reply to #25479)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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OMG..........Hiya Tracerino.......wasup, was shakinn? How you be?

 

Marty minus quite a few cats, just LuckyLee is left

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Webmaster
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25484 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Tracy! Hello!

So glad to see you here!

Will you stay awhile? Or at least visit more often?!

Such a delightful surprise and so good to see you on yet another connection.

Love,
Zy

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Tracy Martin
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25485 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hi Marty, Paul, Zy !CATS ARE NEVER GONE! i am well. Hope you all are too!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25493 - in reply to #25485)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hello Tracy - nice to have you back. We've missed you.

With love - Aquarius

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Disa
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25496 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hi, Tracey!

Hi, Marty! Have I missed your birthday?Happy Birthday. xoxox
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25515 - in reply to #25496)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dinner For Two

Have you ever seen anything like this?

Please follow the link below:

The Dining Dogs

* * *
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Zy Danielson
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25516 - in reply to #25515)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Posts: 8

LOL

I saw that on FB.

Adorable!

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25547 - in reply to #25516)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The River Crossing
 
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a big and violently raging river. As they had to get to the other side, the first man decided to pray. ‘God,’ he said, ‘please give me the strength to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given strong arms and legs and after almost drowning twice, he succeeded in crossing the river in less than two hours.
 
Witnessing this, the second man decided to pray: ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.’ Hey presto! He was given a rowing boat, as well as strong arms and legs. After almost capsizing only once, he crossed the river in less than one hour.
 
Watching his companions, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.’ Hey presto! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.
 
* * *


Edited by Aquarius 9/22/2014 7:44 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25563 - in reply to #25547)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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LEARNING HOW TO MAKE DECISIONS

From The Mouths of Children
 

1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
‘You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.’ Alan, age 10

‘No person really decides before they grow up whom they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.’ Kristen, age 10  

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  
‘Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.’ Camille, age 10
 
 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?  
‘You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.’ Derrick, age 8  
 
 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?  
‘Both don’t want any more kids.’ Lori, age 8  
 
 5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  
‘Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.’ Lynnette, age 8    
 
‘On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.’ Martin, age 10  
 
6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
‘When they’re rich.’ Pam, age 7
 
 ‘The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.’ Curt, age 7
 
 ‘The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.’ Howard, age 8  

 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  
‘It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.’ Anita, age 9  
 
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?  
‘There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?’ Kelvin, age 8  
 
 9.   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  
‘Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.’ Ricky, age 10  

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25597 - in reply to #25563)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Advantages Of Being A Bear
 
In my present lifetime I’m a woman. In my next one I’d like to be a bear. Let me tell you why:
 
When you’re a bear, you hibernate during the winter months and do nothing but sleep for up to six months. I could deal with that.
 
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
 
When you’re a girl bear, you give birth to children, each one the size of a walnut, while you’re sleeping and upon waking up they have already grown into cute cuddly cubs. I could certainly deal with that.
 
Besides, if you’re a mother bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat those who bother your cubs, including their father, your mate. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
 
If you’re a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling and that you have hairy legs and excess body fat.
 
Oh yes, I’m definitely going to be a bear!
 
* * *

 
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alpha+omega
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25616 - in reply to #25597)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Aquarius - 10/17/2014 4:49 AM
The Advantages Of Being A Bear
 
In my present lifetime I’m a woman. In my next one I’d like to be a bear. Let me tell you why:
 
...

 

 Tick Talk Times Lunar Tick Edition (Continued)

The Upside of being a Tick on a Bear

Number 1: You aren't going hungry any time soon.

Number 2: All the Salmon you can eat in Adams River!

Number 3: You can ditch Relocation when the Ranger takes you about 400 miles away with a helicopter.

Number 4: Dump Smorgasborgs

Number 5: Pre-Seasoned Surveyors (Pepper Spray)

Number 6: Can play great Jokes on Biologists by faking anesthesia

Number 7: You can always bail onto a Deer for the winter

Number 8: Bonus if they are Grizzly Bears. They Don't Hibernate! lulz

Number 9: You have your own personal Air Taxi Fleet: A Murder of Crows follows that Bear Everywhere!  Be a Phage in a Page on a Sage that follows the Rage²!

α+ω / Dr. Å

 

 



Edited by alpha+omega 10/26/2014 8:11 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25640 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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We Are Survivors
 
Dedicated to those born before 1940
 
We were born before TV, penicillin, polio and flu shots, frozen food, Zerox, plastic, contact lenses, videos, Frisbees, and the pill. We were there before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and – just think – before a man walked on the Moon.
 
We got married first and then lived together! How quaint can you get? We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a Big Mac was an over-sized raincoat, and crumpet we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating and dual careers. A meaningful relationship meant getting along with one’s cousins. Sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus. We were there before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies had been thought of. We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and men wearing earrings. For us time-sharing meant togetherness. A chip was a piece of wood or fried potato. To us, hardware was nuts and bolts and software was a word that had not been invented.
 
Before 1940, Made in Japan meant junk. Making out referred to how you did in your exams. Stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt. Going all the way meant staying on a double-decker bus until you reached the depot. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were still unheard of. Cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in the coal-house, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays, pot was something you cooked in. Crack was a small opening or, if you were Irish and having fun, it was spelt craic and meant just that, fun. Rock music was a grandmother’s lullaby. A snort was something a horse did and LSD meant Pounds, Shillings and Pence.
 
Considering how the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make, you have to admit that those of us born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch! No wonder we are so confused and that there is a generation gap between us and the youngsters of today. Yet, with the Grace of God, we have survived!
 
Alleluia!
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25657 - in reply to #25640)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Public Notice
 
Please note that this evening’s meeting of clairvoyance has been cancelled,
owing to  unforeseen circumstances.
 
The Organising Committee
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25670 - in reply to #25657)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Store Front With A Difference In Berlin

To admire it fully in action, please follow the link below:

‘Store Front In Berlin’


Not exactly funny, but interesting.
I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25689 - in reply to #25670)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Getting On A Bit

Review your life said Socrates – no doubt he had a point.
One dwells on this when old and grey with creaks in every joint.
The great man didn’t quite mean that – he dwelt on higher planes,
And grappled with philosophy far more than aches and pains.

But he’s been gone two thousand years so will not mind a bit,
If I tamper with his discourses and try to make them fit.
Adapt them to the physical, those matters of the flesh,
That press upon us ever more when we’re not young and fresh.

The old boy downed a hemlock drink – some say he didn’t care.
Most likely he was wondering what more he’d have to bear.
He’d just about got to the end of three-score years and ten.
So probably he deemed it wise to end things there and then.

So passed from the Hellenic world a thinker of renown,
A fellow upon whom today the scholars seldom frown.
But enough of ancient Athens, let us now get up to date.
I have a little tale to tell – bet you can hardly wait.

My first six decades went quite well, the seventh wasn’t bad,
But number eight has been so hard, it’s made me rather sad.
It started promptly on the day, the big seven-o came round.
While walking through a local park, I tumbled to the ground.

At first it didn’t seem severe, I strode along all right.
My trouble started later, in the middle of the night.
Rib-cage, back and abdomen hurt like they were on fire.
Hips and shoulders joined in too, the situation dire.

It took three weeks to simmer down, four more to disappear.
A very inauspicious start to such a landmark year.
Two further months without a hitch and life seemed fairly kind,
Until I was oppressed again, this time it was the mind.

My landlady assailed me with some nasty allegations,
Backed up by a battery of vicious imprecations.
She’d always been so reticent, I never thought she’d try
To scold me, then I realised that her mind had gone awry.

Her son turned up that evening, confirming what I thought.
He apologised profusely, poor fellow was distraught.
I calmed him down but told him that our ways would have to part.
Though hardly a spring chicken, I was game for one more start.

Why stop at domicile I thought, I’ll try something more grand.
So as well as changing residence, I also swapped the land.
Left the Emerald Isle behind and made for Albion’s shores,
Excitement making me forget that when it rains it pours.

I got a house and settled down, but not for very long.
A few months in my new abode then something else went wrong.
The waterworks failed suddenly, a bolt out of the blue.
What hitherto was crystal clear took on a different hue.

My visits to the smallest room caused maximum dismay.
I’d started passing pure vin rouge instead of Chardonnay.
I scuttled off to see the doc, whose face betrayed some worry.
He wanted me in hospital, and said we’d better hurry.

The surgeon spoke harsh words to me of baccy, booze and diet.
I had an argument in mind, then thought I’d best keep quiet.
He seemed a formidable lad, not wise to make him cross.
I was prostrate, he had a knife, so that made him the boss.

He did his work then called on me and seemed in better humour.
I’d soon be on my feet, he said, he’d shaved away a tumour.
So back to domesticity – all quiet for a spell,
Until another happening, that rendered me unwell.

While out on foot one winter night, I sought a litter bin,
But came upon a flower tub, located with my shin.
A strip of me three inches long and nearly half as wide
Had vanished, and though in some pain I sought it far and wide.

I had no luck, so limped off home and got another shock.
The missing rasher wasn’t lost but rolled up in my sock.
I tried to fix it back in place, with plaster and saliva,
Plus some herbal ointment that had set me back a fiver.

I got it right and turned my mind to sprucing up the dwelling
And overdid the labouring, but quite how there’s no telling.
This time a whopping lump emerged above the right-side groin.
It felt much like a cricket ball embedded in the loin.

So off to the GP again – by then it was a habit.
‘Spread out upon the couch,’ he said, ‘we’ll just let dog see rabbit.’
He diagnosed a hernia, no cause for great alarm.
The surgery was simple and I needn’t have a qualm.

The sawbones was a gloomy chap but knew well what to do.
Got through four jobs like mine that day, with me last in the queue.
I’m back and in the saddle now, at work with pen and ink,
With senses honed by recent woes, or so I like to think

Carved up twice in fourteen months, I’m wondering what’s next.
Another in the lower regions, that would get me vexed.
But providence is on my side, I feel it in my bones.
It won’t be liver, pancreas, or even kidney stones.

I’m going for lobotomy, if fate will let me choose.
The old grey matter’s addled, so I haven’t much to lose.
When this thought occurred I guessed my brain would just go reeling,
Then I got the point that where’s there’s no sense there’s no feeling.

From ‘Madazine’



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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25692 - in reply to #25689)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Seasonal Greetings

Please click on the link below:

‘Christmas Dinner For The Elderly’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25718 - in reply to #25692)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Traffic Warden’s Funeral
 
When the coffin was lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice could be heard from inside the casket that screamed: ‘I’m not dead! I’m not dead! Let me out!’
 
Smilingly the Vicar leaned forward and muttered: ‘Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25754 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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If you enjoyed this video and would like another look at it, you might like to know that its link has changed. Please try the new one below:

A Car Advert From La Bella Italia

‘The Latest In Car Developments’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25776 - in reply to #25754)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Special Offer
 
‘My dear friend Moscowitz, this is your lucky day! Have I got a bargain for you? A big healthy trained elephant! And for you only, just a thousand dollars!’
 
‘Are you crazy?’ replies Moscowitz. ‘I live in a two-room fourth-floor apartment. What do I want with an elephant?
 
‘You’re a tough man, Moscowitz. You drive a hard bargain. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. For another two hundred dollars, I’ll throw in a beautiful baby elephant. Both elephants for only twelve hundred dollars. How’s that?’
 
‘Ah, now you’re talking.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25809 - in reply to #25776)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Girl From Guantanamo

Guantanamera

Watch a little fellow from the streets of New York
dancing to this tune

by following the link below:

‘Guantanamera’


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25820 - in reply to #25809)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Growing Old With A Smile

Actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews, born 1st October 1935, to commemorate her birthday made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall  for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favourite Things’  from the movie ‘Sound Of Music’, in which she played the leading role.

These are the lyrics she used:

 Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
 Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
 These are a few of my favourite things.

 Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
 Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
 Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
  These are a few of my favourite things.

 When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
 When the knees go bad,
 I simply remember my favourite things,
  And then I don’t feel so bad.

 Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
 No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
 Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
 These are a few of my favourite things.

 Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
 Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
 And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
  When we remember our favourite things.

 When the joints ache, when the hips creak,
 When the eyes grow dim,
But I remember the great life I’ve had,
  Then I don’t feel so bad.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Try singing it – that makes it particularly funny!

Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd.
 It lasted over four minutes and repeated encores were asked for.

P.S. AARP, Inc., formerly the American Association of Retired Persons, is a United States-based non-governmental organisation and interest group, founded in 1958 by Ethel Percy Andrus, PhD, a retired educator from California, and based in Washington, D.C. It is a membership organisation for people age fifty and over.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Edited by Aquarius 1/30/2015 6:55 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25827 - in reply to #25820)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Paragliding Adventures

Jean-Baptiste Chandelier was born 18th August 1985. He lives in Embrun City, France, and is an expert paragliding pilot, movie maker, paragliding designer and test pilot. He is sponsored by Adidas outdoor and Dudek paragliders.

In his videos Jean-Baptiste shares with us his vision of flying. He has been a paragliding pilot since 2004 and his speciality are acrobatic and proximity flight. In his videos he shares with us his delight for flying, in the hope that they will help to make everyone’s dream of flying come true, at least a little bit. As far as I am concerned, he most certainly succeeds.

To find out whether he can do the same for you,

please follow the link below:


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25839 - in reply to #25827)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Religious Humour
 
A lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. ‘Is there anything breakable in this parcel?’ asked the postal clerk. ‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ the woman replied.
 
There are only two kinds of people in the world. Those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good Lord, its morning.’
 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. He put a note under the windshield wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block ten times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’ When he returned, he found a ticket from a police officer along with this note: ‘I’ve circled this block for ten years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’
 
A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new gym fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, the money is still in your pockets.’
 
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. Its owner clearly had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read: ‘Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution! Do not step into exhaust.’
 
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with: ‘Boys and girls, what do you know about God?’ A hand shot up. ‘God is an artist!’ the child said. ‘Really? How do you know that?’ asked the teacher. ‘It’s because our Father, who does art in Heaven,’ the youngster replied.
 
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with petrol before a long holiday weekend. Although the attendant worked quickly, the minister had to wait a long time because there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. ‘Reverend,’ he said, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems that everyone waited until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’ The minister chuckled: ‘I know just what you mean. It’s like that in my business, too.’
 
Some people are strange. They want to sit at the front of the bus, the back of the church and to be the centre of attention.
 
One Sunday after church a mother asked her small daughter what the lesson had been about. The girl replied: ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’ The mother was perplexed. When the pastor called at their house later for tea, she asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson had been about. The reply was: ‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’
 
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how to prepare his congregation for donating more money than expected towards the repairs of their church building. To his annoyance he found that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last moment, who wanted to know what to play. ‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ the minister said. ‘You’ll have to think of something suitable to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’
 
* * *
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25841 - in reply to #25839)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Thanks For The Memory
 
Leslie Townes Hope, better known as Bob Hope, 1903 – 2003, was born in Eltham, London, England. Comedian, vaudevillian, actor, singer, dancer, athlete, and author, his career spanned nearly eighty years. He appeared in over seventy films and shorts, including a series of Road Movies co-starring Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. In addition to hosting the Academy Awards fourteen times, more than any other host, he appeared in many stage productions and television roles and was the author of fourteen books. The song ‘Thanks For the Memory’ is widely regarded to be his signature tune.
 
On his death bed Bob was asked where he wanted to be buried. He replied: ‘Surprise me.’ Here are a few more of his quotes:
 
ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only downhill.’
 
ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
 
ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
 
ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’
 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER OF BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’
 
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or as it’s called at my home ‘Passover’.
 
ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’
 
ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for twelve presidents but entertained only six.’
 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBUSINESS FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: ‘Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.’’
 
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’
 
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold mother threw on another brother.’
 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it weren’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
 
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’
 
Thank you, Bob, for sharing your gifts with us so generously and for such a long time.

 
* * *

 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25866 - in reply to #25841)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Please Pass The Salt

To watch an educational video for parents and their children,
please follow the link below:

‘Passing The Salt’

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25874 - in reply to #25866)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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‘Don’t get too cheesed off when your neighbours are playing loud music at 2 am. Call them at 4 am, when the noise has stopped, and tell them how much you enjoyed their music.’ Anon.
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25899 - in reply to #25874)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Fun With Words

Lexophilia is the love of words and a Lexophile is a person who appreciates the nuances that can sometimes be played with in words, for example ‘you can tune a piano, but you cannot tuna fish’ or ‘to write with a broken pencil is pointless.’ Here we go:

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s
all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone. It’s just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the
end.

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25945 - in reply to #25899)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Medical Advice From The Orient
 
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one etc.
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain – good!
   
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
 
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
 
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO-HOO, what a ride!’
 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink much beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. Apparently it’s speaking English that kills you.

 
* * *

 


Edited by Aquarius 4/4/2015 7:33 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#25986 - in reply to #25945)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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How To Wash Your Cat – In Nine Easy Steps
 

1.     Put the seat of your toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
2.     Pick up the cat and soothe it, while carrying it towards the bathroom.
 
3.     In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and put down the seat and the lid. You may need to stand on it.
 
4.     The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, your cat is enjoying this.
 
5.     Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash-and-rinse.’ Don’t worry, kitty won’t go ‘down the tube’, because it won’t fit.
 
6.     Have someone open the front door of your home. Make sure there are no people between the bathroom and front door.
 
7.     Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, then quickly lift seat and lid.
 
8.     The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where it will dry itself off.
 
9.     You can be sure that the toilet and also your cat will be squeaky clean.
 
     Yours sincerely,

     The Dog
 
* * *

 


 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26000 - in reply to #25986)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Woman Speaks Out
 
He didn’t like my casseroles
And he didn’t like my cake.
Claimed my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
 
I didn’t perk the coffee right
And he didn’t like the stew.
I didn’t mend his socks
Like his mother used to do.
 
Looking for an answer
I didn’t get a clue,
So I gave him a quick thrashing,
Like his mother used to do.
 
* * *
 
 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26053 - in reply to #26000)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Richard Lederer Reflects

 

Some time ago, I illuminated old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included don’t touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record and hung out to dry. Many readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We’d cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers’ lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when was the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

Like Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut’s Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, ‘I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!’ or ‘This is a fine kettle of fish!’, we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed as omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues, pens and keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth. We left them behind. We blink, and they’re gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder’s monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defence. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I’ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had pills. It can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart’s deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have archaic and eat it too.

Richard Lederer is an American author, speaker and teacher. He is best known for his books on the English language and on word play such as puns, oxymorons and anagrams. He refers to himself as ‘the Wizard of Idiom,’ ‘Attila the Pun’ and ‘Conan the Grammarian.’ His weekly column, ‘Looking at Language’, is syndicated in newspapers and magazines throughout the United States.

 

* * *



Edited by Aquarius 4/2/2015 1:30 PM
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26054 - in reply to #26053)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Unexpected surprise! Richard and I are in  a "club" together. Other countries notwithstanding, there is a British counterpart that has a stimulating newsletter.

 

Marty and LuckyLee 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26060 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Ophiucus,

I don't think there is any need to worry about the copyright for the article from 'Madazine'. It belongs to my best friend, who gave me his permission. I asked him before posting it here. I hope that this is enough.

As far as the 'Inscrutable' is concerned, I have removed the offending word and offer my apologies to anyone who may have been offended by it. 

With love - Aquarius



Edited by Aquarius 4/4/2015 7:35 AM
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26062 - in reply to #26060)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Many thanks indeed and for such a fast response!

I am always saying one should not make any assumptions about anything and there, I went ahead and did (ie, assumed you did not have permission..)

Apologies for my oversight in that and am really grateful for your input on this

Every good wish now and for Easter and after too

Warm regards

Ophiucus
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26064 - in reply to #26062)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Ophiucus,

And thank your for your prompt response, too. Your words remind me of an old saying that goes something like this: ‘Don’t ever assume anything. It makes an ass out of you and me.’  Be that as it may, do you mind if I post the Madazine item again?

Meanwhile, happy Easter to you and yours,

With love – Aquarius

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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26066 - in reply to #26064)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



Forum Administrator

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Dear Aquarius

Certainly, please feel free to repost the article

Warm regards

O

ps, but just for future reference for everyone, the onus is on the individual posting an item to make any copyright references clear; the moderators have only what we can see posted to base our decisions on, and removing posts is never undertaken lightly. Although we generally tend to 'assume' that what is presented is in good faith....
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26067 - in reply to #26066)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Thank you, dear Ophiucus. I will do so shortly.

With love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26079 - in reply to #26067)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Here is the item you removed the other day, dear Ophiucus.

It’s, You Know, Sort Of Tautological

Assiduous as I am in trying to keep abreast of trends, I consider it one of my self-imposed duties to listen to radio broadcasts featuring the chattering classes. I used to get some nourishment from this pastime, but have noticed lately that the stimulus level is falling. Why? I think the reason is that I find myself paying more attention to presentation than to content. I am increasingly distracted by the frequent use of pleonasms and fashionable words and phrases. Instead of concentrating on the doubtless worthy thoughts put forward, I dwell ever more on the ways they are expressed. Consumed by the fear that this near-obsession might cause me to miss something important, I decided to try to purge myself of it by devoting a week to ignoring substance and paying attention to speech only.

The first thing that struck me was that if the words ‘incredible’ and ‘incredibly’ were to be expunged from the vocabularies of the professional talkers, nothing would be lost, and arguably not much left – joke! I heard of things that were ‘incredibly interesting’, ‘incredibly unique’ and ‘incredibly authentic’, so fell to wondering why, if everything is unbelievable, we need to consider accepting anything we hear or read.

Next, I noted the number of times that people would ‘never, ever’ do or say this, that or the other. There were twenty-three examples of this in the broadcasts I heard. If one would never do or say something, why does the ‘ever’ keep popping up? Then I was struck by the ‘you know’ and ‘sort of’ syndromes. In one splendid example, I timed a woman who was particularly addicted to the former. In two short bursts of speech, totalling three minutes and twenty-odd seconds, she said it thirty-seven times, which must make her a championship contender. Next in line was a man who racked up twenty-four ‘you knows’ in two minutes and fifty-five seconds. I will not dwell on the ‘sort of’ area, as it is too depressing.

The number of ‘and also’ appearances was striking. I lost count after forty-odd doses, but wondered why, if one ‘ands’ something, one must ‘also’ it too. In all of the cases I noted, both words meant ‘in addition to’. Not being an expert in these matters, I may have missed a vital distinction.

I trawled up a nice collection of miscellaneous items. There were three instances of something or other providing a ‘positive benefit’, which caused me to ponder on why anyone might consider a benefit as negative. The same reasoning applied to another gem, ‘negative asset’. I had always thought that the opposite of asset was liability, but perhaps I am out of touch.

There was an impressive number of comments regarding ‘cheap’ or ‘dear’ prices. I was under the impression that prices were high or low, and that the goods or services in question were cheap or dear. Similarly, there were several cases of ‘cold’ or ‘warm’ temperatures. Are they not low or high, the weather being cold or warm? And what about ‘an attempt to try’ to do something? Is an attempt not a try?

Another type of expression used on several occasions concerned times of day. I noted ‘two/three/six a.m. in the morning’ and ‘eleven p.m. at night’. And let me not forget one little beauty delivered by a chap representing a charity. Speaking about the unfortunate victims of a mishap, he said that his organisation had offered them ‘help, aid and assistance’, but did not say which of these methods of support they chose.

There were some other oddities. First, a comment about ‘poisonous toxins’. Are there any non-poisonous ones? Second, a remark about a project which was running up a bill of ‘an annual £1.2bn a year’. Need one say more? Third, another enterprise was described as a ‘costly, expensive’ undertaking. Fourth, there were several references to ‘a few moments’. If a moment is a brief but undefined length of time, how does anybody distinguish between one and several? Fifth, I heard two observations relating to hot-water – or hot water – heaters. If the speakers intended to imply a hyphen, does one need to heat hot water? If no hyphen was intended, are we to assume that the heater itself was hot? We are surely concerned with the water, so should we not refer to a water heater?

I hope nobody reading this will mind too much if I slip in three items not directly related to my theme. First, I would like to see my television newscasters and commentators on current affairs doing a little less nodding while they speak. Perhaps they think this adds emphasis to what they have to say. Not to me. When I talk to people, I do not notice them behaving like demented donkeys.

Second, I do not care to have weather reporters flouncing around as though affected by Saint Vitus’ Dance, while saying that the ‘best’ temperatures – that thermometer again – will be in one place or another. Best for whom? That is surely a personal matter. Let me say in fairness that the weather people do notice criticism and often react by making adjustments. In that respect, they do better than many others. Good work!

Third, I am not happy with the offerings of certain disc jockeys in the classical music field. Until a short time ago, I listened regularly to a 24/7 programme featuring in the main pleasantly subdued presenters. There were the following glaring exceptions:

Number one was a man who introduced his next delight by what I believe is called plonking, saying things like “Last week I was in Milan, I saw a football match, followed by a visit to La Scala, where I heard the fabulous . . .. “ Number two was an astoundingly bubbly woman who gave me the impression that she was repeatedly wheeled away from her perch while music was played, then returned after getting an injection of high spirits. Number three was a lady who seemed to have difficulty in getting to the end of any sentence. Her words kept dribbling out, reminding me of a tap with a faulty washer. For nearly half an hour I got some amusement from guessing when she had arrived at a full stop. I failed, the final score being 6:3 in her favour.

I have rambled here more than somewhat and would like to avoid leaving myself open to charges of excessive punctiliousness, as I am sure I have my faults in terms of usage of our language. However, I do think that we in the Anglosphere, having originated the world’s main method of communication, might be a little more careful about how we handle it. By the way, I wonder how long it will be before the media people succeed in eliminating the first ‘r’ from February – they seem to be intent on transferring it to law(r) and order, or draw(r)ing room.

From ‘Madazine’

With the kind permission of the author.

* * *
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26081 - in reply to #26079)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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QED

Namaste

O
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26083 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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If you would like some proof that I have the author's permission, please let me know and I will send you his telephone number by private message.

Namaste

A

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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26084 - in reply to #26083)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Not at all, I have complete trust in you - that is not what my little joke meant!

Warm regards

Ophiucus
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Supernatural3
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26087 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I second that!!!! I love ya!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26093 - in reply to #26084)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Ophiucus - 4/7/2015 8:57 PM Dear Aquarius Not at all, I have complete trust in you - that is not what my little joke meant! Warm regards Ophiucus

Dear Ophiucus,

Thank you. I didn't think you that's what you meant, but thought to tell you - just in case.

With love - Aquarius

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26094 - in reply to #26087)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Supernatural3 - 4/7/2015 9:56 PM I second that!!!! I love ya!

Dear Jill,

Thank you for your vote of confidence and I love ya, too.

Aquarius


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Supernatural3
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26158 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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(((( WARM HUGS ))))
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26169 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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An anonymous limerick that I came across years ago in "A Little Treasury of Modern Light Verse", now sadly out of print:

There was a faith healer of Deal
Who said, "Although pain is not real,
When I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel"

Happy May Day All!
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26170 - in reply to #26169)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I like it! Thank you for sharing.

 With love - Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26305 - in reply to #26170)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Hairy Bikers Tale

Five hairy bikers went into a bar where a lone small man was peacefully eating a pie and having a drink. They pestered the chap for a while and finally their leader put out a cigarette in the poor fellow’s nearly full glass. The man got up and walked out without saying a word. After convulsing themselves with laughter, the bikers ordered lagers and the leader grinned at the barman: ‘Not much of a fighter, that one, eh?’ ‘No,’ replied the barman. ‘Not much of a driver, either. He’s just backed a forty-tonner over your bikes.’

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26797 - in reply to #26305)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Married Girl’s Night Out

A while ago, I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed so pleasantly and the Margaritas went down oh so easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, to put it mildly, I headed for home. Just as I got in through our front door, the cuckoo clock in the hall called out three times. Even in my advanced state I realised that this would probably wake up my husband, so when the clock stopped I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in spite of the fact that I was almost totally smashed, to avoid creating a conflict situation with my man.

When he asked me the next morning what time I had got home, I casually replied: ‘At midnight.’ Because he didn’t seem angry at all, I secretly congratulated myself on my ingenuity and thought: ‘Phew! I got away with that one!’

Yet, he seemed to be pondering on something for a moment. After a pause of a few seconds, he surprised me with the news: ‘I believe we need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he replied: ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said: ‘Oh bubbles!’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and let off some wind!’

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26802 - in reply to #26797)
Subject: RE: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Today I have something for you that isn't exactly a joke, but it's interesting and I hope you may find it enjoyable.

The Guess Your Number Game

Please click the link below and see what happens.

‘Guess Your Number’

If you scroll down, I shall let you in on the secret of how it’s done.

No cheating please!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*


So, how does the house know the number you have chosen? It can actually be worked out by the process of elimination. The game works by a flash application that is set up in such a way that it can easily determine which number you picked. You are actually telling it – no need really for saying the number out loud – the choices you are making, as you go along.

Lets say you pick 17 which is blue. First thing you tell it is the colour of the number you have chosen. With that, it knows that it is either 3, 4, 10, 17 or 18.

The second time you pick a colour does nothing to help it figure out your answer. Like saying the numbers out loud, this bit is just a bit of smoke and mirrors.

The place where it asks you to pick a house with your number in it, that is where it can assess the number of your choice.

Say, if you picked 17, you would click house c. Since 17 is the only blue number in that house, the system knows at this point what your number is, because the houses only have one number from each colour group in them. This is a practical application for the process of elimination.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *


Edited by Aquarius 12/12/2015 7:53 AM
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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26803 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Old hat, aquarius. Magic is entertaining. But, truth is more wonderfully satisfying. I am not sure it makes good light relief. Have you ever noticed how serious magicians appear? I want to share something that I find entertaining, and listened to last night:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

I find that The attitude of being a leaf on the shoulders of a mighty stream can have some wonderful metaphysics. Like listening to the last two cars pass each other on the street under a night sky, Stillness: A peace in the middle of chaos. This is more important than light relief. If I cannot care, I should not laugh. It is hard to care without peace.

cause
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cause
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26804 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Old hat, aquarius. Magic is entertaining. But, truth is more wonderfully satisfying. I am not sure it makes good light relief. Have you ever noticed how serious magicians appear? I want to share something that I find entertaining, and listened to last night:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

I find that The attitude of being a leaf on the shoulders of a mighty stream can have some wonderful metaphysics. Like listening to the last two cars pass each other on the street under a night sky, Stillness: A peace in the middle of chaos. This is more important than light relief. If I cannot care, I should not laugh. It is hard to care without peace.

cause
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26805 - in reply to #26804)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Speaking of magic and walking on water, has anyone seen Dynamo, a British magician? Some interesting tricks, inlcuding walking on water (4:52 on this video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg8HQD5-seI


His grandfather taught him magic to help stop him being bullied at school ...
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26806 - in reply to #26805)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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I had never heard of him.

Thank you, Paul, for sharing this link with us.

With love - Aquarius

* * *

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26807 - in reply to #26806)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4k8gp92Tag

Thanks Aquarius - here are a few of his more recent tricks ... the final one on this selection - on top of the Shard, London's newest highest building (if you can bother to sit through the long advertisement) is quite astonishing ... hope you enjoy ...



Edited by Paul Joseph 12/14/2015 6:18 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26808 - in reply to #26807)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Questions That Cannot Be Answered

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they someone ‘slept like a baby’, when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Why is it that a man walked on the moon before someone figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

And did you ever wonder about these?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say: ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say: ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that emerges from its behind.

Why do toasters always have a setting that is so high that it burns the toast into an inedible state?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their behind when they want to know where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto walks on all fours? After all, they’re both dogs.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Stop singing and read on.

Do illiterate people get any benefit from eating Alphabetti?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, it gets mad at you, but when you take it on a car ride, it wants to stick its head out of the window?

Does pressing the lift button more than once make it go faster?

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26823 - in reply to #26808)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Rabbit Chase
 
The Los Angeles Police Department, known as LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are each trying to prove that they are best at apprehending criminals, so the President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells each department to catch it.
 
First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist in this forest.
 
Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies because in their view the rabbit had it coming.
 
Finally, the LAPD goes in. Two hours later they emerge with a badly beaten bear who is yelling: ‘Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!’
 
* * *
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Supernatural3
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26824 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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That sums it up quite well! :P

Blessings~
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26827 - in reply to #26824)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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We Are Survivors
 
Dedicated to those born before 1940
 
We were born before TV, penicillin, polio and flu shots, frozen food, Zerox, plastic, contact lenses, videos, Frisbees, and the pill. We were there before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and – just think – before a man walked on the Moon.
 
We got married first and then lived together! How quaint can you get? We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a Big Mac was an over-sized raincoat, and crumpet we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating and dual careers. A meaningful relationship meant getting along with one’s cousins. Sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus. We were there before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies had been thought of. We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and men wearing earrings. For us time-sharing meant togetherness. A chip was a piece of wood or fried potato. To us, hardware was nuts and bolts and software was a word that had not been invented.
 
Before 1940, Made in Japan meant junk. Making out referred to how you did in your exams. Stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt. Going all the way meant staying on a double-decker bus until you reached the depot. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were still unheard of. Cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in the coal-house, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays, pot was something you cooked in. Crack was a small opening or, if you were Irish and having fun, it was spelt craic and meant just that, fun. Rock music was a grandmother’s lullaby. A snort was something a horse did and LSD meant Pounds, Shillings and Pence.
 
Considering how the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make, you have to admit that those of us born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch! No wonder we are so confused and that there is a generation gap between us and the youngsters of today. Yet, with the Grace of God, we have survived!
 
Alleluia!
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26842 - in reply to #26827)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Story For Christmas

If there had been three wise women instead of men, the following would have happened:

• They would have asked directions.

• Arrived on time.

• Helped deliver the baby.

• Cleaned the stable.

• Made a casserole.

• Brought practical gifts.

• And there would have been peace on Earth.

Nonetheless

Happy Christmas!

* * *

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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26853 - in reply to #26842)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hi Aquarius

Thanks for postings ... just curious, what is the difference between the purpose of this thread that you started originally, and the other one you also started, way back when: 'Don't take it all too seriously'?

As for wise women and wise men, so are you making the assumption that women never come into conflict?

Happy New Year

Ophiucus
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26854 - in reply to #26853)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Ophiucus,

No, it's not at all like that. I must have opened a new thread for this kind of thing at some time, without realising that I already had another one. If it were possible to join the two threads together, that really would be something. Now there's a challenge for you!

Meanwhile I'll continue to occasionally post on one or the other.

With love - Aquarius

* * *

P.S. Just checked it and yes, this thread was opened 28th May 2008 and the other one 13th Januar 2009. 



Edited by Aquarius 12/30/2015 6:46 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26855 - in reply to #26854)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Zoo Job
 
An out of work actor is trying to earn some money as a mime. In his new role as street performer, one day he ventures into a zoo and gives one of his displays. People seem to like his efforts and in no time at all a good crowd has gathered around him. One of the zoo keepers who has kept an eye on him, suddenly has an idea. Grabbing the actor by his arm, he drags him into his office and explains to him that one of the zoo’s most popular attractions, a gorilla, has died suddenly. Because he, the keeper, is afraid that the zoo’s attendance figures might drop rapidly, would the mime be interested in dressing up as the gorilla, until they can find a replacement for the real one. The rate of pay offered is good and he has nothing to lose, so the mime accepts.
 
The next morning he puts on a gorilla suit and enters his cage before the crowds appear. It doesn’t take him long to discover that this is the best job he’s ever had. It allows him to sleep as much as he wants, to play and make fun of people, and on top of all that he is drawing much bigger crowds than he ever did before.
 
After a while, however, people have had enough of seeing the gorilla doing the same things over and over gain, and quite frankly, he too is as sick and tired of them as they are. People wander off and start to take more interest in a lion in the cage next to the gorilla’s. Not wanting to lose his audience, the mine climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across the partition and dangles himself down from the top into the lion’s cage. This infuriates the king of the animals no end, but the crowds just love it.
 
At the end of that same day the zoo raises the mime’s pay for being such a good attraction. Day by day, he keeps on taunting the lion and their crowds grow ever bigger. In keeping with his success, the mime’s salary goes up and up, until one fine day, when he is dangling too precariously over the furious lion, he slips and falls.
 
The lion gathers its wits instantly and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he can’t think of anything but running round and round the cage with the lion in hot pursuit. Finally, the mime is so out of breath that he can run no more. ‘Help me, help me!’ he screams. With the speed of lightning the lion pounces on him and with one mighty sweep of its paw places the intruder flat on his back. Looking up into the angry animal’s face, the mine hears the lion mutter under his breath: ‘Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get both of us fired?’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26883 - in reply to #26855)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Medical Problem
 
An elderly lady was suffering from an embarrassing problem and went to her doctor to see whether anything could be done about it. ‘It’s terrible, Doctor, it’s happening all the time,’ she told him. Fortunately, they’re soundless and they don’t smell. As a matter of fact, since being in this room it happened no less than twenty times. Can you help me, please?’
 
‘Oh yes, I think I can,’ the doctor said. ‘I shall give you a prescription for some pills. Take them three times a day for seven days, then come and see me again.’
 
The lady followed the doctor’s instructions and then visited him again. She was almost in tears when she told him: ‘I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is much worse. I’m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible. What do you have to say for yourself?’
 
‘Calm down,’ the doctor replied soothingly. ‘Now we’ve fixed your sinuses, let’s see what we can do for your hearing. When that’s been done, we shall attend to your digestion.’
 
* * *

 

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26898 - in reply to #26883)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Tale Of The Parrot

A young man received a parrot as a gift, but unfortunately it turned out that the bird had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Just about every word that came out of its beak was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanities. John tried in vain to change the bird’s habits by consistently saying only polite things, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s behaviour.

Finally, the man got so fed up that he shouted at the bird, but the parrot only yelled back. The man shook the parrot and that made the bird even angrier and more rude. In his desperation the man got hold of the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed, but suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, the man opened the freezer door. The bird calmly stepped out onto his outstretched arm and said: ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my outrageous conduct.’

Stunned at the change in the bird’s behaviour, the man was about to ask the parrot what had caused it, but the bird continued: ‘May I ask what the turkey did?’
* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26901 - in reply to #26898)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Cruise Of The U.S.S. Codfish

We have a show in Chicago called, ‘The Silent Service’ and it’s about the submarines and peace and war. They had one on about two weeks ago and it dealt with this nuclear submarine, which went around the world for two years and never pulled into port. It was sort of an endurance test for the sailors to find out how they would react under these situations. And the whole thing was kind of summed up in the last five minutes by the captain of the submarine, and he gave an address to the crew just as they were about to surface after completing this two year trip and it went something like this. . .


Men, I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved ones. . . in some cases your wives. . . but we have a few moments before we surface and I’ve just jotted down some things that I think are kind of important, I wouldn’t take the time if I didn’t. First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks a standing ovation for the wonderful job they’ve done. So, if you men want to stand now and let’s really hear it for the cooks.

I don’t think you men realize the difficult problem it is aboard a submarine to. . . uh. . . you men want to stand now for the cooks ? Come on now men, let’s let by-gones be by-gones and let’s hear it for the cooks, huh?

Look men, I’m not going to surface until I hear it for the cooks!!!

Alright, that is a little better. Today, as we add another glorious page to the history of the U.S.S. Codfish, I think it is important that we reflect on some of the past glories of the Codfish. . . uh. . . I don’t know how many of you men know this, but the Codfish holds a record for the most Japanese tonnage sunk. Being comprised of five freighters and fifteen aircraft carriers. A truly enviable record. Unfortunately, they were sunk in 1954. However, it stands as the largest peacetime tonnage ever recorded. Our voyage has received a lot of coverage in the newspaper and I would like to present our side of it. . . I think our firing on Miami Beach can best be termed ill-timed. It happened on what they call in the newspaper business a slow news day and as a result received a lot more space than I think it deserved -- since it was the off-season down there.

Men, I think you will agree, I have been pretty lax as far as discipline is concerned, and golly nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned. Now we have looked in the torpedo tubes, we have looked in your bags and uh . . . I mean it’s been over two weeks, men and I. . . we’re just lucky that it wasn’t the navigational officer or someone real important like that.

Uh. . . looking back on the mutiny, I think a lot of the trouble stemmed from the fact that you men weren’t coming to me with your problems. . . as I told you, the door to my office is always open. I think you know why it’s always open -- that was stolen, I’d like that returned. It looks like the work of the same man.

But since started the cruise on such a low note, I think it is important that we try to end it on a high note. . . and to me there is, there is nothing more impressive in the Navy as a submarine that breaks water to see a bunch of sailors in their dress blues as they come rushing up out of the. . . oh. . . the uh . . . that, that hole there, uh . . . and come to a parade dress. This, this to me is one of the, oh. . . oh, alright. . .

Men, I have just been notified that we will be surfacing in just a moment and uh. . . you might be happy to know that you will be gazing on the familiar skyline of either New York City or Buenos Aires . . . is that right ? I can’t quite make that out.. dismissed men – that’s all.

From the Bob Newheart CD ‘Something Like This’



* * *



The Cruise Of The U.S.S. Codfish
 
We have a show in Chicago called, ‘The Silent Service’ and it’s about the submarines and peace and war. They had one on about two weeks ago and it dealt with this nuclear submarine, which went around the world for two years and never pulled into port. It was sort of an endurance test for the sailors to find out how they would react under these situations. And the whole thing was kind of summed up in the last five minutes by the captain of the submarine, and he gave an address to the crew just as they were about to surface after completing this two year trip and it went something like this. . .
 
Men, I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved ones. . . in some cases your wives. . . but we have a few moments before we surface and I’ve just jotted down some things that I think are kind of important, I wouldn’t take the time if I didn’t. First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks a standing ovation for the wonderful job they’ve done. So, if you men want to stand now and let’s really hear it for the cooks.
 
I don’t think you men realize the difficult problem it is aboard a submarine to. . . uh. . . you men want to stand now for the cooks ? Come on now men, let’s let by-gones be by-gones and let’s hear it for the cooks, huh?
 
Look men, I’m not going to surface until I hear it for the cooks!!!
 
Alright, that is a little better. Today, as we add another glorious page to the history of the U.S.S. Codfish, I think it is important that we reflect on some of the past glories of the Codfish. . . uh. . . I don’t know how many of you men know this, but the Codfish holds a record for the most Japanese tonnage sunk. Being comprised of five freighters and fifteen aircraft carriers. A truly enviable record. Unfortunately, they were sunk in 1954. However, it stands as the largest peacetime tonnage ever recorded. Our voyage has received a lot of coverage in the newspaper and I would like to present our side of it. . . I think our firing on Miami Beach can best be termed ill-timed. It happened on what they call in the newspaper business a slow news day and as a result received a lot more space than I think it deserved -- since it was the off-season down there.
 
Men, I think you will agree, I have been pretty lax as far as discipline is concerned, and golly nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned. Now we have looked in the torpedo tubes, we have looked in your bags and uh . . . I mean it’s been over two weeks, men and I. . . we’re just lucky that it wasn’t the navigational officer or someone real important like that.
 
Uh. . . looking back on the mutiny, I think a lot of the trouble stemmed from the fact that you men weren’t coming to me with your problems. . . as I told you, the door to my office is always open. I think you know why it’s always open -- that was stolen, I’d like that returned. It looks like the work of the same man.
 
But since started the cruise on such a low note, I think it is important that we try to end it on a high note. . . and to me there is, there is nothing more impressive in the Navy as a submarine that breaks water to see a bunch of sailors in their dress blues as they come rushing up out of the. . . oh. . . the uh . . . that, that hole there, uh . . . and come to a parade dress. This, this to me is one of the, oh. . . oh, alright. . .
 
Men, I have just been notified that we will be surfacing in just a moment and uh. . . you might be happy to know that you will be gazing on the familiar skyline of either New York City or Buenos Aires . . . is that right ? I can’t quite make that out.. dismissed men – that’s all.
 
From the Bob Newheart CD ‘Something Like This’
 

* * * 
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26931 - in reply to #26901)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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A Radio Conversation

The following exchange is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.

•    Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

•    Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

•    This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

•    No. I say again, you divert your course.

•    This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are a large warship of the US navy. Divert your course now!

•    This is a lighthouse. Your call.

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26935 - in reply to #26931)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Nostalgia Machine



Welcome to a trip down the musical memory lane!

Please follow the link below and enjoy:

‘The Nostalgia Machine’

* * *
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mruppert
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26937 - in reply to #6039)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Hello Aukwah.........some good solid stuff, that.........
Nostalgic for Nostalgia,
Marty
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26940 - in reply to #26937)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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mruppert - 1/23/2016 6:37 AM . . . Nostalgic for Nostalgia, Marty

Three cheers to that!

Aquarius

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26944 - in reply to #26940)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The Sportsman Double


A man ended up with an older woman at a club one night and thought she looked pretty good for a fifty year old.

They drank a bit, well more than a bit, and had a snuggle. Then she asked him if he ever had taken part in a ‘Sportsman Double?’

‘What's that?’ he asked.

‘It's a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

‘Oh!’ he replied and his mind began to embrace the idea. ‘No, I haven't.’

He wondered what the daughter might look like and thought if she took after her mother she had to be pretty hot.

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink: ‘Tonight is your lucky night.’

They went back to her place and walked in.

Turning on the hall light, she shouted up the stairs:

‘Mother, are you still awake?’

* * *




Edited by Aquarius 1/25/2016 7:52 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26962 - in reply to #26944)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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The All Girl Biker Bar
 
An blind old cowboy one day wandered by mistake into an all-girl biker bar. Placing himself a barstool, he ordered a shot of whiskey. After sitting there for a while, he shouted to the bartender: ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
 
 
The bar fell silent. After a moment, a deep husky woman’s voice next to him said: ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair – given that you are blind – that you should know five things:
 
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
 
2. The bouncer also has fair hair.
 
3. I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman who weighs 175-pounds and has a black belt in karate.
 
4. The woman next to me is blonde professional weight lifter.
 
5. And the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
 
Think about this seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ Considering this for a second, he shook his head and muttered to himself: ‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
 
* * *
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26963 - in reply to #26962)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Dear Aquarius

Well I am not quite sure to what phantasies those last two posts of yours appeal, or are designed to appeal, but my mind boggles and I am but a bear of small brain (in the words of Winnie the Pooh)...

By the way, was there a juke box?

Yours in the forest under the name of Saunders

PJ

Edited by Paul Joseph 2/1/2016 3:11 PM
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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26964 - in reply to #26931)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Just catching up, when I first heard the report of that reported radio conversation (post (#26931 ), the lighthouse was in Ireland. Maybe it was the craic. But it's a very good story.

Edited by Paul Joseph 2/1/2016 3:15 PM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26969 - in reply to #26963)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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Paul Joseph - 2/1/2016 9:09 PM Dear Aquarius Well I am not quite sure to what phantasies those last two posts of yours appeal, or are designed to appeal, but my mind boggles and I am but a bear of small brain (in the words of Winnie the Pooh)... By the way, was there a juke box? Yours in the forest under the name of Saunders PJ

To me, the last two postings on this thread are simply good little tales. Jokes - craic, as they say in Ireland. There's no need for them to be true, is there? That's all.

Do you mean was there a juke box in the All Girl Biker Bar? If so, what difference would that make to anything? 

With love - Aquarius

* * *

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Paul Joseph
Posted 2/20/2016 3:58 PM (#26970 - in reply to #26969)
Subject: Re: How About A Spot Of Light Relief?



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No no i did not think they were meant to be true, was just playing with the unconscious contents evoked ... but that is just me ... no offence meant or hopefully taken ... as for juke boxes, was it not you and Marty being nostalgic treading the boards above?
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Ophiucus
Posted 2/20/2016 4:05 PM (#27050 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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All

In anticipation of early spring cleaning I have merged this thread with, How about a little light relief thread. Please use this one for posting jokes but I am becoming minded to freeze this one as I cannot see the metaphysical humorous point of some postings, so please be aware of that in time to come.

Blessings
Ophiucus
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Aquarius
Posted 2/22/2016 1:01 PM (#27060 - in reply to #27050)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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‘May we all cultivate a sense of humour, so that we see as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate and annoy us. Let us be understanding, feeling with our brothers and our sisters in their little irritations and annoyances and turn darkness into light by throwing upon it the warming beam of humour. But in humour, the same as in all things, it is necessary to be wise, so let yours never be of the unkind but of the kind variety.’
 
White Eagle ‘On Festivals & Celebrations’
 
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 2/23/2016 7:00 AM (#27068 - in reply to #27050)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Ophiucus - 2/20/2016 10:05 PM All In anticipation of early spring cleaning I have merged this thread with, How about a little light relief thread. Please use this one for posting jokes but I am becoming minded to freeze this one as I cannot see the metaphysical humorous point of some postings, so please be aware of that in time to come. Blessings Ophiucus

Dear Ophiucus,

If the two threads are thorns in your flesh, why not just delete and remove both of them completely?

You have my permission, should you need it.

With love - Aquarius

* * *



Edited by Aquarius 2/23/2016 7:01 AM
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Aquarius
Posted 2/24/2016 8:25 AM (#27075 - in reply to #27068)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Grandpa’s New I-Pad



An example of what happens when young people make gifts
of technology to the older generation. Here a daughter is visiting her father.
She asks: ‘Tell me dad, how are you getting on with the new i-Pad
we gave you for your birthday?’

It’s in German, but I don’t think you’ll need any subtitles:

‘The New I-Pad’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 3/20/2016 10:54 AM (#27126 - in reply to #27075)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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The Lumberjack

A short skinny man walked into a lumber camp looking for a job. To impress the sceptical foreman, he chopped down a huge oak tree in half an hour.

‘Wow! Where did you learn to do that?’ the foreman asked.

‘In the Sahara Forest,’ the man replied.

‘But the Sahara is not a forest, it’s a desert!’ exclaimed the foreman.

‘Yep, it is now,’ said the little fellow.
* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 3/26/2016 7:32 AM (#27157 - in reply to #27126)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Bored Engineers



Have you ever wondered what they might be doing then?

Please follow the link below to see what one of them did:

‘Bored Engineers’

* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 3/29/2016 8:57 AM (#27170 - in reply to #27157)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’
* * *


Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’

* * *

Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’

* * *

Speaking Of Prejudice

Customer in a supermarket: ‘In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?’

Clerk: ‘Are you Polish?’

The man, clearly offended: ‘Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?’

The clerk: ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

The man: ‘Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me whether I am Polish?’

The clerk: ‘Because you are in Ace Hardware.’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/3/2016 2:36 PM (#27184 - in reply to #27170)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Russian Ballet With A Difference



To take part in it, please follow the link below:

‘Russian Ballet’

* * *
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Aquarius
Posted 4/6/2016 8:08 AM (#27191 - in reply to #27184)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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One day Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared at the TV just as the 10:00 p.m. news came on. The news crew was covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a building downtown.

The blonde looked at Bob and said: ‘Do you think he’ll jump?’

Bob replied: ‘You know, I bet he’ll jump.’

The blonde: ‘Well, I bet he won’t.’

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar: ‘You’re on!’

At the moment the blonde placed her money on the bar, the man on the ledge jumped and fell to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob with the remark: ‘Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.’

Bob: ‘I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.’

The blonde: ‘I saw it too, but I never thought he’d do it again.’

Bob took the money.
* * *


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Aquarius
Posted 4/13/2016 6:38 AM (#27216 - in reply to #27191)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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Recipe For A Fruitcake

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still ok.

Cry another cup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
Next sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/16/2016 9:22 AM (#27239 - in reply to #27216)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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The Latest In Alcohol Testing



1. Click the man's nose in the picture.
2. When the new window opens, click his nose again.
3. For each time you manage to do this you are allowed another pint!

Cheers!

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/17/2016 7:39 AM (#27247 - in reply to #27239)
Subject: Re: Don't Take It All Too Seriously!



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NOAH IN OUR TIME

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: ‘Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’

He gave Noah the blueprints with the words: ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard without an ark.

‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’

‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed.’

‘I needed a Building Permit.’

‘I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.’

‘My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision.’

‘Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.’

‘Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.’

‘I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!’

‘When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.’

‘Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.’

‘I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.’

‘Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.’

‘The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.’

‘To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.’

‘So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.’

‘Suddenly the skies cleared, the Sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.’

Noah looked up in wonder and asked: ‘You mean you're not going to destroy the world?’

‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The Government has beaten me to it.’

* * *


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Supernatural3
Posted 4/17/2016 10:05 AM (#27252 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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I like the chuckle. .. didn't quite get the picture to work but I'm sure is this old tablet.... it likes to do is own thing. Ugh.... lol
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Aquarius
Posted 4/18/2016 6:58 AM (#27263 - in reply to #27252)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Hello Jill,

Glad you enjoyed yesterday's chuckle and thank you for letting me know.

You haven't missed anything because there was no picture.

With love - Aquarius

* * *

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Supernatural3
Posted 4/18/2016 12:44 PM (#27266 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Clicking on the nose wasn't a picture? Lol.... I've slipped into the Twilight Zone.... lol
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Aquarius
Posted 4/18/2016 1:09 PM (#27268 - in reply to #27266)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Ah, I see what you mean! It was the previous posting that required clicking the man's nose. I've just tried it and yes, it still works.

Hope you can get it going, too. It's quite intriguing.

With love - Aquarius

* * *

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Supernatural3
Posted 4/18/2016 5:12 PM (#27269 - in reply to #3889)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



PhD Alumni

Posts: 1660
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Location: NE Ohio
It says i need some plug in but won't tell me what plug in. .... new technology .... ugh! Bummer! I shall try this later from a different location. My curiosity is kicking in. .. ??
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Aquarius
Posted 4/20/2016 6:42 AM (#27281 - in reply to #27269)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Speaking Of Adam And Eve

Teacher: ‘Now class, we finished the story of the Creation last week. Let’s see who was really listening. What was the name of the first woman on Earth. Mary?’

Mary: ‘Ummm . . . I’ve forgotten, Miss.’

Teacher: ‘Think Mary! Remember the story about the apple?’

Mary’s eyes lit up. ‘Was it Granny Smith, Miss?’

* * *

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Aquarius
Posted 4/22/2016 6:32 AM (#27307 - in reply to #27281)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Labour Pains

A couple went to hospital for the delivery of their baby. Upon arrival, they were introduced to a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the baby’s father. When asked if they were willing to try this new invention, the couple readily agreed that the pain transfer unit should initially be set to ten percent. The nurses explained that even this amount of pain would probably be more than any father had ever experienced before the birth of his child.

As the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer and the husband was still feeling fine. When the doctor checked his blood pressure, he was amazed at how well he was doing. Together they decided to try fifty percent. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping his wife very much, the husband asked the doctor to transfer all pain to him. And so a healthy baby was delivered with almost no pain. The couple were ecstatic and as there had be no complications, the new little family was able to go home immediately after the birth. When they arrived there, they found their gardener dead on the porch.

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Aquarius
Posted 4/26/2016 8:39 AM (#27387 - in reply to #27307)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
God Created Children

Whenever your children are out of control, take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God is believed to have created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he is supposed to have said was: ‘Don’t!’

‘Don’t what?’ Adam replied. ‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!’

‘No way!’

‘Yes way!’

‘Do not eat the fruit!’ God repeated.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I say so!’ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped Creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, He was watching His children having an apple break. By now he was very annoyed and asked them: ‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?’

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it!’ Adam said.

‘I did not!’

‘You did!’

‘I did not!’

Fed up with the two of them, God decided Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Things To Reflect Upon

•    Be nice to your children. They are going to choose your nursing home one day.

•    If you have persistently and lovingly tried to share your life’s wisdom with your children and they refuse to take it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think yours would be easier?

•    You spend the first two years of your children’s life teaching them to walk and talk and the following sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.

•    Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

•    Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

•    Children seldom misquote you. More often than not they repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

•    The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that some children are even more difficult than yours.

•    We childproof our homes, but they are still getting in.

•    And no matter what they do, we never stop loving them.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Aquarius
Posted 4/28/2016 8:27 AM (#27441 - in reply to #27387)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Rewards

A preacher has just passed on. He is standing in line waiting to be judged and hopes to be admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. ‘I was a taxi driver in New York City,’ the man replies.

An Angel stands at the gate and calls out: ‘Next’. The taxi driver steps forward and the Angel hands him a golden staff and a basket of fruit, cheese and wine, then lets him pass through the gates. Pleased with himself, the taxi driver proceeds.

When the Angel shouts: ‘Next!’, the preacher steps forward. The Angel hands him a wooden staff, bread and water. Very concerned, because he believes a mistake has been made, he turns to the Angel: ‘That man is a taxi driver. He gets those good things, when I, who spent most of my life doing God’s work on the Earth get this stuff! How can that be?’

‘Ah!’ says the Angel, ‘up here we judge by results. All your flock ever did during your sermons was sleep. In his taxi, people prayed!’

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Aquarius
Posted 5/7/2016 9:38 AM (#27538 - in reply to #27441)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
The Secret Of A Happy Marriage

 A married couple had been together for more than sixty years. They shared all they had and talked about everything, they kept no secrets, except one. The woman had a shoe box which she had always cautioned her husband not to open or ask about.

For all these years he had not thought about the box, but one day the woman became very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the man took down the box and brought it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it he found: two crocheted dolls and a stack of money that totalled twenty thousand pounds. When he asked his wife about these contents, she replied: ‘When we were to be married, my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She said that if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.’ The man was so moved that he had to fight back his tears.

There were only two dolls in the box. Fancy that! She had been angry with him just twice in all the years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness! ‘Darling’, he said: ‘that explains the dolls but what about the money?’ ‘Oh,’ she replied: ‘that’s what I made from selling all the other dolls!’

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Aquarius
Posted 5/11/2016 7:17 AM (#27545 - in reply to #27538)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Notices To Staff

Dress Code


You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, to enable you to buy better clothes. That’s why you do not need a pay rise either.

If you dress just right, you are clearly where you want to be. Therefore, no pay rise is necessary for you.

Sick Leave

We no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you can go to the doctor, you should also be able to come to work.

Holidays


Each employee receives fifty-two personal holidays per year. They are known as Sundays.

Compassionate Leave


This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to avoid getting involved in the funeral arrangements. Where this is not possible, funerals should be scheduled for late afternoons. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use


As far too much time is spent in the toilets, from now on this will be restricted to three minutes in each cubicle.

At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll retract, the cubicle door fly open and your picture will be taken.

After your second offence, the picture will be posted on the company’s notice board under ‘chronic offenders’.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks


Slim employees get 30 minutes lunch break, as they need to eat more to keep them looking healthy.

Normal size employees get 15 minutes lunch break to get a balanced meal to maintain their figure.

Chubby employees get 5 minutes lunch break, because that’s all the time needed to drink a ‘slim-fast.’

Thank you all for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are a responsible employer, here to provide you all with positive work experiences. Therefore, any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and consternations should be directed elsewhere.

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Aquarius
Posted 5/12/2016 6:37 AM (#27547 - in reply to #27545)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



UMS Guest

Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Dramatic Surprises Are In Store For You!

Name:  precious-moments.jpg Views: 0 Size:  6.0 KB

They are waiting for you in a small Belgian Town.
Please follow the link below:

‘Dramatic Surprises’

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Aquarius
Posted 5/19/2016 6:46 AM (#27570 - in reply to #27547)
Subject: Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!



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Posts: 1932
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Location: United Kingdom
Tourist Questions
 
Banff National Park – Canadian Rocky Mountains
 
Each one of these questions was heard by the staff of the park’s information kiosks.
 
1. How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the ‘Elk Crossing’ signs?
 
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
 
3. Tourist: ‘How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?’  
    Park Information Staff: ‘ ‘Elk’ ‘  
    Tourist: ‘Oh’.
 
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
 
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
 
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
 
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
 
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
 
9. Are there birds in Canada?
 
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
 
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
 
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
 
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
 
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
 
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
 
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
 
 17. What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?
 
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
 
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
 
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?
 
21. Are there phones in Banff?
 
22. So it’s eight kilometres away. . . is that in miles?
 
23. We’re on the decibel system you know.
 
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
 
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
 
26. Don’t you Canadians know anything?
 
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
 
28. Tourist: ‘How do you get your lakes so blue?’  
      Park staff: ‘We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom.’
      Tourist: ‘Oh!
 
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